One week in

One week in. I am hopeful, but scared. I feel hopeful because so far this week, things for the most part have been overwhelmingly positive. I feel like I have learned something in me is broken, and I feel better about knowing that I am taking solid, meaningful steps to correct them and be a better version of myself. I feel closer to my fiancé than I have in a long time. We are communicating and opening up about our emotions, fears, anxieties, etc. I see a brightness in her eyes that I had forgotten was there. And I like to think that it is because she is proud of me.
But I am also scared. I am scared because I KNOW it can't always be this easy. Its only been 7 days, and I still have a long way to travel, and there will be bigger, more daunting roadblocks along the way. I cannot get complacent, and my biggest fear is that I will. Willpower has never been my strong suit.
On another, more sobering note, I received a text message from my sister yesterday morning. She is currently living with my mom and her husband until she moves across the pond to England. My mom had fallen outside the house, and her and my mom's husband had to help her into the house, and then she ended up falling again on the stairs. She had been drinking. Per usual. My mom loves her white wine, and it is nothing for her to down a bottle all by herself in an evening. For a woman who probably weighs 120 lbs, this level of drinking is alarming enough in itself, but I also knows she has a tendency to pop pills (xa.nax) as well. She ended up with a fractured rib and collar bone. When I heard this, emotions came flooding through me… about my own addiction…. and my mom's… and my sister's. Both of them have problems with alcohol. And pills. One the plus side, it is another sobering reminder of my own compulsions. And hopefully this will be the wake-up call my mom needs to realize she too has a problem that she needs to address.