Please help!

I’ll be frank - no one quits cold turkey. This is the hardest addiction to quit. He’s still using, it might be by imagination and masturbation it might be p-subs,or porn itself, but no one just quits cold turkey. They must get help. Even with help most never get into long term recovery. Addicts lie. That’s one thing they do really well. They hide. You went 3 years without sex?!
Trust me, if he had stopped using, (unless he has a medical conditions) he would be hard and you wouldn’t have to try. My husband had pied from age 45-50. Know when it went away? About 2-4 months in recovery. Not only did pied go away, he wanted sex. I stopped initiating, threw out all my lingerie and basically sat back to see how his recovery would go without sexual stimuli from me at all. Normal sex becomes amazing to them when they quit pmo. The problem is it causes chasers which in the beginning make it really hard for them not to relapse. We have been together 35 years. Sex is not boring. It’s the best it’s ever been ( his words not mine)
Every husband tells his wife he quit, he’s had no relapses and only thought of it a couple times. Every husband tells his Wife how much he loves her and porn meant nothing and he won’t risk losing her. We want to believe it because they believe it. If that’s the case why didn’t they stop the very first time? Because they can’t. What has changed this time to make your husband stop? Has he read books, gone to counseling, go to saa group meetings? Does he have an accountability partner or 5 ? Because they really need that. They don’t quit on their own. If you don’t believe me, go read all the journals, go to the beginning ( usually years ago) then look at their counters. Once you understand, then you can take steps to protect yourself and better your marriage. He may also be white knuckling, where he’s stopped the majority of acting out, and maybe isn’t looking at porn, but he hasn’t addressed the cause of the addiction. Start asking him questions- when was the last time he masturbated, this will cause problems even without porn. Ask him if he has a porn stash and did he delete it? Ask to look at any device he has and ask him to show you how he hid the porn from you. Once in recovery they will do this without defense. At 5 months clean he should not be defensive, he should be willing to talk about it and he should start having more empathy for you. What have you done for recovery? How are you addressing what has been done?

 

Psalm has some good points. Quitting is hard. Therapy, SAA, accountability partners, journaling, reading, etc all help a ton.

I think making assumptions that the ED is from porn or that he's lying and still using is just that, an assumption. Him saying that sex is boring is an asshole move. He might be telling the truth from his viewpoint, but it's still an asshole move. It's not your job to bring variety into his sex life to make up for porn, it's his job to show you that he deserves the physical affection from you.

One thing you said though really stood out. That you've felt like roommates for a long time. It seems like you lost the "spark" years ago when you started sleeping in different rooms. There are plenty of books (and I've read a couple) about the difference between being roommates and partners. If it's been years since sex, and longer since you felt that connection, that might be playing into everything. Not to mention the pressure on him to make a major life change and perform for you for the first time in years. I would venture to guess if he was being honest that every ED episode hurts him a lot more than you because if he really wants to make your relationship work, he feels like he needs to physically show you, and he's letting you down. But hey, that's just an assumption on my end, and we all know assumptions make an ass out of you and me.

My advice, from the husband who fucked things up, but has been able to lay off the sauce, take a break from the sex for a bit. My wife and I went like 30 days or so. Fact is she wasn't a big fan of me and it would have felt forced anyway. Get him some help if he's willing. Therapy was the big thing for me, but SAA groups were a close second and books were third. If you have the ability, do therapy together with a different professional than he's seeing alone. My wife and I haven't made that work scheduling wise but we use apps like Lasting to create conversations and work together.

 

Although I get your point about the Ed, it’s unfortunate that I’ve learned with addicts in this area, they usually turn out to be lying. Obviously not every single one but I’ve yet to hear of one that wasn’t lying or didn’t have a medical issue. I’d rather go with what the odds are from her description that he just quit cold turkey and only thought about it a couple times??? I also don’t think his ED hurts him worse than her. I’ve been there. I was trying to make things work while he undermined the relationship with his addiction. Men only think from their perspective, when our husband can’t get it up for us it is devastating. It really destroys something inside of us.We know we aren’t attractive to him in spite of his assurances that we are. We cannot give him that high that he gets from porn. Lay off the lust smorgasbord of countless women and miraculously our husband gets hard just looking at us. Shocking. Him telling her sex is boring you call anasshoke move but couldn’t it also be his total lack of empathy because he is still using?? I do know that very few get clean. That’s one truth, the few who do, it takes a lot of help. I believe her husband does want the relationship to work, he doesn’t know how to get there. No one just quits cold turkey with no help. It’s too bad most of us didn’t hear this the very first time we caught our spouse. Same way it’s too bad society has sold porn as normal and healthy and sexual liberation. More like slavery.

 

When they are in recovery and have tackled all their issues, sex really does take care of itself. It changes with them. Porn was not my husbands only problem , he had to confront and deal with his IA, which many porn addicts have. Hard mode is suggested by professionals in order to help with sobriety. 90 days no sexual stimuli ( my husband and I only made it 52 days had sex then 50 days) but it really helped. If my husband just looks at psubs it affects him in the bedroom. Just focus on you and your healing. Almost 3 years into recovery and I can say trust your gut. If you think he’s clean and have no doubts, then I believe you. Our gut is amazing. But your post had multiple red flags that suggest he is not in recovery. Only you know and if your gut doesn’t say something is off, then I’d trust it.

