Opening yourself up to girls without approaching them.

@Dares Greeneye replied on a thread in the “Abstinence, Retention, and Sexual Transmutation” section titled “ Shut out/down a girl at the gym...” on May 12th, 2022.

He was talking about staying on semen retention and not engaging with women for the sake of ogling them, but instead making 2 seconds of eye contact to open the “window of opportunity” so that if they want to open conversation, they can. At the time he was looking for other ways to open the “window” so to say. Without looking at them directly.

Personally, the way I do things is I take initiative and open conversation myself. I usually crack a joke, get them to laugh, and laugh myself to loosen any tension. I usually don’t think about ways of showing openness outside literally engaging by way of taking the initiative and starting a conversation. Recently I’ve tried making eye contact and smiling at people I’m passing while taking a walk, but usually I’m deep in thought or deep in my music and just sort of avoid them.

I was curious if you had any advice or found some better or other ways. Could you note any experiences that come to mind where you made eye contact for 2 seconds and something happened? If so, that seems like a very easy habit I can ingrain in my life that could help me tons.

Part of why I’ve been PMOing recently is because as I’ve turned 20, I’m worried about missing out on relationships. I’m worried another 5 years will pass and I’ll be alone, or that there won’t be any girls worth being with around. After 100+ days of no PMO, I installed Reddit and started scouring these AskRedditAfterDark threads to learn about people’s relationship experiences. From there I spiraled and found these r4r casual relationship subreddits and relapsed there. Since then I went to those r4r subreddits a few times and even tried using different dating apps in different ways with different rules for myself. I would still say “okay, after 100 days I’ll reward myself by asking out a girl I like.” I’ve finally decided that dating apps are just softcore porn. They reignite the same dopamine pathways for me that fire up when I’m on a porn site. I haven’t peeked once and I fight the urge to fantasize as it comes up. I’ve been focused on getting shit done and self-improvement a whole lot recently. Increases in confidence, pride, and self-worth. I’m shooting for 30 days right now, but I promise you I’ll hit a 100 again before you know it.

But again, if instead of telling myself “at X milestone I’ll go out and engage with girls because otherwise I’m missing out and shutting myself out from a whole lot of opportunities.” I think it would be much better for my mental state in this journey if there were subtle things I could do that allow a girl to open up conversation with me. Once that habit is ingrained in me, it takes the burden off my shoulders and allows me to focus on semen retention. All while allowing any girl who has interest to strike a conversation without fearing me due to a stern demeanor. I’m brown so not only is my face a little stern when I’m not smiling, but there’s also a deep rooted mysogony associated with my people’s culture which I hate.

I think I can get by and get rid of the belief that I’m closing myself off from relationship opportunities, and make myself less shy in general if I begin to just make eye contact for 2 seconds and smile at girls before getting back to what I’m doing so they at least have the chance to engage with me. And so I can more easily focus on the tasks in front of me, instead of hyperfocusing on how to make this girl like me and like being around me.

Anyway, I’d love to hear @Dares Greeneye or anyone else’s thoughts on this. How can you open a window of opportunity without compromising yourself? Or if you’d instead just open actual conversation when you’re interested in a girl how would you do that? Or if you focus on semen retention or sexual transmutation (the latter of which I’m super interested in), how do you convince yourself not to fall to FOMO or the fear that you’re missing out on something in your twenties?

 

@Dares Greeneye
What do you think of this plan I’ve fashioned? I glossed through the first few pages in your journal and first I must say sorry to you for everything that happened. And next I’ll offer the both of us what I think we’re missing. A reason to move forward. Concrete achievable goals and rewards that will better us in the longrun and spike our confidence. Let me know what you think.


Semen retention.
Keep going until School starts back up, I should be at day 30 then. I’ll have rebooted my brain, now it’s time to rewire it my way.

1. Talk to girls in your classes, find out which one(s) you like. Find out their personalities and interests. Be careful as you might slip here, but you can get through this. It’s part of the rewiring process.
2. By Valentine’s (day 58) you’ll have done some healthy rewiring seeing girls less as objects and more as individuals.
   
