Pre-martial sex for a Christian teen?

Welcome to the forums!

Are you thinking a one night stand or sex well into a long term relationship?

I know, it's tough when you're a teen, also when you're in your 20s. I get it, I really do, especially as someone from a conservative church, and as someone who hasn't had sex.

Growing up, our needs are solved by others or ourselves. I need money, so I work. I need sustenance, so I eat. I have urges, so I have sex?

It was super hard for me, because it's like "do I have to feel this urge all the time? How am I supposed to solve this?" I didn't masturbate as a Christian teen, so I was wishing, almost praying for a wet dream or maybe the sudden appearance of a woman in my bed.

So you have sex. You remember it well. Then you break it off with the girl. You meet the girl of your dreams, but she's a Christian virgin and she expects you to be a virgin, but you aren't (idk, this might be a situation that fits you, maybe not, depends on your community).

Do you believe that you should live by the Bible? What choices are your friends around you making about sex?

Life isn't always clear, it can be tough, we're similar in that I also recently didn't go to church for like 5 weeks or so.. which isn't super cool in my church.

 

I went to a Southern Baptist church when I was a teen and I didn't date in high school, but I did a couple of times in when I went to a community college. During my time in high school, I abstained from PMO and sex, and I don't regret it. It wasn't until I got caught up in a cult in my 20's and 30's is where I fell: I got someone pregnant and I was told to stay out of her and my daughter's life. Now that I am out of the cult, I still hold on to the belief that you should focus on improving yourself (get a job, start a career, start healthy routines, improve on your character [as I believe Christianity should always encourage]), then worry about developing a meaningful relationship before considering having sex.

I used to be a teen, and I get the pressure to have sex; but I firmly believe that life is much better when you abstain from PMO and sex, and only have sex with someone you've developed a meaningful relationship with (court the person you're with, get to know them for a couple of years [at least], and marry them if you feel they will work for you). I know that's against how our culture works, but you and I both know that the best thing you can do.

 

I agree @Olympus2567
PMO isn’t natural. And p is very recent in our history. I wish i lived in a tribal enviroment, but i don’t.
You could marry at 20 some guys even marry at 18 it’s not unheard of. and to be honest it’s probably better than waiting until your older if you can’t abstain.

 

I think that’s a good plan bro!

 

I joined the evangelical movement in 2001, when I was 19.
After 16 years of going to their temples, and doing everything they said.
It dawned on me that I had never experienced a day of peace.

In fact, it was a endless financial and mental nightmare..
I started reading the Bible, in a new living translation, and finished it.

Then I read the New Testament, studying every book, and chapter very carefully.
It still breaks my heart to know that I was a slave to their cult for most of my youth.

Don`t get me wrong I`m still a firm believer in Christ, it's just that all the topics taught at their temples.
Serve as a trampoline into keeping you locked in and contributing.

The Bible by no means condemns proper sexual intercourse.
Jesus actually takes pleasure in it. What he condemns is the ``Heart-breakers.``

People who use women, and abandon them, making a game out of something sacred.
If you fall in love with a young lady, you have the moral obligation to fulfil her needs, and yours.

And, the proper age for this to start is 18, when you mature into manhood, being prepared by the Spirit of the Lord, and can support her emotionally.

Observe what the Apostle Peter wrote, ``Enjoin with your wife in a pure, and respectful manner acknowledging that she is the weaker sex.`` I hope you can reflect in prayer, and discover what he means.

 

I relate to what you're saying that P and PMO would no longer be needed once I was married. I used to think this when I was younger too. I thought why would I miss PMO when I have someone I can share the real thing with! Unfortunately this isn't the case, the habits formed by getting addicted to PMO are not replaceable by a spouse, or any other person. They are also not fulfilled by a relationship.

Yes, the new excitement of a new relationship will make you think that it is in fact true that the relationship can replace PMO. But that is not something that will last long term. Eventually the lure of PMO will return. Because PMO addiction is not just an urge, it's a compulsive addiction, that can get out of control. I think if you want to focus on something focus on being disciplined, abstain from PMO and work on controlling your impulses. By doing so you are going to be a much better partner for someone when you meet them.

Something that I finally took to heart is what is said in the Bible about "when one thinks of another lustfully, they have already committed adultery in their heart". This is a pretty powerful statement that's worth thinking about. This doesn't just simply go away when you find a long term relationship. When looking and MOing to P we are actively creating a habit of lusting after another. Sexually objectifying others through fantasy.

 

I would like to add on what @Warfman is saying: we crave novelty; constantly seeking something new. I second the notion that getting a partner will drive you away from PMO is not true. I have had girlfriends and then I got married and I still PMO'ed.

Personally, I recommend to single people to focus on improving themselves before getting into a relationship, that way you're more than prepared for what life will throw at you.

