On day 60/61… my life is absolute hell

(trigger warning: talking about drug use, PMO use/escalation, suicide, general disdain of life.)

Hey people,


Creating this post because I need to vent a little, or maybe I’m hoping to get some support from the community.

I’ve struggled for years with an extremely destructive habit of combining hard drugs and porn escalation.

I’ve been locked on trans p**n, with an asphyxiation on their d**ks.

When I had access to cocaine, I would blow down lines with no ability to stop whatsoever until the drugs were gone. Then I moved, and no longer had that access to come, but I then started snorting Wellbutrin.

I would snort the entire bottle over the course of a few days, edging constantly to trans d**ks, focusing on not being attracted to women and changing myself for this fetish.

To tell you the truth I hate being human, the only reason I stopped is because I couldn’t control it. I don’t really care if my brain goes back to women, I hate the idea of being controlled by how something else decided or wants me to be. It felt great to choose something else, but it was an endless thrill ride that resulted in absolute destruction of me and my life.

I’ve used mind altering substances to try and change me more. I’ve M’d on mushrooms. Everything was centered on changing me, hoping that if I changed my brain so my body would adapt and I’d become a woman.

All I ever wanted was to be happy and comfortable with myself, with my body. To like myself. I hate all this stupid macho man bs, be a man blah blah blah.

now here I am today, I’ve quit EVERYTHING. 60 days no porn. 60 days no alcohol. 32 days no caffeine and 60 days no hard drugs.

This has been a long week. I started a new job because I have no choice, I’m piled high in debt and expenses. This job is complete garbage and has made me more miserable than I can bear. I think about relapse every single day.

I usually make it this far and then cave in. My longest streak was like 72 days no PMO.

my brain keeps trying to get me to do it, or get me aroused. I’m so tired of feeling shitty like this, I’m so tired of this stupid nonsense. Why is my brain so goddamn dumb. It has an agenda of its own and it’s the complete opposite of mine.

Im so ready to end it all, before the thought of hurting my family stopped me but now I just need to end this pain. If I give in and give it what it wants I might not feel the urges but I’ll hate myself. I’ll hate life more than I already do.

if it didn’t bring such destruxtion to my life I would do it happily. If I had a choice I would isolate myself with a mountain of drugs and never leave my house and never stop.

it made me so happy to go against my biologics. Now I’m at its mercy. I’m stuck in this pathetic meat suit that can’t catch the fuck up.

I have to work out everyday or else I get severely depressed and suicidal.

I still can’t wrap my head around why something would make this reality. This is so fucking demented. I have lived a life of nothing but torment.

I’ve had so many traumatic experiences during these binges...

I once snorted so much Wellbutrin and edged for so long and so hard with the focus and intent of turning myself g*y that a wraith-like spirit or whatever the fuck it was manifested itself in my room and came right at me. I thought I was going to fucking die. I’ve never experienced and felt such horror, and I spent the rest of the night in a horrible trip like state in constant fear. I had to call out of work, and had to try and fucking explain why (omitting the PMO part). My manager told me it was all in my head, which yeah there is truth to that. No one else saw the thing. I know drugs altered my reality.

I went so hard at these binges, I’ve entered into full on end of the world modes/realities. I’ve lived out hellish and horrid drug and P induced realities. I’ve been tricked by spirits or WHATEVER THE FUCK IS OUT THERE IN THE UNKNOWN. They’ve tricked me into thinking I was going to die plenty. They once tricked me into thinking my alien was a neighbor, and if I didn’t go and beg him for sex he would come in the night and kill my family and rape me (the idea was that I had to beg for sex to make myself less desirable.). I did it… and his response was “too easy” and then shut the door in my face.

it seemed like the joke was always on me and everything around me is in on it. This stuff is only breaking the ice as far as the horrid trip states, psychosis, trauma and PTSD.

I had an OD on opiates. I was never into them, but was planning to kill myself two years ago. I took a couple through out the night, unaware of their strength (I was also on coke and probably adderall). I awoke to find myself surrounded by paramedics. If my brother had found a job he wouldn’t have been home, and if he hadn’t been home he wouldn’t have found me choking to death. Completely purple. It took two things of Narcan to bring me back. When I came back I could barely speak, my brain had lost so much oxygen. My shoulder was injured from being passed out in whatever weird position it was in. It took months to a year to heal.

if you’ve read all this hopefully it’ll deter you from going down the same path as me. It felt good to talk about some of this stuff… I never imagined I ever would.

Idk if I’ll ever change, I don’t even know if I want to. I just want to find some security in my life, and I can’t do that when I clock out on a magical ride to the deepest darkest smelliest parts hell.

 

Thank you for your reply. I know addiction isnt forever, and addiction isn’t even so much the problem here. It’s the desire/want/need to escape.

you are totally right about peace, and that’s what these escapes bring me for a little bit. There is peace in the madness, I am completely somewhere else besides the problems I am currently facing.