Pathetic.

I feel pathetic. I have barely any friends and I don’t really understand why people would like me. I add nothing to anyones lives. I also feel like a fucking fake or fraud. I talk about the things I’m into a lot and it probably looks like I’m better at them than I actually am. I sink hours into things because I like them and admire them just to see how shit I really am. I put so much importance on these things as well. Nothing interesting is happening in my life. I feel like I’m just waiting for something to happen.

I’ve got 2 friends and I don’t even know how much they value me. They don’t know the real sad pathetic side to me either. It honestly feels like I’m a liar. I’ve got no sense of real confidence or strength either. I’m fucking pathetic. I want to say I’m nice but I know I’m just a push over with nothing to him. Nothing at all.

What should I do to change?

 

Thanks for the reply.

I think I’d want to paint a full picture of myself. I know that I’m not all bad but I also know of how bad I can be.
I’d tell them:
•About how I’m a complete push over. People may think I’m just moral which isn’t so true. I practically just do what I’m told. In an argument I sulk away like a little pussy. I literally have had feuds with ppl where I argue a bit, try and get away and when I do have thoughts of doing extremely violent things to them I could never imagine actually doing with the weak feeble body and mind I have. I’m a completely social reject. I’ll try and be funny or entertaining to someone and just realise that’s something I just can’t do. I can’t even truly express myself. I don’t have any real potential with women either. I can barely get a conversation really going.
•I’d tell them about where I am sexually. I’ve struggled with my sexuality my whole life and turned away from it by developing fetishes to porn. I’m not gay but I’ve basically already liked the idea of having fairly feminine relationships. I don’t personally see anything wrong with this or dislike myself for it but I know that it just wouldn’t be realistic and wouldn’t happen.
•I’d tell them about how on the inside despite being quiet I fucking crave attention and dream for it
•I’d tell them about how I dreamt up some inflated ego to stop myself from hating myself and desperately changing
•I’d tell them about how I’m not half as good at the things I love doing and admire as they would think.
•I’d tell them about how I’m selfish and don’t really do much to ever really help people

I’m not some complete asshole. I’m respectful and polite to others and I have personality traits I would personally admire in myself but there’s also a hell of a lot up with me and it’s about time I address it.

 

Thanks for the reply I appreciate it.

I feel like I’ve sort of dipped in and out of unrealistically high self esteem and low self esteem a lot. Whilst it’s good to be self aware, I feel like it’s crushing sometimes and you focus too much on negatives whilst ironically doing very little about them.