Partner downloading but not viewing. Advice needed please

Hello all,
My boyfriend has been using P since his teen years and has spent the last 2 1/2 years in and out of recovery (mostly out). In May he decided to re-boot after I discovered another relapse. He was binge viewing and downloading. He started a reboot which lasted 59 days. His initial reboot back in 2017 was 120 days. We had an argument which triggered an emotional spiral. It's quite evident he's suffering with depression and has been for many years. His latest 59 day reboot was going quite well, he was certain he wanted to recover and deleted a vast quantity of P. However since his last relapse he has lost all faith and is very fearful of failure. He has even told me he doesn't feel capable of giving up P now which is a shock considering he has tried previously. I'm confused because he has viewed P since then but is mostly downloading, not viewing. He turns internet images off and downloads. Storing but not viewing? Having trouble letting go?
I don't really know what to do, has anybody experienced this type of behavior before?
I'm not sure whether to move on, I've tried to support him but our relationship has taken a big knock. He is being truthful now, which took 2 years. I'm very grateful for this honesty but he now doesn't seem to know whether the wants to quit anymore. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated! Anything I can even pass onto him, he seems so lost! Thank you!

 

Hello, thank you for reply. He's not actually on NoFap. He is very private and has not reached out to others yet, I'm not sure if he ever will. Thank again.

 

Yeah, we have considered that. He is the same with music and games. I thought it may be a hording issue? But I've no idea where to start with that, especially alongside an addiction! I always assumed 'collecting' happened alongside the addiction itself, I may be wrong. To answer your other question. It's videos, he always muted videos when using anyway, he doesn't like the sounds and he's doesn't even get aroused when viewing anymore, unless he is alone at home and M but this has only happened twice over 18 months. So he seems to be downloading without any visuals and just storing. Doesn't really watch them much anymore, only occasionally. I considered it may be a way to pacify the compulsion but without actually seeing anything. Although he does still consider this behavior as 'using'. Thank you for your reply, I hope mine sheds some light.

 

Well, he's using his work computer to do it. Full access. He has a mobile without internet and his laptop has parental controls. All his choice, to give him an initial break while he rebooted and found some strength. His work computer cannot be avoided, the addiction used to be localized to home and some mobile use. Since I moved in 2 years ago, the addiction has become far worse and spread to other ares of his life, dangerous.
Thank you, I threw the name together really. I was born on the coast, i.e Salt (love the sea) and my name means 'bringer of light' - however it was my local church which game me the idea - I just personalized it, so yeah it's special!

 

Thank you very much!

 

Yeah I imagine this is the case. It didn't really occur to me until recently. Thank you for the advice, much appreciated!

 

Yeah I think this may be an issue for him, or maybe any addict who fears commitment to recovery. He's always collected when using P but during his last reboot there was none of that. I think he knows he needs to recover, whether he wants to anymore is also up for debate, so I think perhaps he is clinging on during his indecision? I find it odd, being neither in or out. This is not good for me, I'm living in limbo with no idea whether to stay or go. My thoughts....'Is this a bad patch?', 'Will he attempt another recovery?'. I feel it's all up in the air.

 

I agree with boundaries, but part of the issue is our relationship has become...difficult, communication wise. I've only been getting truthful answers for a couple of months. I've made mistakes too, I must admit. I feel if I lay too many consequences at this stage he may start lying again out of shame and fear. Very awkward situation! I'm currently attempting to bring balance back to our relationship too, so he feels safe and secure. He's only just got the courage to not cross the lying boundary. I can sense a tipping point. I think it feels worse for me because he's attempted reboots before and I can see hope yet he cannot because he is consumed.

 

Hum, I understand the boundaries. But I'm not very good with consequences part. Any suggestions please? I never know if I'm being too tough or not respectful of myself enough. He knows I will eventually leave, I guess..but that's not a present danger. And I guess humans deal with present dangers/problems right?