Past actions haunting me to nearly killing myself

Hey bud. Your porn use escalated and your attraction palette got completely thrown off. It happens to a lot of us. Search these forums and you’ll find guys who have done what you’ve done, something similar, or something worse. These were just fantasies, fantasies fueled by the porn you were consuming. Stop using all porn, quit social media, and give it more time. I’m sure you will notice a huge difference in what you desire.

As far as your flatline goes, I can’t speak to experience, but I can tell you that it’s very common. I’ve also read that it’s very temporary. I would suggest the same as above: quit porn, give it time. If you stick to recovery, you will notice improvements in your sexual health. Simple as that.

Life is full of beauty. Once you quit porn, you’ll notice everywhere. The light that shines within you truly will be released to shine all around you. You’ll feel like a new person. I wish you luck! Welcome!

 

I would agree that you are not ready for a relationship right now. You are literally ending a “relationship” with porn. You need to focus on yourself. Find hobbies that you’ve neglected, engage in some kind of social activity, learn about others without viewing them through the lens of porn. When your family pressures you to marry, be upfront and tell them that you’re working on yourself so that you can meet the right person. They don’t need to know what you’re going through to know that you’re going through some stuff.

I would say again: the flatline should pass with time. Don’t be surprised if your libido never returns to pre-flatline levels. Porn likely atificially increased your libido. A natural libido feels more subtle, not as intense. Usually, another person ignites it, not a situation. Porn causes us to have heightened libidos because “sexual partners” are everywhere. Once you change that environment, your natural biology will take back over, which might feel different. It doesn’t mean that it’s gone, or that you should be worried. You just need to learn what truly turns it on.

 

Try and firstly allow yourself to take a deep breath in this very moment and calm. You are NOT your thoughts. They may tell you that you’re not worth it or beyond repair but that is not true. You are not your feelings either. You are who you decide to be. Your actions are the one thing you can control right in this moment. You’re doing the right step by being vulnerable. Many of us struggle doing just that. I can tell you first hand I’ve had the very same run in with incest porn and fantasy so I know it’s confusing. Think of it this way, the fact that you’re disturbed is just your brains way of telling you you’re perfectly normal and are at odds with these thoughts and actions(porn). Remember it’s an addiction, it only wants to gratify the novelty, the anxiety, the dopamine hit. It doesn’t care how deprived we think a thought or subject is. BUT, you are not your thoughts. I’ve dealt with many intrusive thoughts and still do from time to time but you have to compassion with yourself. You have to see in this very moment that you are loved by someone. You are loved and accepted by God right where you! Exactly as you are. Weather you believe that or not. You are accepted by this community as you are. This takes time. Take the pressure of yourself to change overnight or else face the edge. It takes time. Day by day. One step forward. Sometimes one step back, but we keep moving forward. Try and smile even if you don’t feel it, and take a deep breath, and have a little compassion for YOU. You deserve it! You’ve come this far. Meditate or pray. These two things will help you calm so that you can forgive yourself little by little. When your emotional brain is going off and you’re ruminating about why you’re upset with yourself, try involving your logical brain by writing your thoughts down. Read them out aloud and don’t think too much about them, just read them out and be still. Don’t try and solve the all or nothing thinking just let it out. This engages our logical brain and helps balance us out a little. You need to be able to love yourself first before you can take on the world. If you feel like you can’t love yourself yet just try having a little compassion for you. Even when you don’t feel it, say I forgive myself. We’re not always gonna line up with how we feel. As you gain some confidence back you’ll be able to forgive you and not hold everything over your own head. The past does NOT matter. The future is out of our control. The only thing that matters is this moment. You CAN do it! I promise! I’ve been in a rough spot with these type of thoughts. Sorry this was so long.

