PLEASE HELP! Is it really possible to beat this shit?

Hey guys. I'm new to nofap. I've heard about it month and a half ago and since then I've been trying to quit pmo addiction but haven't succeed. Im feeling very down and hopeless and i just want someone to help and show me the way and convince me that it's possible,give me some tips to how to fight this addiction.

TRIGGER WARNING!

Its gonna be a long story and please read it please.

I'll start with my story. I got exposed to porn at a really young age of 10-11. At that time I knew a word masturbation but never knew what it meant but one day my friend showed me. He showed me how to masturbate on porn and that's when everything started. Before I started masturbation I knew about porn. I went back to home, Went into toilet,typed porn and masturbated first in my life. I still remember how it felt as it's always strong feeling. From the childhood i was really into devices and technological stuff,always interested in it. That's why i had phone at a really young age. Then i started my porn journey. It became a habit and i would do it sometimes everyday. Then it started to escalate and escalate and don't stop. I still remember how i started to watch more and more porn. I would watch it and masturbate 5-6 times a day. At the later puberty ages, like 13-14 when school got a little hard for me i started to use porn as a coping mechanism to my stress and deppresion as I was always responsible and did my homework. I would jack off before going to school, then after i came from school and then before sleeping. Sometimes if i woke up midnight i would get my phone and go to toilet and masturbate again and then sleep. I never noticed it but slowly my life force started to dissapear. Once i was a hyper active always energetic to play football with my friends. I started to lay down in my bed everyday. This was my routine at weekends: wake up and stay in bed - masturbate to porn - eat - lay down in bed - play games in phone - masturbate - eat etc. Everyday i was like that without energy to do anything. I never knew if porn and excessive masturbation would do that to me as i blame it for that reason. I would rather lay down in my bed then go out and play football or do some physical activity. I started to eat like shit and im still skinny but i have a lots of fat around my hips and belly. Then all the negative stuff started to hit me. Because of being like a fucking worm in my bed and not going out,i would see photos of my friends on social media having fun. Because of that i started to have deppresion. I was thinking why they would have fun without me and not telling me that they were going somewhere or doing something. I started to think they were fake and lying to me all the time and they didn't like me and they were trying to leave me alone. I started to have a low self-esteem. At that time i was pretty shy and low confidence guy. I would see my friends texting girls and i never was interested in engaging in such a thing cuz i thought i was ugly cuz i had bad teeth and acne, and not manly body and i thought i didn't knew how to talk to girls and they would just laugh at me. Because of that i never tried to talk to girls and now that is really fucking me up and I'll tell you soon. Once we were at the competition at the city. We had a volleyball competition and there was one girl who i guess liked me. When i went home there was a message from her and i started to think it was my opportunity and i was really happy. I started to have crush on her But i was such a stupid and like a kid i started talking about stupid shit to her and she got unintereseted and blocked me after 3 months if i remember correctly. That really hit me and i became more fearful of engaging in relationship while my friends were having fun texting girls.
This depression added to my porn escalation and i started to watch more and more and more porn. Sometimes i would go to the point where i couldn't even ejaculate and it was a dry orgasm. I would feel numb and fucked up after that for a long time but cycle if pmo was never ending. I never knew i was destroying myself and desensitizing my brain. Life started to become boring, pale. I didn't had any motivation to do anything at that point and i felt miserablem i started to become lazy and lazy. I was doing my homework mostly at school and never with great quality. My friends begged me to go here and there and have fun but i would always tell them i was lazy. I wpuld go back home and watch porn. When i started to watch porn more and more frequently i asked myself about that at some point and i was convincing myself that i was just really horny that i was at my adolescence and my hormones were building up. I started ti become so pervert that i would take my camera and take pictures of girls ass and then edge to it for long time and masturbate to it. Then,when i became 16 i decided to stop pmo and every horny shit i was doing cuz i saw some yt video about how porn damages your brain and takes you energy. I never indulged in that video and never saw what brain damages it does but i now knew it was bad and damaging my brain so decided to stop fapping. I heard about nofap at social medias at that time and i just knew the meaning of it that i just need to give up on porn and masturbation. At that time i started to workout at