Hello dear nofappers, Long time no see. A few years ago I made an account for the very same reasons that I'm back again right now. My life is a bit of a mess. 2.5 years ago I met my sweet girlfriend and we are living together for 2 years now. Everything started just fine, we were overly in love and had lots of sex. Ofcourse during our relationship sex got less and less which it pretty normal I think. Before I met my girlfriend I had this weird sissy fetish and I watched a lot of videos about bbc and sissies. I also was totaly in chastity and anal masturbation only. Dressing up like a sissy whore. I never really know where it all came from, it just developed. I was ashamed of myself but I just couldn't resist. But then I met her and that changed everything. After I met my girl girl I instantly quit and threw everything I had away. Things were good, sex was good and I really felt like an alpha. Everything in my life was looking good. A nice appartment with view over the city, a good job in the military, a nice car and my sweet girl. I was very fit and doing all kind of sports was a real hobby. Now fast forward to today, I'm not interested in having that much of sex anymore. I still do sports but more to stay fit because of my job, I do not really enjoy it anymore. Things are getting better but I miss that drive. I got everything I want in my life. I even bought a house, made promotion in the military, my relationship is amazing (but not the sex part very much I think). I got no real reason for being insecure but suddenly I am again. I really don't know why. I feel like I'm stuck again. The way I was before I went to the military and met my GF. I find my life extremely boring and nothing brings me real joy. Joining the military was my childhood dream and now I have done so I'm also pretty bored, it is just a job now. A way to pay my wages. But at the same time I still love my job, it is not like I want to leave anytime soon. Buying a house 4 months ago, all the paperwork and stress took an impact on our sex life, also I was gone on military exercise a lot of time and when I came home I was very tired because of sleep deprivation. Then my GF had problems at work which took a toll on her mentally. We had different sex drives and we were not really horny at the same time. She often wants to be fucked real hard (I sometimes like that) but it often feels like somekind of burden to me. Like a chore, a performance. I suspect this killed my sexdrive for a part. I told her I also like it when she dominates me (yes I have always liked femdom and I am in peace with it) because I sometimes just want to forget daily shit. Always being the tough guy in the uniform, sometimes I just want to be a little bitch being told what to do and being femdommed. My GF likes to assume this role sometimes but it's more like 80/20. I don't know where or when it went down the drain but I suspect when buying our house I began (out of stress and very low sex drive of my GF) watching porn excessively. Masturbating a lot. At first just 'normal' femdom, later the more kinky ones with pegging, etc. After that I began watching cuckolding. After that I began watching cuckold cleanup videos. Then mistresses forcing cuckolds to blow BBC's, and take BBC up the ass, etc. Before I knew it I bought myself dildo's and chastity cages and dressed up like a whore while riding my dildo and watching BBC/sissy hypno videos. And here I am now. Yesterday my GF was really horny, which I did not expect. It put some pressure on me I think. I couldn't maintain an erection and I couldn't get the job done. I felt totally worthless and fucked up. I swore to myself to throw everything away, my porn collection, my sissy attributes and to go to a path of growth again. I want to leave this dark side and never do it again. I want to focus on having sex with my gf again and when she is not in the mood the occasional porn to get it off like when in the beginning. I just wanted to write my feelings down somewhere to look back at it at times when I feel bad or sad. I hope my erections do come back and that I'm able to find a way to compromise in our sex life. I want to thank you guys in advance when you read this! Peace!
