Probably one of the most severe cases

Finally I decided to sign up at NoFap and share my story in order to get over the hump and finally manage to change, overcome, outgrow, reboot, repair, heal.

I'm sure this will be one of the longest posts here and I'm sure my case is one of the most severe. I will appreciate every comment, opinion, judgement, question, ideas, tips, help.

So, I'm 31 years old, been addicted to porn now for over at least 16 years. Started visiting Thai Massages (including sex) since 2013 which turned into visiting other prositutes throughout the years. Started visiting transwoman prostitutes since September 2017 (since then over 20 times at least).
Now since July 2022 I'm having my first real girlfriend (after highschool gf), she is 7 years older than me but she is so amazing that I will take her most likely as my future wife.
Since the time we've been together, I haven't visited any prostitutues although one time I was VERY close to meeting the prostitute.

In general I'm a quite positive, peaceful and confident guy, as throughout my life I experienced a lot, read a lot, thought deeply about a lot of things. I learned a lot from philosophy, religion, J.Krishnamurti, Alan Watts etc., and like I said, a lot from thinking about what happened in my life (I come to that later). The only thing I just could not overcome is this porn addiction.

I've been trying to stop PMO for, God knows how many times. I remember when I was 16, I tried to stop it but since then, my longest streak EVER has been not longer than 32 days...it's crazy...

So I gotta start from the beginning and I wrote down all the keypoints that must have affected me in one way or another to the development of my porn and eventually prostitute addiction.

My earliest memories of sex are when I was like 6 or 7 years old. I was at my grandma's house with my 5 years older brother and we recorded some latenight sex movies on VHS and watched it the next day after my grandma left the house. This was the first time I felt the thing of doing something forbidden.
The next memory is around the same age when we were calling these typical sex hotlines that were advertised on TV (we were recording these Jackie Chan movies which started at night, and in the breaks these sex advertisements, probably first exposure to "porn" for my brain)

Shortly after I remember having the familiy's friends at the house and the girl I was playing with used to run and jump at me while I was sitting on the bed and once her body was on top of mine I wrapped my legs around her and starting to "trying to act".

Next thing I remember is when I was in Kindergarden, there was this asian nursery nurse who said to me that she will sit on me if I don't stop interrupting her.
The thought of her sitting on me made me horny (I think this thought came few days/weeks/months later).

Another thing was in elementary school in first grade. I had a friend who was 2 years older and he was playing with his classmate by hanging on some thing on a playground and wrapping his legs around her and "acting out".

This was the first time that I thought about sex, and that it was totally different than love to me. I could not put the two things together. I thought love was something so beautiful while sex was this naughty, dirty, horny thing. At the same playground there we ropes for climbing. I remember I climbed and I felt this amazing sense in the genitals. It was such a strong and amazing feeling which always gave me soo much energy to climb to the top. In gymclass you had these ropes for about 20 feet. Only because of this sexual feeling I had the energy to climb to the top because I loved this amazing feeling of the robes rubbing in my genitals.


Some more general information: I'm a middlechild and I always felt I was really different and totally the black sheep in my family. When I was young I used to stutter heavily (which I could cure a couple of years ago due to shrooms, more on that later). This stuttering would affect me negatively in so many ways and I'm sure it most definitely affected me in developing this addiction. I had this immense shame of stuttering plus the shame of my body which was intense.

Also in elementary school in the after-school care I remember fantasizing about having sex with Britney Spears and the teachers caught me yelling Britney Spears name.

I was in fifth grade when I started to fantasize having sex with my female classmates and even with my female teachers.
In the same time period I was buying a sex magazine with my classmates. We were hiding this magazine at a special place in a tiny forrest and everytime we went there we tried to jerk off.

Me and my friends from my neighborhood went to other houses basements (it was like a block of flats) to go to the laundry room to sniff on the lingerie and rubbing them on our genitals. It was again a thrilling experience because we did something forbidden and sexual.

(UPCOMING TRIGGER WARNING)
Around this time I was going swimming at a swimming hall with a good friend of mine.
In the locker room all of a sudden he was showing me his dick. We were showing each other off I guess, just having fun. A couple of moments later we were both stepping into a toilet cabin (which had a lot of space), feeling a huge thrill, talking about sex and ended up touching each other. He sucked my dick, I sucked his and that was our first sexual experience. I just remember a couple of days later we had a condomn and trying to do it in the basement of the house but as we were trying we heard some noises so we immediately stopped and shortly after that I just remember I moved to another area and we never saw each other again.