home as i live in a village and there is no nearby gym. Well it was hard for me at that time with that fucked up brain to force myself to get up early do cardio and stuff. But i managed to do it for a month. I would wake up early,do cardio and have cold showers 2 times a day sometimes 3 times a day as it was too hot at that time and it was helping me. I really never felt much urges to watch porn. Yea i was pretty much addicted at that point but it was not that challenging to give up on it. Then i met one girl at videogame and i started to text her. The thing is it was such a thrill when she said she was a girl cuz we played for a 20 minute before and i thought it was a boy cuz it's logical that mostly males play videogames. My heart started to beat hard and i was really exited that it was girl but i never considered to have any kind of connection with her and i think it's cuz of porn because i was always sexually satisfied and it dulled my ability to love. I actually had curshes on girls. I had 4 crushes at my life. I think that's cuz i always thought that they were not important and i should focus on myself,get a job,become attractive and then i would attract some great women and then have a great family with her. This was my dream all the time and i would always fantasize about having beautiful women next to me who would support me and love me and i would make her happy. I would literally feel butterflies and feel very excited when i thought about it. Anyways then this girl got interested in me and i gave her my insta and we started chatting. I was still inexperienced at talking with girls and it ended up same but i started ti beg her to stay. Well after 4-5 months she blocked me and told me it was nit going to work out and i started to have a such a bad depression because of it. I would go to bathroom and cry then while taking a shower i would cry and be very demotivated. I just wanted to lay in bed all day and don't do anything overthinking about what happend to me and the text messages she sent me. Guess what happend after :/
I have up on working out and my porn habits came back. I still remember how i forced myself to watch porn. At that time i really didn't have any urges to watch it but my brain was like you know if you do it you will feel pleasure and cope with your depression and bad emotions. At that time it was already an addiction and never helped me with my emotions, in fact would make it worse. Not only my porn viewing time got escalated but my genres too. At first it was still hetero porn like from vanilla to idk all kinds of genres like incest,rough,anal,petite,skinny,public agent,fake taxi, hotel and all types of shit which are too much to write down. Well it hasn't been while since then that i started to escalate to gay/trans porn. I just really don't fucking know why tf i escalated to that stuff. Before that I've seen gay porn stuff because my cousin was sending me some memes where gay porn would get flashed I would always get disgusted and once i remember i almosed puked when i saw it. And then i started to use gay/transwoman porn like that. First it was for arousal. I had questions about myself about why i was looking at it,was i gay? But i never had a single doubt in my sexuality. I never had cursh on men and i never had any kind of romantical or sexual attraction towards them. Mostly i would tell myself if i didn't orgasm on it i was not gay. I would get aroused by it then switch to normal porn which was still extreme and orgasm on it. All the time i did that i would remember gay porn and felt disgusted and questioning myself why i watched such a disgusting thing. Well then genres started to escalate on gay/transwoman porn too and im not gonna say that genres or some shit. Little did i onow i was making neural connections to my brain that was going to destroy my life as it's doing right now. Now it's been year and a half since i started watching gay/transwoman shit. I never liked same-sex behavior and never supported lgbtq but i have nothing against them it's just something I don't like. Porn influenced me in a way and i tried so much disgusting shit which i regret now really badly and im 100% sure if i never knew about porn i would never do that kind of shit. Now what happend recently is that around like 3 months ago i had some problems with my intestines. I had constipation,bad mood, depression,anxiety,no motivation. I started to research about it and in google there was one article it said it was rectal cancer. And that's how i got OCD. It was in an instant like what if i really have cancer? I had a panic attack and anxiety and then i would obsess about it. Then i found some other other diseases too and started to obsess about them. One day i had cancer,second day i had parasites, next day i had some kind of syndrome and it just drove me wild. I guess thats where my already fucked up brain just exploded and desensization just got set in. I would always think about cancer and that i had some bad problems no matter where i was. While reading,while listening to teacher, while with my friends and it was just crazy.my already pale colored life became black and white. I was forcing myself to do stuff. I would feel like as if my body and mind was disconnected and it was fucking crazy.Then i went to doctor and had some tests and found out it was some