Out of porn, so far so good, but at a tuff price

Hello everybody,

Second post on this forum and this is my story out of porn. I hope that you excuse my bad, not native, English.... I’m 48 years old porn addict that been watching porn since I was an early teenager. In the beginning, it was magazines (sometimes from my father’s drawer), and occasionally a VHS. The use of porn was under some control, maybe because of the problem finding porn, maybe I wasn’t hooked up as much as later in life. Porn was my first encounter with sex, naked ladies and guys in magazines and me getting horny, masturbating. As a teenager, I was a Shy guy, with problems taking and giving attention from others, primary girls, whom I adored from distance. I always felt that relations to women, girls where accompanied with a lot of anxiety. So rather trying to date girls, I found myself fantasizing about these girls, masturbating, and sometimes masturbating to porn fantasizing it being a real girl. Maybe my relationship to porn started out as curiosity for sex in general, but my insecure, avoidant personality gave way for a porn overdose, with the “secure” women in porn, messing up my view on intimacy and sex between men and women. As years went by, I found internet porn in the mid 90s, and where the pornhabit should have ended with more maturity and more grown up relationships I continued looking for porn in larger doses. As a mid-20 to early 30 guy still finding relations to women difficult I found myself taking the easy way out more often. Why bother with demanding women, when easy and controllable women where just a few click away. Though leaving me with a bad taste, feeling bad and shame I continued to seek these women out. In my relationships, I was always found myself a bit distant, feeling that my girlfriends were demanding, and a feeling of not being good enough for them. In the bed, having sex I had trouble staying hard. I seldom had an orgasm during intercourse.
Now, the last 10-15 years, on high-speed internet and more easily available porn, the habit became even more an addiction, a surfed porn several times a week. At home, at work or in any other place when the urge was on. I did it when I felt bad, bored, or was triggered by sexual thoughts, fantasies of my wife, or, I suppose, other women on pics or in reality. I always knew that satisfaction was around the corner, but at a Cost, a cost that I was willing to pay it seemed. The cost was always there, immediately after the orgasm, and some time after. The shameful feelings of being bad, social fobic feelings, I
experienced that people could see that I had been surfing porn, that I was bad, and having a feeling of having a thin layer of grease over my skin. Feelings that made it even harder to meet a partner, or my partner in a mutual relationship. I always felt a bit odd, not good enough, or that that where something about me that my partner would find out about, and then leave me. And there was, wasn’t it? The porn, shame, and low self-value made me hide just showing a facade of myself. I didn´t let anyone close, hiding in the shadows, behind the façade and lies about my porn use, and other lies of more or less serious things. I met the love of my life 13 years ago, my loved and wonderful wife. We had a blistering romance with lots of positive feelings and sex. The sex with her I found different, I found myself having orgasms much easier compared with earlier girlfriends, but still, I continued to watch porn. Maybe I had a short paus of seeking out women on porn-sites, but to be honest I think it was just for a brief period. Surfing porn in secrecy hiding myself behind lies and my façade of an empty face, I soon felt that sex with my loved wife became demanding. I refused to let her in, let me feel loved, and her feeling loved. She always thought that there was something strange going on in our relationship. We still had good sex, ones a week, maybe once every second week, after the initial negative expectation of demand had been questioned I could enjoy myself in the act. Sadly it didn´t matter, my porn addiction led even more distance and I found myself giving rational statements on how my libido was low, I was tired etc. When we had our second child she “caught” me having porn on her computer, it was a crisis but she gave a second chance with a ultimatum that she won’t accept porn in our relationship. I agreed but soon continued my life as a liar and a porn addict. As mentioned earlier my addiction got worse with mobile devices and I could get my fix everywhere, anytime. I read somewhere in this forum, somebody said, that watching porn is not really to cheat on your partner. It’s not real flesh and blood, not a real relationship, just pixels on a screen. That kind of rational statement sound like me 90 days to 15 years back. My wife always wanted to have as much sex as I surfed porn, so my porn addiction, and my relationship to porn, robbed her from sex and intimacy with me, and further I robbed her of the time she spends with me thinking I was somebody else, trusting me. And moreover, me rejecting her invitations to intimacy, and her experience negative emotions about herself coupled to that rejection. Not once, but many, many times. It’s not a real relationship, yeah right, tell that to my wife and any other spouse to a porn addict. They are flesh and blood, humans with feelings that try to connect with you/ me. I left my wife in the dirt for 13 years. She wanting to get close, wanted to feel loved, by me. I rejected that wish. It hurts me so when I think about this, what evil I have done. I want to beg of forgiveness, but as I see it I’ve came to a full circle. I rejected the one I love and the love of her just to fulfill my inner tragic and paranoid world. "nobody wants me"