3. On Valentine’s I should be on day 58, around that week ask out the girl(s) you have a romantic interest in.
   • If one reciprocates, it’s a great chance to experience something new & grow. Don’t chase an orgasm, just be present in a meaningful relationship. If lust leads to love, it was built on rotten roots. But if love leads to lust, there’s no issue with that.
   • If, no when you next experience a rejection. Just grab your journal, go to a nearby hiking trail and meditate. Sit on your thoughts and process through them. Reward your courage with some hot pockets afterwards.

After this cycle has gone through once, I’ve successfully rebooted & rewired my brain. I’ve taught myself how to meet women, get to know them, decide whether I like them or not, and ask the big question. I will be able to live my life focusing on my career, and whenever I feel interested in a woman - I won’t be a stranger to taking the initiative and accepting the response.

 

“So you need to decide how far you want to go with it and what price you want to pay beyond just not getting off.” @Rev2.0

I came to that conclusion after reading @Dares Greeneye ’s response in this thread. I came up with a ruleset with rewards pertaining to how I want my brain to be rewired in the following 90 days. It’s in my about me and in this thread if you wanna give it a look.

Basically, instead of just doing Semen Retention, I want to do Sexual Transmutation and completely abstain from fantasizing about women for the first 30 days as I reboot, in the following 30 days I’ll get to know women in my classes as the new semester starts on day 30. And since day 58 is on Valentine’s it’ll be around that time I ask out any women I’m interested in.

The 2 things I want from this is
1.) Having the ability to sexually transmute my energy into my schoolwork, my martial art, and creating my own YouTube videos.
2.) Be able to get to know a woman in a short period of time, maybe not a day but instead a few weeks, form an opinion on her, and have the confidence to ask her out if I have interest before an extensive period of time passes. If I get a yes, I’ll explore what comes of it. And I’ll probably grow confidence because hey, I asked out a girl who really knew me and she said yes! If I only get no’s, I’ll have experience asking girls out and grow even more confidence that it’s not the end my world if a girl denies me.

I think once I have both of those 2 things in conjunction, I’ll have what I need from this NoFap thing.
I’ll be able to focus on my work and on my passions as they’re what’s truly important to me.
And whenever I come across a girl in my remaining time during college: I’ll have a better idea of what I’m interested in, and if she checks all my boxes I won’t be afraid to engage and make a move.

 

Honestly, I kind of wish I could follow the path you've chosen.

I'm in my second year of college and I really wanna just grind my passions until I'm an expert at them. Until I have the skills I need to put 100% into my goals. I feel like allowing myself intimacy with a woman will require (if not I will 100% feel a responsibility to and won't be able to stop myself from) me giving that person the time they deserve. I am almost certain it will slow me down.

But, to tell myself that I won't have someone for the next 2 or so years so I can grind out my work and sharpen those knives alone. I think sooner or later I'll go back to PMO because it's genuinely just way too long a timeframe. I think I have it in me to fully devote myself to semen retention, but I think that will take a period of countless trials and failures. I think this method will help me get farther in my streak much faster.

When I was doing NoFap and telling myself at a certain day I'd ask out this girl I like, no urge could stop me. I had a will of steel. It's almost as though I wasn't fighting for myself but for them, which I understand isn't what the NoFap community preaches. I think it's because at the time especially, I still had a super super low self-worth. And pushing forward although it benefitted me, for the sake of someone else kept me going. I mean once she rejected me I wasn't exactly broken, honestly I kinda had a boost in confidence since my world didn't fall apart. But the next time my schoolwork got too much around I think a week later? I PMOed. Which I think is the downside, because the moment that person you were "doing it for" is out of your life, you've lost the source of your willpower.

To remedy this, maybe it's wise to make that source of willpower something that doesn't go away. Something that's primarily for you, but still takes advantage of that other people as a motivator element. I think that's why upon giving this method my best shot I seem to have already made it a week in as of today.

It's still entirely FOR me. It gives me the great strength that I can integrate into my passions. It draws from my compassion for others by allowing me to choose someone or other I'm fighting this addiction for. It soothes my lust as I don't feel like I'm sitting still dick in hand, I feel like I'm making progress. And the more work I put in, the better the future release will be.

Anyway, just sort of responding, reflecting on these rules, and giving myself a pat on the back for hitting making it a week.

Go me. Here's to another week!!

 

P.s. Logged into NoFap on my PC for the first time in a while and just noticed how off my daily counter was lol. Updated it I hope it worked. I should be at 7 days now. My first clean day was December 19th. Hope it worked.