parasites.i got cured from parasites and my OCD faded away too. Not faded i guess it was completely gone. I started to have normal life again,without these stupid thoughts bothering me but porn was still there. One day like that i was masturbating to transwoman porn and then i asked myself question: why are you doing it? Go and watch straight porn. And then i found out about my PIED. I couldn't get hard anymore on straight porn no matter how extreme, how hot and rare it was. Thats i guess how i got SOOCD or mostly HOCD. I started to panic like am i gay? Am i trans? Am i not straight? and i almost died.then urges to watch this shit again made me more crazy and it was first time that i orgasmed on transwoman porn.I felt like shit. I broke down mentally and cried. I needed info about why i did it,was i really gay or some shit and I started to search about it and i found some reddit posts where some guys had same problems and one guy was saying it was porn escalation or something. Thats when i found out i had an addiction which destoryed my life and if i couldn't stop it it was going to destroy me more. That's when i found out about every info about porn escalation to genres. I found out about YBOP, nofap forum, reboot nation and youtubers like jk emezi, noah church , DFW and others. I started to spend hours and hours always just reading stories and listening to these guys about how it was escalation and in some cases people acted out on them and then felt disgusted and scarred by it. i would spend hours reading YBOP book,listen gary wilsons radio show,watch videos on YouTube. I tried to give up but on my first urge i still watched it but didn't masturbate and that's when i started to fear that urges. I couldn't maintain myself and told about it my parents. The reason i was not telling about it to anyone is that i live in a country where homosexuality and lgbtq stuff is not welcome and people dont like them. Same goes for me but i don't hate them either. Im really neutral about that so don't get me wrong like i hate them or some thing. And that's why i didn't wanted to tell them that i watched that kind if shit because i thought they would thing wrongly about me and think i was not straight and that i liked that kind of shit. Another reason is that my mother is a really sensitive person so i didn't wanted her to get nervous about me. They started to support me to beat this addiction. I started to indulge in normal life more as it was like forcing to me. I was so unmotivated and lazy and bored to do stuff. I started to learn how to drive a car, have time with my family,watch football together. I had a really strong urges at that time to watch transgendered person shit again and it was fuelling my SOOCD at that time but i never watched it. I abstained from it for 12 days and i felt much better. I felt my energy coming back, motivation coming back and negative thoughts were just much rare if we don't fucking count HOCD. Urges were really bad and my mood started to get below baseline. First 7-8 days was hard but after that one day i got up and magically felt much better.then i had some ad of some porn videogame and i downloaded it and started to play it. Well it was straight porn and i was like i started to get hard on normal porn so it's okay to watch it. I masturbated and orgasmed on it and then i fell for chaser effect till it didn't took me to 0. I started to have urges again on transwoman and rarely gay porn. Till then i have unsuccessful attempts to give up on it. I had streaks of like 8 days, 4 days ,2 days and it eventually became worse and worse. Now i really want to give up on this shit cuz i have a birthday in 14th june and i wanna enjoy it instead of feel like shit with these hocd thoughts and urges running in my head. Im clear for 1 day and im taking a progress slowly but today i did a research about nofap and my hocd. And since then I've been like shit cuz there was article like: is it hocd or are you in denial?
It said that if you have hocd then thoughts you have about homosexuality is repulsive but if you're in denial then you have thoughts but you like them. Thats what the fuck has been nagging me today and i just feel really fucked up and ill tell you why. The thing is im really not in a mental state to think and test about that kind if shit cuz im desensitized and conditioned and fucked up but when i think about having romantical relationship with guy its repulsive and i don't like the idea of it. Its something i will never do but when thoughts, urges come about gay sex i get aroused and mostly i wanna watch porn or it's like my fucking mind telling me that i enjoy gay sex and i should try it or some shit. Yesterday i had that same thought and relapsed but i managed to orgasm on straight porn as i saw gay porn and it became disgusting and then i saw transwoman porn,only one video and didn't indulge in it and it became disgusting too and then i relapsed on straight porn and the way i felt was fucking shitty. I was like how did that shit happend to me, how the fuck i was telling myself that i enjoy gay shit or trans shit.i broke down mentally again and went to bathroom and cried for half an hour. I started to beg god to help me and i didn't wanted that kind of thoughts. Today i still had urges to watch transgendered person shit and i almost did but i controlled myself.

