P.A.W.S. - what are they, cure, duration

hey guys today was again very strange and I still have it… Today I experienced the same stuff like last time when I said that I don‘t fit anymore here in this community and that I hear sounds better and so on. Then some days later it went away and I came back to this forum and said that I was to hasty about writing such stuff and that I am still in the flatline.

Now since today I have this feeling again. I feel desire and I‘m still at work right now. Just taking a break. I was so good at work. I felt enjoyment, pleasure while working. I felt enjoyment driving the car from the company and I drove aggressively and better than even before. My focus is better. I am quicker in thinking and so on. I feel good.

I don‘t know if it will stay like this or if it will go away again, but it‘s a very special feeling.

I‘m speaking better. I see more things and so on. I feel much more in the moment. In the present.

I don‘t know if it was because I slept today more than 4 hours…

Oh man I reallx wish it will stay like this and will not go away like last time. And i don‘t know if last time when it went away, maybe stress because new job was the reason, I really don‘t know.

Normally I write everything with google translator and today I wrote everything without it.

If it stays like this then my flatline will be „easy“. Work feels easy with this condition now.

I give my best to not lose it. I will try to avoid wet dreams and try to sleep good. I really don‘t wanna lose this feeling.

Oh God please let it stay like this from now on.

 

Guys what I am describing are not even superpowers or so. It‘s just a massive lift of anhedonia. I really don‘t wanna lose it. I am scared of losing it.

Work is easy. Imagine… With the fking severe flatline work is like fking torture.

Man. Imagine guys. After the flatline. wtf. When the anhedonia lifts completely. just imagine!!!! Oh man.

 

Less overthinking. More present. It feels like I am now really here in this room.

 

Maybe some days later I will come back again like last time and I will write again that I was to euphoric and hasty while writing this stuff here…

Ok. It‘s enough haha. Just don‘t ejaculate and you will have a wonderful life you fuckers xD

 

I am day 149 hardmode no sex no PMO no fantasy no euphoric recall

Today went well meaning No serious lust temptations. I spoke with a bunch of guys in recovery. Tomorrow I will have an unexpected day off from work. The evening ended in a Slight depressive state. I could not muster the power to go outside for a walk tonight. I will try and go to sleep early.
The light depression is likely due to sleep deficit more than PAWS

40 years old male. 20+ years of heavy porn use, and almost 30 years of compulsive masturbation

 

When it goes away then life especially work will be hard again.

 

I don‘t know if I lost it last time just because it was like a window or if I lost it because I didn‘t sleep enough and I had a lot of stress because of new job.

haha I know I‘m repeating myself but I just had to tell it off my chest

 

You are really changing for the better ! Keep me posted. Your recovery is also important to me.

 

These are windows, I have been experiencing them since the very beginning of the restoration, each time brighter and longer, more intense… It's like a transitional phase.
How do I understand that these are windows, and not a full recovery?
In the windows, you feel about 70-80% of your normal state, but you realize that there is some percentage of paws. They come and go more and more often. In my experience, it doesn't depend on sleep, stress. So don't worry that you might break something. I remember not sleeping for many hours and my windows started anyway.

 

Man you're really feeling yourself, i can tell by your messages hahaha. Really happy for you mate, just enjoy, don't worry about the feeling going away, eventually, this will be our permanent state, actually it'll be better than this. Cheers, wishing you luck, keep us posted!

 

@Experiment1996 , besides work, did you change anything with your daily routine ?

 

I am at 150 days today no PMO and no sex

There was a slight depressed state last night after coming home from work. I spent 3 hours looking at videos on YouTube (not toxic) and on recovery forums. I went to sleep early. I attribute this depressed state to the PAWS

 

Hey guys.

That feeling from yesterday is gone. I'm now back to classic flatline with all the annoying symptoms. Yesterday I was looking left and right with my eyes at people, cars, etc. Today I went for a walk and I wasn't interested in what was going on to the left and right. I just looked ahead. That's anhedonia.

I don't know what to do anymore. The last few days have been particularly hard. I don't know if it's because I'm more stressed now because of my new job or if I'm just fed up with the flatline. I can't get any further in life. I'm in a hole and the negativity is overwhelming me. The last 4 years have scarred me.