 

I have come across some Christians who think pre-marital sex is ok but they tend to be progressive Christians. Still, the Bible isn't as clear as some Christians make it out to be on the subject of pre-marital sex. It repeatedly talks about sexual immorality being bad but what is sexual immorality? One could say pre-martial sex is a part of sexual immorality but how can we know for sure? From my understanding, when the New Testament was written it was quite common for men to rape women and have sex with children so could it be sexual immorality means rape or paedophilia? I'm no expert on this subject and I could be wrong but it's something worth exploring.

Saving sex for marriage can lead to the problem of people getting married just so they can have sex. I've met some Christians who were so desperate to have sex that they ended up marrying someone they didn't love. After a few years, they get divorced or are stuck in a miserable marriage. I think it is better to focus on building a good relationship rather than focusing on saving sex for marriage.

Don't get me wrong I'm not advocating for casual sex. I think hook-up culture is toxic and a growing number of women are fed up with it. Every so often I go on dating apps and see women telling guys to stop sending them dick pics. In their profiles, they say they want a relationship, not anything casual. So I expect you will encounter women who'll be impressed that you don't want to have sex straight away. But building a strong relationship should be the focus not avoiding sex.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this trial. But I had to comment on the idea that guys used to marry when they were very young earlier in history. While this is commonly believed to be the case, the fact is that it is not true. I forget the source and where I read it (doh!), but it was reputable. Throughout history most marry in their mid-20s. As a male marrying in your 30s is not unusual.

What others have said here is helpful advice. You should aim for a relationship and not for sex. Sex is the cherry on top, but not the main dish. I can tell you that as a man in his 40s who has been married 15+ years. I was addicted to porn before I got married. I thought getting married would fix the addiction. I was wrong. And it's still a problem. The real value of a relationship is the relationship. There is a reason premarital sex is forbidden by God. Instead of viewing it as a negative, you should try to understand the positive reasons so you can see the glory and wisdom in it. God is not some tyrannical despot, anxiously clutching his pearls and withholding joy from you. Actually, he is giving you his commands in order for you to find true joy (and freedom!), and not the sort of (passing) "joy" the world claims to offer (a form of slavery).

I recommend you join the Christianity group and seek some help there, if you want.

Matthew 5:27-30 27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

Adultery, by definition, is an individual having sex with someone not his spouse. Jesus here makes it clear that adultery is a matter of the heart and not merely outward acts. Sexual immorality/fornication is referred to in verse 32. The Greek word πορνεία refers to unlawful sexual intercourse (unlawful according to Mosaic law's Seventh Commandment, that is, outside of marriage). See the standard lexicon on this.

When all is said and done, the meaning of marriage is to be found in the relationship between God and Israel (e.g., Hosea, etc.), or Christ and the church (Ephesians 5). This is why God created man as Adam and Eve: to represent his relationship with his chosen people. Having sex outside of marriage means two people having intimate relations with someone they are not covenantally committed to, which is a perversion of what the male-female bond is intended to portray.

Revelation 21:1-4 1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

 

I don't think it is. I just looked up adultery on my OED app and it says adultery is sex between a married person and someone who is not their spouse. Anyway, maybe I should have said this from the outset that I'm no longer a Christian. I thought about not saying anything on this thread but in the OP it says 'accepting all answers' and this is my answer. I just think there are worse things someone can do than having pre-martial sex and purity culture has done just as much damage as hook-up culture.

 

@onceaking, yes, I know you aren't a Christian believer. It's not my thread, but I'm happy for our interaction and think it has been civil and respectful.

Yes, your definition of adultery is more accurate (legally speaking), but still not complete. If a married individual has sexual relations with someone not his spouse, both individuals are adulterers, even if the other individual is not married. An adulterer, technically, is someone who breaks the covenantal marriage bond by intercourse. But my point is that, for Christian purposes, Jesus expands the definition: to simply look lustfully at a woman who is not your spouse is to have an adulterous heart, even if neither individual is married. There is a more restricted and specific legal/official definition of adultery, and then there is Jesus' expanding and deepening of the idea, making it practically indistinguishable from fornication/sexual immorality. But obviously the terms are related.

"Purity culture" is not something I'm advocating for, nor is purity culture something reducible to the idea of avoiding premarital sex. I think avoiding premarital sex has always been an element of the Christian/Biblical ethic. Purity culture is a modern perversion of the Christian ethic, in my humble opinion.

And I agree with you that there are worse things (as in, more sinful) that one can do than having premarital sex. It is not the most evil sin on the planet, nor is it unforgivable--as if there were any sin that God can't forgive! But, according to the Bible, it is still wrong, ought to be avoided, and not taken lightly.

In the above I'm not seeking to argue, just provide a standard, conservative, historic Christian perspective. Thanks for the conversation, @onceaking.

