PIED. FEAR AND CHILDHOOD.

When I was about twelve I discovered my brother's porn stash. I think this was probably about the same time I fapped for the first time to my sister's clothing catalogues which had a lingerie section. My childhood was pretty messed up. Alcho, violent dad. Battered mum. Bullied, because I had no concept of standing up for myself(something so overlooked in damaged kids. Nobody told me I was worth more than being bullied. I thought I deserved it). I was a funny, good looking kid, so girls seemed to like me, and boy did I like them. Kissing became my favourite pastime. But quite early on I suffered my first case of ED. The mind I have grabs those little negatives and stores them away like nuts in winter. Everytime I ended up in bed with a woman, that bag of bad memories was taken out and Mr Squirrel wouldn't come out to play. This became an obsession. Cute girls would show interest, and I would avoid the situation. Who wants to be humiliated? Porn was so much friendlier. The girls on there didn't mind that I couldn't maintain an erection because of fapping and fear. They were always kind to my predicament. But I knew I was losing out. I love company. I love female company. On one or two occasions I felt really comfortable with a woman and we had great, fun sex. But when that relationship ended, instead of maintaining a positive sexual energy, I fell back into porn.
Then paying for sex became my way of dealing with my fear. I rarely failed to get erect with a professional lady. There was no big obligation. I was there to scratch an addiction - just like porn. My mind would think, "why can't I date a girl like that?" Because the experience is fake, you idiot. In the words of Chomsky, its manufactured concent.
So, I'm now fifty. I still struggle with porn. I have had two ninety day streaks this year off my own bat - or probably Hurley stick as we'd say in Ireland.
Another problem that I think porn fucks up for us is our sexual proclivities. I have had ''fetishes" and turn ons long before porn. Then porn came into my life and pronounced those little niches and "kinks". I can feel guilty about them. For me, after ninety days porn and fap free, I was still turned on by my niches; which proved to me that they are just part of my sexuality, and not something implanted by Pornhub.
Love
Darren

 

Not great. Although I havent really asserted myself. I had a good healthy sexlife to start with. My kinks was always leather boots. Who knows why. Then I found porn, and all those fantasies were fulfilled in pictures and pixels. My ED started in my mid twenties. Then I found hookers and dominatrixes. I dont think I have a true sub side - I was bullied a lot in school. (Bullies hate smart, good looking kids). I went to Doms for the fantasy. They wore the clothes that turned me on.
Now I'm fifty. Married. No sexlife. We just dont find eachother attractive anymore. That could be a lie. I still struggle with my fantasies. I had an affair last year and it was really good. I feel shame over it. But the sex was great. Girl was into my fantasies as much as I was and it was just good to feel alive again. I'm sorry I cheated on my wife, but Christ it was good to just feel sexy again and hold somebody who found you sexy and wasnt turned off by your turn ons. I just need to remain away from porn and excess fantasy. Porn just turned me into one of those guys who looks at every girl in the street in a porn induced setting. It wasnt funny, and it wasnt comfortable. It gets really frustrating.
Thanks for asking.
How are you doing.