Porn Addiction without mastarbation? Is this a lie?

I guess it says it all in the title really. Im wondering could my hubby be lying to me about not masterbating while viewing porn. He says it doesn't even rise while watching it and he also can't touch himself as its disgusting.
Does anyone else not get erection while watching porn but you do for your other half?
I've literally watched most videos he has watched and its soul destroying to know he spent so much time on these sites hidden away in the toilet or bath or even in his shed, while I'm living life and being responsible. It always gets worse during pregnancy and after I have a baby. We have had 2 babies in 2 years so I do feel for him, but he is the one who put me in that condition. I always presumed it would just go away but now I'm realising it's going no where unless he does! I don't want to divorce the man I love and who I invested so much into. We have 3 beautiful children and I have 2 from previous relationship, so I am in no way afraid or scared of being alone. In fact I welcome it today, I've been crying for 3 days now, our Little one is 4 weeks old so.not sleeping much and I am not getting any answers apart from........
I dont know why!!
WHAT A FLIPPING COP OUT!!!
I feel like saying I'll tell you why..... because your a c**t!!! He was actually shocked when i said he disrespects me and cheats on me with his heart and mind. He didn't think this to be true dispite having his addiction from god knows when because he cant even be honest about anything at present. He admitted his addiction to me last year after our 2nd baby. We even started to use RMDP app and it was good apart from I hated being the accountantable one, I was spying on his every move and I became obsessed by it all. We deleted the app for my own good after 90 days, he was always looking for hot women on Instagram in papers etc even when using the app, so he replaced porn with anything he could look at without it flagging up as porn. Soon as the app was deleted he started viewing porn again. Even 100's of videos on our 2nd wedding anniversary (been together 7 years), also clicked on many free sex book up sites and clicked all the aay through till he had to stop (asked for email address).
All the signs were there again, he cant deal with the guilt, he makes it so obvious too!
It's hard to believe he doesn't get turned on while viewing porn because even I got a twinge while looking at some of the videos. He gets hard for me but to be honest after him rejecting me because of tiredness I am losing interest myself. I have a very high drive and it is being wasted while I'm in my prime while he hides away watching other women in their prime, with better everything than me. I used to be so confident and now I'm literally a shell of my previous self.
It's making me feel like I dont need to exist anymore apart from to look after the kids. I cant let them see me upset they have seen my heart breaking the past few days and none of them know why. My older sons are starting to get annoyed and ask questions. Part of me wants to tell them about it all to warn then away from using porn when they reach the age they are in healthy, happy and fulfilling relationships, but I know my husband would be totally ashamed.

If any male can shed a bit of light on this it would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

He isn't even watching full videos, just clicking one to the next and forwarding to bits he wants to see. He has also done this mostly at work whilst waiting around in his digger so I cant imagine him sat there with his peice out in his hand, he does have a little pattern of times he will use it, morning, lunch, dinner and before bed so I'm guessing if he had the chance he could be a 4/5 times a day guy too. He watched it after we had sex the other day and that really got to me. He wont watch with me, even though I don't mind. I actually didn't mind him watching porn and I'm quite open minded about it but he has clicked sex hook up links far too many times now so no guessing which direction he is headed. I'm at such a loss with it all. It's been going on since 2013 (we met late 2012) when I caught him because he went on a hook up site and messaged a women to ask if she wanted his big c**k, reading that broke me but he blamed his work mate, then it was my fault because I was always busy with work, then he admitted his addiction and then said it's still not his fault because I'm always busy with the kids. I pointed out that I cuddle him every night, kiss him at every opportunity and show him non sexual intimacy lots and I see nothing in return, he doesn't see this.
I do know of a possible reason he is ashamed to touch himself (his words) his catholic upbringing in Ireland forbids it and he also found porn mags at 11/12 hidden away belonging to an adult who begged him not to tell as his wife would kill him. I dont know if that has anything to do with the watching/not walking (apparently) thing?

 