My beautiful, and sexy wife caught me the second time in Mars earlier this year. Over the last two or so years my addiction had became more and more questioned by myself. I felt disgusted by the situation young women participating in the films where in. I had hard time fooling myself in masturbating, the reality where closing in. The filth of the porn industry crept on to me more and more, so it almost felt a release when my wife confronted me. I quit porn that day in Mars. I must say it wasn’t hard quitting porn, so far anyway, but the work with myself in relation to my wife has been tough. Lots of strong feelings, anger, sorrow, shame, and guilt. Late nights with discussions in to the early mornings, with kids asleep. Me tired, and my wife even more so. Kids wondering what’s going on.

My wife has been a tremendous support, sending links, finding this forum, books and more. I know that that should be me, and me being an agent for my own problem. No agency now change. Anyway, me reading, staying away from porn, and working on my avoidant personality and questioning my beliefs about our relationship. Being more spontaneous, taking more initiative, being more transparent, sincere and more loving. All in all, everything has gone good. I felt way more intimate, both sexual, and in “comradeship” than ever and my wife has responded with more positive feelings towards me and slowly started to trust me. Last weekend it felt very good. We both felt close, intimate and loving. I felt more love than ever, and she said that she felt that she trusted me, that she could see future.

That closeness seemed to trigger a lot of mixed feeling. I’m on holiday, and my wife at work me not sending a single message in two days, which triggered a Crisis. We are both very fragile, and it don´t take much to feel strong feelings of rejection, anger, sorrow, and more.

This was written 4 weeks ago, and the battle continue. I still try to take steps to more intimacy, but I find myself easily frustrated and having a hard time keeping my hopes up. Its hard to overcome automatic responses based on inner negative and
unconscious relational models. How can we overcome this? I don`t know? I think my wife deserves better than me, and maybe I´m not the man she wants, when the facade has fallen.

Thanx for all your storys. They have been very supportive and giving hope in the darkest hours.
Hopefully I will post a follow up with info and theory, but Im not very fast.

Keep the faith!

 

Hi Wrestler and thanx for reading and commenting on my post Many good questions, which are not easy to answer. Here are some thoughts though.
My plan is to begin psychotherapy. I want to work my problems with intimacy which I think is fueled by my strong feeling of shame towards myself. A feeling of not being good enough for anyone. Beyond this shame, I suppose there is feelings of fear and anger, maybe sorrow and guilt towards the ones that I love, and feels that Im being rejected by. Feelings that belong to my childhood, and towards my parents, but are "projected" to other people that are knocking on "my wall".
The shameful me, hides, and makes little lies to cover up even the smallest shameful things. I take cover and doesn't trust anyone. I doesn't show my true self and therefore I don't get close to anyone. I feel very alone at times and at same time I leave the people that love me alone.
I´m making progress, but the shameful me is on autopilot in more sensitive situations and keeps putting me in awkward situations. One of my goals is to be honest about myself in every situation. I need that to be true to my self and others, friends, wife and children and I'm convinced that I need help to get further.
I Cant prevent those feelings to happening again, but I need to be able to handle them better.