Perhaps antidepressants are the last hope for me. I know I've had a lot of improvement over the last few months (PAWS-reductions) but I still don't feel good. Who would have thought that? Experiment1996 is considering taking antidepressants. I was the one who always said only time and abstinence leads to recovery. I was the one who always said that the brain and body recover naturally on their own. I was the one who always said that we simply have a chemical imbalance.

I still think it's chemical imbalance in the brain, but I'm sick of it. 4 years and I still have anhedonia. The day from yesterday to today and the other days has shown me the difference. Someone who doesn't have anhedonia enjoys living.

The last time I felt this bad was in month 43 when I was also working and had a lot of stress and I was full of negativity. That led to my 5 MO relapses. It won't happen this time, but I think it's because of the work, or the stress, that I feel like this.

My brain is not receiving any stimuli. I went for a walk today, was on the bus with all the people, watched people talking, laughing, doing sports, etc., but my brain doesn't care. So it doesn't feel any pleasure or joy.

Some of the things I write here are just to get attention. I need to write something and hear something from you to stay motivated. I am always happy when I see that I have received a notification. Then I can really say that I feel joy

Things that bring me joy during my anhedonia: notifications, good food and a good bowel movement. Yes, I enjoy a good bowel movement. It sounds funny, but when you have anhedonia, you enjoy a good bowel movement. xD

Back to before. Yes, the brain doesn't feel sensations. I'm emotionally numb when it comes to good emotions. When I feel something it's usually negative emotions like sadness, anger, pain and it feels like I'm about to cry even though most of the time I can't cry.

I get up every day and feel a kind of sadness inside me, even though nothing has happened. There is no reason for it.

I already felt these negative emotions during my PMO time, but during abstinence these negative emotions are different, more intense.

I had these negative emotions for years during my PMO time, but now during abstinence I have them too. They just never seem to go away.

I've told you before that I started PMO when I was 13 and within a week my personality changed. Suddenly I went to school and had anhedonia, brain fog and social anxiety. I could no longer concentrate on what the teacher was teaching, I could no longer talk to my classmates, I had no interest in my school friends. I no longer talked to them. I became quiet and introverted. I neglected my hobbies. Almost everything became boring. Life was boring. And despite this state at 13, I continued doing PMO until I was 22, 10 years. You have to imagine. I was plagued with anhedonia, brain fog and social anxiety for 10 years. And I've now been abstinent for 49 months. It's quite possible that it will even take me 7 or 8 years for the anhedonia to really go away and I can say I'm fine.

10 years of anhedonia, brain fog and social anxiety from age 13-22.

4 years of abstinence from age 23-27 and I still have anhedonia, brain fog and social anxiety.

I got these symptoms at a very young age. It's quite possible that it will take me a really long time to heal.

I would be interested to know if you also got these symptoms when you started PMO or if you got these symptoms when you stopped with PMO?

I have now written everything from my gut and translated this text. I don't know if you also use this proverb.

I was always a very sensitive boy. Maybe that's why PMO had such a strong effect on me. Maybe my brain and body are just more sensitive. I never had any desire for drugs, alcohol etc., but I loved PMO! It was my super drug.

A lot of text I know. But well. Would love to hear your opinion.

Your dear friend, Experiment1996.

 

My story is exactly like yours, I also started at the age of 13 and plunged into anhedonia and depression, anxiety. And I quit at 23. I have already been using the hard mode for 2 years and I see advantages that I have never had before. My dick is getting big and wet dreams hardly bother me. Please do not take antidepressants. You already see frequent paw contractions and windows of good days. Don't ruin your recovery. You've been through a lot already.

 

I don't see what's wrong with trying anti depressants. The meds really can help sometimes. If it wasn't for my psych medicine I'd probably be really addicted again (because of my mental state). Also recently I relapsed because of instability. It's not good to tell people to not try something when they really need it. There are people who's lives were changed from the meds. And another thing is when you're out of paws withdrawal from anti depressants shouldn't be too long. It's a necessity for some and may help prevent things like suicide, suicidal thoughts, and depression. Oh and they also work for low energy!

 

A person has the biggest changes in recent months than in the last 4 years, which indicates that there is not much left. And if he didn't have frequent contractions of his paws and everything would be like in 1 year - then yes. But here we see a positive trend and the appearance of windows (good days). Which previously did not exist at all in 4 years.