The other night I was watching specific porn I searched for because it's a scenario we want to try and he literally turned his back on me and fell asleep. Just before he went to sleep (you know your misses knows that deep sigh when you finally nod get-well he hadn't yet done that so thought it was worth a shot) I said loud enough for him to hear that I wanted his c**k. He literally started fake snoring a few mins later, still no sigh, then trys to pretend he didnt hear me. I felt like a cheap dirty slut and I literally havent even so much as looked at him since. He doesn't like watching me upset yet he makes no effort to talk. Day 2 of silence today, I am literally ready to blow. The difference between my porn use and his is that I do not enjoy it unless watching it with him in a sexual scenario and it has to be something natural looking with the women looking like they are having a nice time and I obviously have standards too so the actors both need to be good to look at. He is watching in secret without me, ignoring life and responsibility. He just keeps saying he doesnt know why he watches it. Surely we all know why we do something?? I literally havent even been able to wait more than 2 weeks post birth so he hasnt got it that bad, we also had sex right up to the day of birth with all children (helps put you into labour). We have been pretty lucky in the sense I uavent been affected down below and he struggles to get it in still (good for both) he even says he cant believe how quick I ping back post birth and I'm already in my skinny Jean's 4 weeks post birth. He knows how upset this made me last time, even to the point I was suicidal over it and the midwife referred me to mental health team for postnatal psychosis (which I didn't have but could well have been pushed into it by his addiction). I love him and would gladly have sex 4/5 times a day if we had the time! I literally dont stop with 5 kids and I'm shattered but I have never once rejected my husband. He gets in bed and turns his back to me every night. We have never slept face to face and always sleep back to back but I always cuddle into him for a few mins, I'm always the one to initiate sex too, very rarely he does unless his peice woke up before he did.
Do I just have to face facts that it will always be a thing he will do and may or may not lead onto cheating. I cant live with all that uncertainty and I certainly will not share my husband with anyone or anything anymore.
When we had the RMDP app in could see his behaviour worsening, looking at more risky pics without the app detecting the bad words. I could see it was depressing him the thought I could see everything so we deleted it. I had the app too and not once did he look at my history or email reports in the 3 months we had it, although he could of. I abstained from porn and all other sexual things apart from contact with him after the app had gone because I didnt want to trigger it all off again and he was watching it behind my back the whole time. It's like only his sex life matters, there isn't even a thought for me or stuff I like or want.

 

I keep trying to talk but he walks away from me into another room. To be fair I was a bit shouty and mad the past 2 days, i pushed him away when he tried to hug me when I was crying, he is a lost man walking round with his head hanging in shame. He also keeps looking at those stupid bigger willy tablets and has body issues of his own because of it. I absolutely do not need a bigger one. He compares himself to the porn and says it makes him sad he cant get an erertion for porn. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse considering the fact if he did get an erection he may then be happy?! Literally don't know what to say to that!

 

O? I'm new so you have to let me know what the abbreviations mean lol
He had no problem having an erection while we watched it last time together before I even touched it. I just cant get my head round it. He isn't very tech savvy so literally leaves a trail even after trying to delete it all. I dont even need to look at his phone to know he has watched it. I know his ive just watched porn face! I even turned it into a secret game for myself, guessing he had then checking history to confirm. I know him too well and I'm too good at reading people much to his dismay!
I don't even know what he is trying to escape because he has an easy life at home and work.

 

I do notice in certain positions he goes a bit softer but one of us will move and it gets sorted pretty quickly. Maybe he doesnt think I notice because I never say anything about it just incase it makes it worse! God forbid he ever gets ED for me! It is only while viewing porn it happens apparently. He watches a lot of old lady stuff he loves bug boobs so that is on there, then anything from Russian teens to people wearing clown masks lol there is literally no set type which is even harder for me because I can't even compete with what he likes more of or make an effort to do something for him similar. I like to watch and we have a mirrored bedroom which he loves. It drives us wild. We have made our own porn which he never watches and to be fair neither have I because the videos are on his device and I dont want to watch myself. I suggested dogging sites for outdoor sex and he said I wanted other men within seconds of the suggestion?! I have never even looked at another man in that way, even the ones in the porn films.

 

So do you watch the videos you made with her or are you abstaining from these too? If not watching now did you watch them very often? I asked to look at the video the other day and he moaned it would take ages to find. When I had his phone I clicked to them in seconds so not sure what to make of that. It was a particular act that was filmed which we dont do very often but we got some lube and a hotel room! The kids are literally c**k blockers and we stayed away from the house for my sons 16th party, I ended up pregnant from that weekend! I am having no more kids now, he cant cope without unpregnant me and I cant cope dealing with his addiction. I put it a different way to him yesterday and said I hope our new and only daughter finds a man to love her and show her the upmost respect and admiration. His face dropped at the thought she could meet someone exactly like him so he must think he is an asshole deep down!

 

Hi sorry about that. I'm not really sure what I can and cant write. Noticed a spoiler tab, how do you do that? I was sure i satisfied him and he does me which you cant really hide or fake. He even watched it after sex in the bathroom the other day, I couldn't believe it.

 

How do you mean?

 

Unfortunately us highly sexed women who are also mothers dont lose our drive or our libido it's just the lack of energy, mostly from the kids sucking the life out if us from dusk till dawn. We cant be there 24/7 waiting to be had by our other halves, life resumes with or without us and without us it would crumble. The responsibility of family life is harsh at times, we as mothers sacrifice alot..... even our sex life and own desires to make sure everyone is happy. It's a thankless task.
Initiating sex is no problem for me although I must be doing something wrong? It's like he wants to keep me away from it all but then he wants me involved when I find out again. I'm confused but staying strong this time. Its porn or me. That simple!