 

Bloom for women has free courses and online counseling. They are amazing and incredibly helpful

 

Hey I hope I'm not being rude or too annoying by interjecting, but what does IA stand for?

 

Intimacy Anorexia- my husband didn’t fit all the things about it, but enough that we though it might b an issue and turns out it was . Lol

 

I would definitevely dump him the 2nd time you caught him with porn. You are waisting a lot of time with a guy that have this issues and is making you feel miserable and like roommate for years. How more many years are you going to waste in this guy?

He consumed porn for 32 years.. he is strongly associeted with porn. He bearly had sex with you so his brain is so used to have sex with porn that is a lot more extreme and exiting than normal sex. His brain will get exited with porn and not with real life sex.

You are trying to fix in 5 months something that have been corrupted for 3 decades. It can takes several more months or years to the brain to get back to it's normal desire for regular sex. How many time are you willing to wait and be frustrated in hope some day he get his shit together? What if after a couple of more months of failures he relapse again with porn?

Is not your job to fix him.. he has been a porn user for 30 years... is going to take years for him to leave porn behind if he succed to do that... witch is something that is really hard to do and few people are succesfull.

The reality is that he is a porn user and he can perform sex with you, that's reality and you need to take a decision according to this reality. Or you dump him and go and find a man that have his shit together, or you accept his addiction and hope that he will fix it in the future accepting that fact that he may not healh it and you are going to waiste a lot more time with him.

 

OK I'm going to have a dissenting opinion if I may. I don't agree with the notion of dumping him. When we have tried everything and I do mean everything and nothing works perhaps. But we really haven't tried everything now have we? That is an ignorant recommendation.

I do agree it is not your job to fix him. This is a brain disease. Like any other disease you can't fix it. The patient has to fix it. What does that take? Treatment. Medication. Therapy. etc. etc. etc. He has to do the work. Nothing you do is going to fix it. And btw you need to abstain from finding and recommending solutions to him. If he wants to fix it he needs to do everything to fix it. If he asks specifically for help with something specific, then fine. But the open ended target of finding the right kind of help? That's all on him.

I concur with everything psalm said. I will go a step further and say he is either white knuckling or he is in full blown addiction and he's a very good liar. Nobody that I know of has fixed it solo. No one!

What should you do? Boundaries and consequences. And you need to make them stick. You need to get yourself into self care. You are partly doing that here but I would highly suggest a women's group that specializes in betrayal trauma. Many churches have them and it makes no difference whether you are a member or not. It is a community outreach.

The probability he is clean just isn't supported with the red flags you've disclosed. This idea that he can make you a promise he can keep is a pipe dream. He can't. Addiction cannot make promises. There is nothing to back it up.

ED just doesn't happen in a 47 year old. If he is under the age of 55 and having PIED it's because of jerking off. I'm sorry to put it that way but it is what it is. Men who go to the urologist to be tested don't tell their doctor the absolute truth. "Just give me the little blue pill" and so they do without truly investing the underlying reasons behind it.

Any questions?

 

@tpatrick I'm glad you're here, I am sorry about the circumstances that brung ya.

There is a lot of good wisdom above, (and some terrible opinions too), eat the meat, spit out the bones. Most of these respondents have been around the block, have studied so much and know what their dealing with.

I just want to say no matter how daunting and scary recovery must sound. THERE IS HOPE IN HEALING.

I know for me after D-Day, I was a very good boy for months and months. The cost of loss of my family scared me into sobriety for quite some time. I didn't dare deviate or I would risk it all. Once flatline kicked in I thought I was winning. I simply had no desire to act out, although I was also numb in other ways unfortunately. Flatlining is a nice break from the barrage of assaults towards a sex addict. But it isn't self-mastery, and though we behave soberly, we aren't in recovery.

Recovery changes our minds. Rewires the neurochemistry, makes new healthy connections, develops new habits, empathy, appetites, emotional control, and fortitude. One can not develop these attributes cold turkey.

I am excited for your efforts to join this community, seek real help, reclaim your marriage. I fundamentally believe marriages are worth fighting for if both parties are willing. You must be a brave and strong woman.

I see you found your way here to NoFap, my question is where is he?

Be kind to yourself.

 

tpatrick there are many resources out there that really work if you know where to look. I think what you need more of is a means to give him a little bit of a nudge. Sort of push him to the edge of the nest. Since he's been teetering on it anyway with his fight or flight response give him a reason to fly! From your description sounds like he is doing absolutely nothing. And I suspect he is only going to counseling to patronize you. Just my nickles worth.

 

A lot of helpful things have already been said in the previous posts, so I'll be brief

1/ Yes, it's a brain disorder, and in my personal experience, willpower is not enough. It's very important for him and for you to understand the neurological and chemical factors at play. That will help you understand what's going on and fight better. I highly recommend this Book : "Your Brain On Porn" by Gary Wilson.

2/ There's another book that I recommend : "Out of the Doghouse". It's for him only this time. It will show him how he hurt you, and what he has to do to repair your relationship. I just finished this book. It's an excellent one, but as a recovering addict, it broke me ... In a good way.

So he has a lot on his plate (just like me) :
a/ Work to heal himself from PMO
b/ Work to restore your relationship, together with you