 

One added thought. When I was going through my rough patch I was dating my now wife. My mom would tell me to marry her all the time and it would make me angry and I’d get upset with her. I only got upset because I didn’t think I was worthy. Similar to your thought patterns, I was mortified half the time by my hidden porn life that I was hesitant to marry her because I didn’t want to hurt her and didn’t trust myself. Your thoughts are perfectly normal for what you’ve went through your whole life. I’ll tell you what though, today I’m married to her and she’s the most understanding loving woman I know. You are not abnormal or beyond fixing. When those thoughts creep up when your parents tell you to marry just know that’s fear. It’s also normal. You know what really helped me when I was afraid to ask my wife to marry me? Even though I had tons of issues, was dealing with porn and all sorts of fantasies that I viewed as morbid, and was dealing with ocd, I said I love her and I’m gonna marry her anyway. When those fearful thoughts creep in and say, you can’t be happy, you don’t deserve it, or you can’t fantasize about a normal romance with all the things you’ve thought, do exactly that. Do what the fear tells you that you can’t. It’s not easy and won’t work every time but it’ll show you that those thoughts won’t have a hold on you forever.

 

Don't even think about that bro. That's the most selfish thing you can do. You are important to your family and all of us. Im 34 and going through the exact same things you are. This is a slow process and I'm wrapping my head around that. One day at a time. You are heading in the right direction. Yeah I want to snap my fingers and be over this too but it doesn't work like that. Stay focused. Stay disciplined. Things will get better. You have to work on yourself. Then others will see something attractive in you.

 

I am also 34. We are in a fairly similar situation, but not exactly the same. The thing that helped me the most was learning about toxic shame and how to remove it with hypnosis. You likely have a lot of it to run towards porn so deeply.

Now that I have this tool it is hard not to bring it up to people!

Also if you are going bald and it isn't too far gone you can probably go on finasteride which will stop, or at least slow the balding.

 

As long as you have this very moment, you have something to live for. The past is a lie. It is over and was over a year ago, a month ago, a week, and even thirty seconds ago. It’s in the past and gone. Is it still in your brain? Of course, we still live with what we’ve done but that doesn’t have to define us going forward. In fact, as time moves on and you start taking steps in the direction of self compassion, self forgiveness, seeing yourself how God does, these memories will start to fade and when they do resurface the pain will be so little to almost completely gone. Trust me, I’ve been in so many different genres and sexualized so many people in my mind both compulsively and sexually, but I know that’s not who I am. You ARE whoever you want to be going forward. And when you fail, because we all do, that doesn’t make you a failure, you just pick back up where you left off, and that’s moving forward. These feelings and thoughts aren’t going to go away overnight but that’s also good for you, and why? Because now you can take the pressure off of yourself to heal so quickly and experience quick results. The important part is, you get to grow from here on out, for the rest of your life. How bitchin is that? First step you gotta take is have a little gratitude for YOU! Wake up each morning, and think of 5 things you’re thankful for. It’s not a cure, but it changes you slowly, you’ll see. The next most important thing? Do the things YOU value. Porn has a way of making us forget about what once brought us joy and happiness, but they’re there. Spend time with family, friends, talk with a stranger. Play a video game you like, watch your favorite shows. What goals do you have? If none yet? That’s ok too. Over time when you allow yourself to move past porn as your primary source of dopamine, you’ll start enjoying the little things more again. Be patient with you. It may not change in a day, a week, a month, or a year, but you’ll always slowly start to change as long as you keep moving forward despite what negative thoughts you might get. An example can look like, you get invited to a family event and you think,”I’m depressed right now, I’d rather stay in, seeing my family only makes me anxious”, what you do then is you GO to that event. You go and say, maybe, maybe not, but I’m gonna go enjoy this time with my family. Do the things that bring connections to the world away from porn. Family, friends, nature, go outside, excersize Every day, pray. You can do it. You can handle it. Despite what your mind has told you, look how far you’ve come. You’re tougher than you think.

 

It's a DHT blocker that stops you from losing hair (although there is a shed for quite a few months)