 

I have a life experience I thought I'd share here. One of my best friends who I've known since childhood was about to get married. He was one who saved himself for marriage, his family is the most influential part of my religious life. I was a groomsmen in his wedding, and I remember him saying some things he was excited to do sexually with her openly to the group of men as we were getting ready. I being one who did not save myself, and also consumed porn thought wow! Can a Christian man even say these things? Or think them while dating a woman? I think I bought into the sometimes cliched idea that thinking of sex in any way, was wrong and bad. So I hid my own deviancy from the world. It was so different to hear a friend and man I respect openly express his sexual desire for his future bride.

I made a comment about him thinking about things sexually before they were married, he confidently said that he would soon be married to this woman. And that it's not bad for him to look forward to this wonderful part about marriage.

This threw me for a loop, because I had always struggled with an internal battle that my sexual desires were at its core evil. My father never spoke to me about things like this and also is not a Christian I had no model for what this should look like, and this was one of my first experiences talking about sexuality with a Christian man.

I don't beleive being open about my sexual desires is bad to be true anymore. What I do beleive is that I allowed modern culture and P to negatively affect my sexuality as a Christian man. Instead of embracing and being confident of them, accepting how I was created like my friend, I gave into them and perverted them behind closed doors.

I think it's maybe the biggest challenge young men face. Embracing masculinity, high sex drive, etc. While also being told they have toxic masculinity.

I'm trying to speak as someone who sees what I have done wrong in my life to offer something here so please anyone reading understand it comes from a place of wanting to help. Not start a political debate.

I think maybe the most important thing I would suggest to the OP is try and remove shame from your sexual desires. You are not bad for them! But, also understand that there is extremely dangerous reprocussions from P use or being sexually cavalier. How it can change and shape behaviors. Similar to the old phrase "you are what you eat". You become what you consume, watching porn changes how we see the world and how we act in it.

As far as premarital sex, I have had many sexual partners. Some were people I cared for, others were people I barely knew. The sexual relationships I had with people I cared for were positive experiences, yet they also created a lot of attachment that caused a lot of pain. The ones I didn't really know, aren't things I look back on that negatively, but I also know they aren't as important now as I thought they were back then. I think casual sex, does effect the person later in life and it has in mine in ways I didn't realize when I was single.

My wife and I both have had many sexual partners. I know many of her previous sexual partners, and she knows many of mine. I'm not saying it cheapens the experience we share together, though it might. But, we both do deal with a lot of emotions when we regularly see people we both have slept with. There are days we both struggle with the idea of what we have done sexually with others. For this reason I highly suggest thinking about the importance of this in your own life. It's particularly difficult to go to an event, and shake hands with someone who has had sex with your spouse. This isn't a male ego thing either, my wife equally struggles with the same thing as we regularly see women I've had sex with as well and she struggles with this too.

I guess my main point is. Looking back. I wish I hadn't treated sex as casually as i did and I think my wife would agree. It's something to be shared with someone you care deeply for. To the main question of this thread. The sexual experiences I had did not reduce P use, except during the very beginning of my more serious relationships. But in time, it would come back not because I lost sexual interest in my partner at the time. But because PMO was a coping mechanism for lifes issues. And a relationship does not fix life's issues, if anything it complexes things further! I fell for a lie I told myself that the only reason I used p was because of my sex drive and I could stop any time I wanted. But, this wasn't the reality of why I actually used P maybe in part it was at first, but it isn't the ONLY reason.

 

I thought I'd add a little to this point,

Even though I am certain that this is true, I don't think that this means having lots of pre marital sex means someone will have a better sex life than someone who doesn't. I know people who saved themselves and are glad they did.

I think what might be a key contributing factor in happiness in sex and marriage has to do with communication, both people have sexual desires, but i think so often this isn't talked about much if at all. P addicts might be particularly to blame in this area because of the deceitfulness P addiction usually comes with, but there's also a lot of awkwardness many feel when talking about these things. I think it's important to have conversations about sex with someone you are thinking of marrying regardless of if they are already having sex or not, because good communication is going to result in a better relationship, and a better relationship usually results in a better intimate relationship.

 

As someone who's gone from agnosticism to Christianity, I originally struggled with the pre-marital sex aspect of the faith. I would think, "why can't I have this awesome thing?" and the answer I later found is because God is concerned with love and joy, not pleasure. Later in life, I have come to really appreciate God's commandments because they take into account my wounded nature, so what God is trying to save me from is a horrible, self-centered, loveless, sex life.

With that said, I think you're not doing yourself any favors by imagining a future of 15 years of celibacy. You don't know the future, so don't get caught up in future tripping; That is a tactic the devil uses for you to focus on yourself and doubt God's power and grace. All of us need to be chaste for today, and that is the reality of the matter. Take your desire to find a good Christian wife to God in prayer. Tell him what kind of woman you're looking for and pray to become a good Christian husband. Do these things, but remember what Jesus showed us when he prayed to the Father, "Thy will be done, not mine". Any time you pray for something, you need to likewise pray for the grace to let go of it too! God doesn't always call us to go where we want to go, but he always calls us to go where we need to go.