On the brink of losing it all (wife, kids, life as I know it)

Hi all, long time fapper, first time acknowledging it's a problem and trying to fix it even though it may be too late. I am still a jumble of emotions, so apologies in advance if this intro post seems all over the place.

Been PMO for just about my entire life, since adolescence through now (42yo). It started out as adolescent fun and discovery. Transitioned into "I can't get a girlfriend so porn is all I have". Eventually did get a girlfriend, which a much lower sex drive than myself. So porn filled in the gaps. She knew about it, and as much of an asshole I was, I did very little to hide it. I guess I was thinking, she knows, it's ok. Technically this never came up as why we broke up, in fact she ended up cheating on me with my friend. That probably didn't help my PMO, and likely intensified it.

Ended up with my now-wife, who is amazing in all aspects, including a sex drive to match mine. We've been married almost 20 years, and have two kids (teen and pre-teen aged). But for almost the entire relationship, I've still PMO. Early on, she caught me as I was moving downloaded files (before streaming was a prevalent). She as upset I tried to hide it. I probably took a long break after that, I honestly don't recall. But one way or another, I started again.

I struggle with chronic migraines, depression, and anxiety. I've likely always used PMO as a crutch to help me "get by". It gave me the endorphin release, with little to no work on my end. I didn't have to worry about pleasing her, our schedules aligning, her mood, time of the month, etc. PMO was there for me.

More recently I added in a separate TT account to follow people there. The purposes weren't really PMO... I dunno what the purpose really was. Edging, perhaps? Getting an endorphin hit without actually PMO? Either way, I kept this from my wife as well.

In the past year-ish, she's started expressing displeasure with our marriage. The attention I give her, her being appreciated. How it's not the same as when we first met. Somehow, I never thought the PMO was related, because PMO has always been there. Since I was somehow able to give her that attention/appreciation back then (when PMO was likely still happening to some degree) I thought that surely it's from something else. I did try to do better, and it was never enough.

This just pushed me farther into depression, leading to anti-depressants, leading to ED issues, leading to even more displeasure by her now because I couldn't perform. And led to her being self conscious. My PMO was never about her level of attractiveness, I have always found her attractive and never wanted another person.

Last week she questioned something about my non-PMO TT acocunt, and I denied it. I lied. Within a couple days the truth came out, all of it. And it's ruined everything. I don't know why I thought I could hide this. She doesn't want to talk to me, which I guess I understand. She says she needs time and space. I am reaching out to a couples therapist today, which my wife has agreed to.

I am at all new levels of depression. I've had un-aliving thoughts in the past, but usually push past them. This whole thing has made that so much worse. I worry I won't be able to continue if she leaves me. I probably need therapy for myself, which I plan to ask about as well.

So I'm here, I'm fucked in the head. I'm trying, with extreme difficulty, to make things right. I'm broken. Hell, I've been broken, but now I'm shattered. I can't believe I was so stupid.

I'm very much open to an accountability partner, and/or someone willing to talk. Similar age (40s) and married/previously married a plus, but not a requirement. I'm looking into the virtual meet ups, but not sure on how I feel about that yet, tbh.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I figure this is the most likely place to find people who might understand. If you read this far, thanks.

 

Thanks for the reply. I just hope she’ll be willing to give me another chance. I’ve asked for chances before, unrelated to PMO, more to my attentiveness towards her. I may have used up all her good will and/or patience. I’m so scared. She’s not talking to me, outside of required conversations about the kids. I keep trying to remind myself she needs time, and there’s still hope. But in the darkness of my own thoughts I don’t see a way out.

 

Thank you for all for your supportive words. I have told her these things. So far, she does not seem receptive. My main hope is that time and/or counseling will allow her to see how sorry I am.

She’s told me “it’s just words”, but words are all I can do right now. Well, when she speaks to me. I need her to give me the chance to show her my actions. She asked what would be different now? I didn’t have an answer at the time, but I think the answer is that I am coming to accept this is an addiction. And previously I didn't view or approach it as such, so I naturally failed at controlling/stopping it. This time, I hope that my acceptance of what is really is as well as what I have to lose is the difference.

Today we had a previously-planned family outing to a tourist-y place. Overall it went well, though all of the family pics were at my request, and she only requested pics with her and the kids. I guess I don't blame her, but it still hurt. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

Had my nightly ugly-cry at how much I fucked everything up. I am still super depressed and trying not to beat myself up, but have been failing at that. I am/was such an idiot.

 

Yea, I'm coming to realize that it's going to take time, and a lot of it. Which I totally understand. But it's super hard to keep a handle on my depression especially during this initial shock period. Right now, that's almost my biggest hurdle. I'd been on antidepressants in the past 1-2 years, but they ended up causing sexual dysfunction to the point of causing issues with my wife, so we agreed to stop. So now that my wife and I are in... whatever status we're in... that doesn't seem like a downside anymore. My only worry is that IF she takes me back and IF we have any intimacy again in the future, the antidepressant side effects could mess that up. But I supposed that's a problem for the future, and I might need those meds to help me even get to that future. So it's probably worth it.

I've been doing a lot of reading here, and on the information people have linked. A lot of it resonates with me. Like, before now, I never viewed it as an addiction. Yes, I know I shouldn't be keeping it from my wife, and I've tried/failed to stop in the past, but "surely I wasn't an addict". Looking back I don't know how I didn't see the signs.