Porn Has Destroyed Trust...and more

Hey fam!
I'm brand spankin' new. The struggle as you all know is extremely real. Especially when the things you do, which they always do.. impact others. My actions in my relationship I have been so blind to. I've been with an amazing girl for about three years. I cannot say our relationship was rock solid, I do believe that majorly was from my hiding and pretending I didn't have a problem. I have been struggling with porn since my goodness.. I have to actually say 9. It all began by me catching my dad watching it in the living room. (Thanks dad, you have always taught me well. :/) Zoom to me being in a relationship.. it's been eye-opening. I knew I had a problem, but nobody really knew about it, so I didn't see it as a huge one. It only began when I had someone come into my life and reveal to me that my thoughts and my ways of viewing women.. were very skewed. My thoughts in sexuality were so gone and disrupted. My dates all had to get the dealings of it. I never abused or did anything wrong, but I was never able to provide intimacy and trust as they needed. I didn't know why! I should've learned from my dad, seeing as how my mother always felt alone, did everything for us, and tried her best to be the figure we need.
Now I met a woman three years ago, I had been working on myself, trying to figure out what I'm doing walking around in this world... and she's been the biggest love and I just can't let her go, not without trying. I know she's leagues upon leagues out of my league, but I want to be a man that isn't. I'm not doing this solely for her. After my eye-opening experience, and how much I hurt her when she found out I did it. It lead me to really see what kind of man I was becoming. I am down the path to be my dirtbag of a father! I don't want to be that. Then I looked at my actions, myself and they didn't reflect the false image I put on me. So, I'm here to change radically. But right now, I also have loved one, who is going through hell! I'm new here, and I want to be the most supportive person for this girl... but it's challenging when my problem hurts her so much. I know it does, but it's hard to let her in on everything.
I told her two weeks or so, whenever that was, of my falling. It was extremely scary, and also it hurt. She at first was hurt, of course I don't blame her, but after a bit she came to me and thanked me for telling her what I'm going through. We had a very awesome conversation following it. She suggested I find more sources of help and get serious with trying to battle it. She was right, I was kind of taking half-assed measures to conquer this. I want to ask what has been the best ways you have conquered your urges? Also, for someone who is in a relationship... How have you been able to be supportive and communicative to your SO? Is there help that I don't know about that she can get during this process because I know it's actually harder and more painful for her to watch me fight something so personal feeling to her. I don't ever want to downsize her struggle through this, and it really is hard to focus on healing when I'm more worried about her. Being worried I can't do anything but be my scumbag father tempts me to go down deeper into this thing. Any reads, suggestions, and also thank you for being here and fighting this crap with me. I do want to gain power, friends, and ways to fight it. I have downloaded software that helps it make it harder to get to. I seriously suggest everyone do it! You sometimes need training wheels before you ride a big bike, and sometimes if your biggest weapon isn't hidden, you are going to only use it and use it to abuse yourself.

 

Thank you for the reply! I've looked into those things you've mentioned and I'm going to talk with her about it soon. It's been a pretty hectic week for both of us. Yes, I told her about my issue because she mentioned how much porn affected her and it haunted me for a while. I tried quitting off and on and didn't realize I needed help... realizing if I were to keep it a secret any longer, I know she would've found out later, especially if I wanted to marry her.. I'm not too selfish to give her something that hurts her so much in life. It would be like marrying someone and I had a habit of putting peanut butter on my body or something, and then not ever stopping that habit even after they tell me they had severe allergies to it. It's horribly selfish. So, I tried to quit before I propose to her, but then it got to the point where I was about three months clean. It was going great. I realized and hoped I had conquered it. I tried the cold turkey and that seemed to have worked the best.... then I relapsed, and that's when I really realized I couldn't do this alone, I couldn't keep it a secret to her anymore, I was worried I couldn't quit soon enough, but I was on the process of quitting. I know I'm going to end this addiction. I have to. It was extremely hard and horrifying to tell someone you are stuck in a cycle of using the thing that hurts them really badly... but I would've rather her knowing my reality rather than her finding out like it usually does happen. It was very very hard because she did take it really badly, but I don't blame her. I was prepared for any consequence because I own this. So, thankfully she's been supportive of me to recover, but I know how much more painful this probably is on her end, and want her to have the support she needs in knowing she was never less than, and also for her to understand more of the process in general. I know when you break that trust, it's not going to be heard from my lips until I show it, and I never want her to believe what may be coming in her mind from my actions. Especially while I'm going through the process, I want her to understand that what I've done and may do again in this period of recovery, is not about who she is and it's all about my horrible habits that I enabled for so long. Anyway, that's a long explanation of where we are at, and I am worried I will never gain her trust again, but I'm more worried that I will never end this addiction because then she will have a reason to never trust me again.