Partner Still Responds With Anger Everytime We Discuss His Addiction

Okay totally understand. Some partners may not want to discuss it that much and that's why I said you do need to ask your partner what she needs to heal. You mention that she says it reopens wounds for you. So it makes me wonder how do you react when she brings it up? Do you get upset? Are you sad? Do you say things like "I am a horrible person?" I ask this because the nature of women is to nurture, put themselves second, and blame themselves even when it's clearly not their fault. If I see my partner in pain I want to fix it or make it stop often placing my feelings on the back burner. I did that for far too long in my situation. Could it be that she does not feel she has space to feel and discuss her own pain because you both are so focused on yours?

Addicts in early recovery usually have very little emotional support to give anyone else because it's all being used up fighting to recover. Of course it's possible she is so hurt and in shock about your addiction that denial is her defense. The problem being that eventually people come out of denial and are 100 times angrier. You can't force her to talk or read NoFap. All you can do is create an open space for her to come to you. Let her be in control and guide it. You can't ask her to play the therapist role. And that's what got frustrating to me. I don't want to spend so much time figuring out what and why etc. I think you would do well to get some counseling and talk to the men on here rather than discussing it with her so much. It could of course be that she has just given up and does not care. Some SO get to that point. But I suspect that's not the case. I think she sees the pain you are in and wants to make it stop.

As far as my situation you may very well be correct. I can objectively explain almost all of my partners behavior. Different people deal with things differently. But the key is that it needs to be the SO who decides what he or she needs to recover not the other way around. As I said above this is not an equal playing field. I use to say to my fiancé you have no dog in this fight so stop trying to argue with me. In most cases when a couple argues both sides need to give and compromise equally. But when there is serious betrayal on the part of one of the two that equally playing field no longer exists. Im not saying this is you as it does not seem to be the case but many addicts chose ego over their partner and see this as a battle that they must win or at least have something to hang their hat on. You have to truly be willing to let that all go and focus on what she needs. I think that's extremely difficult for an addict in recovery to do. That's not always because they don't want to but because they just are not in the emotional state to do that. Try not to focus on what you need from her and rather focus on what she needs from you. So saying things like you need to talk about it with her or you need her to go on NoFap is focusing on you rather than her. Focus on removing I and me when you speak to her and say you instead. My partner was all I I I, me me me, I want I need you need to not do that. Not all addicts but many are incredibly selfish people who lack insight into others perspectives and feelings. Once in recovery they see they are like this and want to fix it but don't know how. It's often not an innate response. The best advice I can give you is before you do anything ask yourself how it is going to make your partner feel? Rely on things she's told you in the past. Think about how others may react differently than you would. If you are not sure how she will feel ask her or don't do it. Again with my Partner he has one view of the world and expects that everyone else subscribe to it. So if what he did would not hurt him it should not hurt me end of story. Often times he would think he was putting me first but when we broke it down he actually was not. I think part of that is because he had never put anyone first and so even doing the just a little bit was huge process for him but nothing to me.

I have always thought about how my actions effect others before acting or speaking it's innate or automatic for me. So when it's not it's very hard to learn. There's a difference between knowing what you are doing will hurt a person and still doing it and not knowing because you never stopped to evaluate how it might effect the person. But both hurt the SO equally. For an addict It's like someone gives you a script you have never read before to play a person very far removed from who you are. Addicts end up where they are in most cases because they don't think about how their actions effect others so this is a huge struggle and part of recovery not often focused on. Good luck to you and your partner.