This memory hunted me for many years.
I remember after that I started to having some fantasies with the boys from my neighborhood and around the time I was 14/15 I remember watching gay porn.
It became so strong that I remember I even wanted to see how can I apply for the companies that shoot the porn.

When I was about 12/13 years old, I remember we had a substitute teacher for a couple of months. He was quiet young and I remember he told us about the pornsite "thehun" as we boys were talking about sexual stuff in class.

Around this time I remember being at a classmate's house and he would show me a CD with porn on it. We were watching it and it had some material with fisting and crazy shit like that.

So basically, the time when I was 12/13 years old I started watching porn regularly, downloading many videos from LimeWire.

My very first ejaculation was when I was about 12 years old. I was at my grandma's house with my cousin. She was already sleeping. The latenight sex advertisement and shows on TV started. I was jerking off as hard as I could and this night was the night. I had my first ejaculation watching sex advertisement on TV.

So while I had my first love, my first girlfriend when I was 16, I was still watching porn regularly and even gay porn.
I was so crazy in love with my girlfriend. After 6 months she broke up with me (because I totally changed (beta), my world was destroyed and it took me many many many years to get over this heartbreak. This heartbreak was one of the most intense feelings I had to overcome and through teachings by e.g. Krishnamurti I really started to learn about love and life.

I think I had/have experienced a couple of traumas that were always an underlying cause of this addiction. These traumas coupled with all the early exposures to porn made this addiction so hard to stop.

My traumas:

- stuttering = BIG SHAME, tried everything to get rid of it, only psychedelics (shrooms) cured me of this stuttering. I think shrooms are amazing. They also made me quit tobacco which I used to use all the time in my joints.

- multiple mamilles (nipples) which began to get really visible when I was like 12, which I've had removed when I was 16/17, after my girlfriend broke up with me = BIG SHAME. Even with the scars I always felt shame, which is why I never had a girlfriend in my 20s.

- when I was like 11, me and my friend we walking outside. At the sidewalk of the street was a little pile of sand (construction work) and I was so crazy taking the sand and throwing it in the air to land on the driving cars. After a few tries I hit a car and the driver was shocked, pulled the breaks, we were scared as hell, running away, he was hunting us. He got my friend. I was scared to death, I ran for my life. I saw how he punched and throw my friend. I was running to a classmate's house. Few hours later my mother picked me up, we were going to the my friend's house who got beaten up by the adult and he looked terrible and it was my fault. This was the very first time I felt scared to death. I had a few situations like this when I was young.

- Also my father used to be violent towards my mother or my sister a few times when I was young and one time he beat me with the belt because I came home a litte bit late and he was totally drunk. My father was the total opposite of a role model. I don't need to go much into details, now we are completely at peach with each other but I hated him for many years and this alcohol always turned him into a total different personality which I hated even more.

So all in all the experience of stuttering infront of people while you feel their energy is such a terrible feeling I think only people who stutter can relate to this.

The feeling of not showing your body freely because of the multiple nipples and afterwards the scars is such a terrible feeling of shame too.

Back to my porn/prostitute experience:

So when I was 21 I've got my first real blowjob by the thai massage therapist. It felt amazing. It was my first time going to a thai massage. I wanted more.
So in the following months I went to more thai massages and finally got sex for the first time in my life. Throughout the next years I was visiting more prostitutes, I was watching porn regularly. I began smoking weed more and more, making music, hangin with my friends. Here and there I had some dates or "almost" dates with girls and some moments where I could kiss them etc. but deep inside of me there was this shame that would not let me do the next step, so I stayed with porn, prostitutes and chilling with my friends.

TRIGGER ALERT:
Something in me got hooked on blowjobs (probably because of the situation in the swimming hall). So I started having fantasies of sucking dicks. Because I was too afraid to meet real people I started to practice with bananas sometimes or even twice I would buy a dildo but after one day throw it away because I felt this is totally wrong. This is totally not me.