The way i feel right now is just fucking miserable. Im like zombie, flesh which doesn't have emotions. Even though i can laugh and have little fun with friends it doesn't have that much effect on me like it used to have. I feel incapable of love like it's a chore. Zero libido and interest in girls and it's fucking scaring me.i didn't had interest in girls my whole life cuz of porn but at least before i would like their body or imagine myself in a romantic relationship with them.now not a single thought like that. 24/7 it's about my HOCD, reading and watching nofap stories and videos, nothing else.

My SOOCD is getting fucking stronger i guess. Im literally having thoughts and doubts which i never had in my life man. Im looking at my body and thinking it looks like girl body cuz i have stored my fat in my buttocks and hips and then questions like was i born a girl?am i trans? mostly its gay thoughts but it's fucking me up. I look at my fingers and they are skinny or examine my shoulders and i would think about it like i look feminine and that i behave like gay. I would literally examine soo small behaviors like the way i walks, way i look somewhere,way i turn pages,way i hold my phone,way i sleep and all kinds of shit. In my skinny body all the time the only biggest and stongest muscle i had was a thigh muscles as i was always running and walking, cycling and i was proud with that part of my body and thought it was my masculine side and was happy. Now i fucking look at it and then look myself in a mirror and think i have feminine legs and then thoughts fucking come up like im feminine and behave like gay and it's just fucking me up. All the time i go out and look if im interested in guys or girls and before my hocd comes in play i always look at girls but cuz of my desensitized brain it's like only a natural thing,nothing other. It's like my body and brain agreeing that she is attractive but i don't feel any kind if emotion or a thing or arousal or interest like before. Then my hocd comes and forces me to look at guys and test if im attracted to them.
Everytime when im with friends i would examine them like if i like them or not in a different way. Mostly answer is not but OCD is making me do it again and again and it's fucking me up.sometimes when we play football it gets hot so they take off their clothes and all the time i look at them and test if i like their body and it's just 24/7 fucking my brain

About the denial. What i think is that when i have fantasies about gay porn and i get somewhat aroused i think its cause of sensitized pathways in my desensitized brain cuz when i relapsed i got disgusted and cried cuz why i liked that kind of shit but i still have fucking doubts about it. Im in denial of sensitized pathways and not gay thoughts i guess but HOCD fucks me up still.Sometimes cause of HOCD i think that i was born gay and i was raised as a straight but it's not like that cuz i had crushes in girls and always turned on by girs and always had crazy orgasms on girlsin my early years when i was not texting girls and had no interest in them now is giving me so much anxiety that im not straight and its fucking me up.

I've been like that for month and a half and i don't know what to do. I can't tell about it to my parents cuz they think i already got over it. I cant go to therapists cuz of ocd cuz we are struggling financially and my parents have some bad health so i don't want to give them more problems.

I just want to be normal again. I don't know what to do anymore guys. Please help me.

Help me if it's possible with nofap to get my interest in girls back,like how i felt before and please tell me that these fucking fetishes go away

Please tell me that it gets better and that my hocd will go away like it went away before and that my emotions come back and that urges to watch this evil shit go away.

Tell me that im not gay or some shit and thay these doubtings and thoughts go away and will not bother me again

Im just desperate to get my life back and have great future.

 

Thanks for replying.

Im already on my day 2 of nofap. I lnow about your brain on porn i just mentioned it as YBOP.

So you overcame hocd?

Another thing is some people are saying that nofap is dangerous. Idk why but some say that it can make you asexual or some shit or give you other health problems. I know about withdrawals but is it right?

 

My streaks were pretty bad too. I guess chaser effect got me and it was like 1 day or 2 day streaks. Im on my 2 days hardmode and trying to get first ad 4 days and then I'll increase my goals again. Same goes for me about tastes reversing but i need more time. My maximum streak was 12 days and at that time i relapsed cuz of fucking twitter. Then i relapsed and relapsed again and again till i got back to zero and these fucking fetishes. This might help i guess you can listen to it.

Oh sorry I can't put links down here so you can search in YouTube about mark queppet and mostly he has link in description about pmo addiction. Search it it will help you