I'm 18.Male.Straight. Been on PM since 10 and Oing 13. During this 7/8 year addiction. I went from normal-lesbo-big boot*-big ti**-gang-cartoon-anime-granny e.t.c and was rotating them all around. But at 14 my brain wanted more. So I discovered shem*** porn. I hated it after every relapse, making me upset and depressed. And when I was 14 or 15 I started acting out fetishes on my self and hated every second of it. Then I started viewing cross dresser and t girl and became very very interested in this filth. But I was still viewing old genres but mainly this new porn I found. I discovered nofap 2-3 months before I turned 16. Went on 32 days but relapsed because a girl found out and started making fun of me which led to a relapse. I was happy during that reboot because I started liking girls a lot more. Then at 16ish-18 all hell broke loose I started viewing a lot of gay porn and transwoman heavily and crossdresser submissive and dominant types even that sissy hypno I was addicted to ( I still get heavy urges for this- but I don't these thoughts or feelings). I was very addicted to it. But I'd still view lesbian porn and straight porn and when I'd relapse on lesbian porn I'd be happy. But if it was gay or transwoman e.t.c id be happy whilst watching it but after watching it I'd be traumatised and scared. As a kid I've always loved girls but this stuff has me feeling weird and sad and gay e.t.c Now at 18 I'm still getting urges. I cant walk outside. I have no confidence. I want to start feeling mad crazy about girls again. I WANT my natural tastes back. I'm on day 12 of no pmo. Viewed a few girl pics (boobs,ass vagina) by purpouse and accidently went on gay pics whilst searching about the clitoris on google images. But its been 12 days of no pmo. But I get urges of HOCD most of the day. I stay at home all day. I'm scared. Please could anyone with any knowledge on how to cure HOCD ,any experience e.t.c please help!!!
Yo man everything is going to be okay. Tel yourself that. I have the worst HOCD ever, all because I can't get up for a girl due to porn. So yeah I felt pretty vurnerable and shitty and easily latched on to the idea that I'm gay inside. ALL BULLSHIT. Basically your driving yourself crazy with stress, which is what happens whenever our units aren't working and we are trying to resist our addiction. Your freaking out and by the time it gets to your brain it's all bullshit. So I've gotten into habit of countering my HOCD thoughts by closing my eyes and saying "your just stressed" and move on to the next thing. It'll take practice but in a few days it will become habit and you'll be able to cast aside those gay thoughts. If you've always loved girls until this happened, your fine, just stressed my man. Best of luck
Hey mate, well done on being so open and honest about your feelings. I really hope you're able to break free of the habit and soon! One thing that really helps me is to be more aware of your internal dialogue - what is your mind 'saying' to yourself? Is it judging, shaming or scaring you? If that's the case, you need to consciously change that dialogue. I regularly need to do this, and tell myself "I can see a clean and happy future", "I've taken a positive step and will continue to do so" and so on. It's difficult to fully transform, and you often feel like you're at war with yourself, but keep at it - it's your mind, after all. It should be fighting for you, not against you. Good luck
Your experience with getting into those genres isn't uncommon. What you need to do is not feed this beast anymore. But even as you recover if you do have these urges then so what? Even if you do have homosexual attraction so what? It doesn't mean you are less of a person. It doesn't mean you have to act on the urges. The more you fear something the stronger the thought can be. If you can learn to not care about being gay then the thoughts may leave you. Generally I'd say thoughts that disturb you are thoughts that go against who you are. Your disturbing sex thoughts are probably a good indicator you really aren't interested in the thought. However years of porn can mess up your preferences. Healing takes time but allowing yourself to not get worked up over bad thoughts will help.
Thanks, I really appreciate that fact that you read my post and replied. Today I was saying to myself that 'I'm just stressed and I did move onto the next thing. It did work at times. But hopefully It'll cure the shit thoughts as time goes by.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply. I really appreciate it. You are right my mind dies judge me,shame me and scares me. But at times it does fade away then, fades back in. And there's actually a WAR going on in my head. I'm on day 13 now and I've not looked at any porn intentionally or tapped or Od. I dis sense an urge for girls today. So I'm kinda happy with the progress.
I agree. I need to stop caring about these thoughts. At times I forget about it and enjoy what I'm doing without having the thoughts pull my mind around. E.g. Playing a game and enjoying driving a car,fighting,racing. Or watching boxing without the thoughts in my head. Today I felt some natural jumping urges in my body when seeing an attractive girl on a game. And every now and then when I'm tryna sleep or I'm bored. I do think about girls and kinda fantasize. I don't know if I force myself to think about girls or if it's naturally playing some random sequence in my head where I'm a teacher (not really a teacher) and I'm a with nice attractive female teacher and we kiss and feel each other. Or where I'm in car and talk and then feel.her and go low on her. I get these sequences in my head.SHIT. I have no idea what's going on most of the time.
I have the same issue for now 3 or 4 months (I'm not totally sure) and I'm currently pretty anxious about one thing. First time this happened to me I wasn't aware that it was a HOCD and when I realised it was I felt really relieved but not healed for sure. I learned that to heal this kind of mental disease when it's related to porn (which is I'm almost 100% sure my case), you have to totally stop PMO and not testing yourself to convince you you are really straight by watching straight porn or even if you are crazy enough to dare, masturbating to gay porn (to see if it makes you feel sexually excited) which is not my case. So I tried for the first time to totally stop PMO and I lasted 3 weeks but after this 3 weeks streak I relapsed, and after I relapsed I relapsed again, and this like 6 times and now I'm here and it's been 8 days without PMO for me currently and I'm really determined to stop it for good. But here's my question: If you're suffering of HOCD and you decide to stop PMO but you fail and you fail like 6 times does it makes you more likely to become gay or does it just make it longer to heal it? I'm currently really anxious about that.
Beside that something makes me doubt more because I saw a psy and when I told him about HOCD (which I think it's what make us feel like that) he told me that it was bullshit, that you can't become gay by abusive PMO. At the end of the meeting he even told me this (lol) "Mister, If abusive PMO would make a guy gay I would be gay for a long time now".
Since I was around 11 and now im 16. I went through the exact same series of issues you went through. I stared with "normal" porn but then it went downhill. I started looking at shem@le porn and other wierd things. Gay porn soon felt like nothing. I felt bad everytime i watched porn as i knew i was betraying my parents who brought me up as a good person. I had to stop so thats why im on NoFap
Fuck the psy bastard. An you asked earlier if relapsing makes you gay, NO. It just makes rebooting longer. Here is a website that will help you out a lot. https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual
WARNING TRIGGERING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I went to my doctors and I was hard over the lady receptionists. I wanted to fuck em both dry on the spot. Then I went to see the female doctor who was old. But I got hard over her too LOL. She had big ass though. Then she had to look at my lump on swollen scrotum. I like OK. Then I took down my pants and I was even more hard. I was ready to smash. She checked my swollen ball sack. And she was deffo turned on by my package. I was like 'touch my dick now'. But I stayed quiet during the whole thing. She just touched my swolen area on ball sackand leg. I wanted fuck. I'm happy about this because HOCD is a joke to me right now. But its still there. So I'll continue my journey no PM. And only O if I get some.