In September 2017 I visited a friend in Spain and for a few days I was travelling alone so I decided to go to another city nearby. I was staying at a hotel near the beach for 2 nights and I remember I was bored as hell. Alone and nothing to do. I don't know how I really made the decision but as I was lying in bed in the hotel I found this transwoman escort site. I again felt this tremendous thrill of doing something forbidden and exciting. One thing led to another and I found myself being in the room with the prostitute. I just remember the transwoman was sucking my dick and I starting to suck her dick. But I did it just for a brief moment. The dick smelled like nasty perfume and I was kind of shocked about this whole moment. I just remember right after I came I left the room and I was totally disgusted. I was spitting a lot on the streets. I could not believe what I just did. It was an awful feeling. Next thing you know a couple of weeks or months later I went to another transwoman escort. And another. And another. And another. I was only into sucking. I never wanted to get fucked or fuck a transwoman. Although it happened a couple of times. But I felt so much pain that I only said, I only want to suck, no fucking. Around this time and also before I was really into the category of "deepthroat". Until now this is the only category where I can feel aroused. Throughout the years of visiting the prostitutes the only thing that is on my mind when to look for transwoman escorts is if they have a beautiful big dick so I can deepthroat, just like in the videos on pornhub. I think I got kind of obsessed with this category.
Now I got to the point where nothing on the internet arouses me anymore because there is nothing new that meets my requirement for the "deepthroat" videos.
Porn has become boring. But still I cannot stop watching it and fapping to it.
Within the last 3 meetings with the transwoman escorts I went to them, told them to give me something to dress like a girl, put on a wig and made a video of me sucking dick. This was the next exciting thrill for me. I was looking for the next great deepthroat video.

I never watch gay porn (like I told you it was a short phase when I was 15/16). Nowadays I just cannot watch it. It does not turn me on at all. I don't consider myself gay at all.
I would not consider myself bi at all.
It could be that my childhood experience made my brain get aroused to sucking dick and that it was subconsciously present all the time. But when I see men, I don't feel anything. I'm 100% confident that I'm only into women.

In July 2022 I met this woman who is now my girlfriend and I could assume my future wife. She is just amazing and I can see myself being with her together forever, live a happy family life, be a great husband, father, man. She is the only reason why I have not visited any transwoman escort since May 2022. The urges were there but I just cannot do it. It's just impossible to do it. Although one time I was VERY close. It was in November 2022, I just had these crazy urge. I contacted the transwoman escorted that I already visited twice. I ordered the uber to her place. I was getting out of the car. 2 minutes away from the appartment. All of the sudden I got this message from the transwoman, that another client will come in about 45min. And that information put me under stress and made me stop responding to her messages. It started raining heavily. I was out there walking on the streets and I felt bad. I felt sad...I stopped responding at all to the transwoman, ordered the uber back home and thank God I did not go to her on this day.

So you see, although I have this amazing wonderful woman in my life, I'm still watching porn regularly and from time to time opening the site to the transwoman escorts, even if only for seeing if there are new transwomen with big dicks.

I know that if I would not be with my girlfriend I would have visited the transwoman escorts a long time ago, fullfilled my fantasies (pleasure) and feel miserable after cumming, as I do always...

It is such a crazy feeling. Porn is simply not enough, although I'm watching it and after hours manage it to ejaculate. I don't do it everyday but I cannot abstain from watching it and seeking new material for no more than a week or two.

I think I'm also addicted to seeking immediate dopamine releases. Be it through internet, smartphone, multitasking.

I tried to quit for at least 500 times? I don't know. I tried every method you can think of. At the end every method is only a theory. A contract you make with yourself, so you can easily break it whenever you want. Every idea or plan I make fails after a few days. It's like when I stop watching porn I find myself scrolling through my phone task-switching all the time. It's like the same pattern as in porn. Always seeking that quick instant dopamine release. So when I activate that same pattern in different areas (subconsciously) it triggers my porn cravings and sooner later (1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks) I find myself in this uncontrollable, powerless situations where something in me takes over and types in "pornhub" and in my head I say "let's just see one page, if there is something new" and almost everytime hours later I'm still searching.

So I wanna take this chance to try one more time quitting this porn addiction.
I don't know if anyone has similar experiences, if so, feel free to respond and share your insights.
If you made it this far reading everything, thanks a lot. I just hope I can overcome this addiction and at the end be an inspiration for everyone else.