I don’t usually do that. In fact I’m a ghost user, I never post anywhere. But this time I had to. It’s amazing to me (and also very disturbing) how unknown this all thing is. That even professionals don’t know about it. I’m a 35 yo gay guy living in Los Angeles. I’ve been suffering from PIED for few good years now. I would get hard (kind of) during foreplay but it will be all gone when we get to the naked stuff like oral and penetrations (I’m a top so I really needed mine to work...). It was also not fun, just stressing and keeping me self conscious the whole time, and eventually feeling disappointed and humiliated. It wasn’t always like that. I started experimenting when I was 17-18, had good sex life during my early-mid 20s, but then things started going wrong. I cannot really say what started it. Seems like a vicious circle that kept feeding itself making things worse in all directions. I started getting depressed, avoiding sex more and more and of course using porn more and more... I never thought I’m a porn addict. Not to say I didn’t watch it. I did and at some points in my life it was a lot. I downloaded a lot and kept looking for more. I would jo few times a day at my peak.. but I always preferred to fantasize and play the scenes in my head, than actually watch on a screen. I actually remember stumbling upon nofap a couple of years ago, and completely dismissing it thinking I barely “watch” porn and only fantasizing so it’s different. Oh boy I was wrong... For me, fantasizing about it had the same effect as watching it on a screen. My taste got very extreme over years of “checking porn for ideas”, then playing it even better in my head, and my fantasies became unrealistic and involving acts that I knew I wouldn’t even want to do in real life. I was getting extremely frustrated and kept fueling the problem by jo more to relieve the stress and anger.. Vicious cycle at its best. Over the years I tried everything. I saw a therapist. I took depression pills. I started eating healthy. I quit smoking cigarettes. I was always into working out but I really upped my game, heck I even got a six pack! My testosterone levels were higher than the avg 18 yo levels. I even tried taking breaks from jo, but I never crossed the 1 week mark, which is just not enough. I eventually even agreed to try Ed meds. Nothing helped! Quick side note about meds. They get a lot of bad rep here. I strongly disagree with that. Those meds are not magic. Depression pills will not make you happy. Ed pills will not make you hard without arousal. But if they do help with anything, without sacrificing other things, I say why suffer? Use whatever you have to get better. Taking pills doesn’t mean you stop trying to make other things better. It doesn’t mean you will have to take them forever. It’s just another form of help IMO. Almost like getting help from a forum online. Just a different kind of help. Back to my story... As a young fit gay guy, living in Los Angeles, I never had a problem finding people to meet and/or have sex with. The truth is though, I was advertising myself as a “top” but kept failing at getting it to work. It kept getting worse. I just couldn’t enjoy anything sexual anymore. Not making out, not body contact, oral or anything really. Even with people I considered to be very hot and attractive. I just didn’t feel the attraction. My libido for sex with real people completely vanished and I couldn’t understand why... everything worked great when I was alone jo. At this point I was rarely watching porn, but M almost every night to my crazy porn fantasies... On Sunday, May 31 I met another guy for a hookup (don’t judge guys lol it’s just part of the gay culture here ♂️). He was what my brain considered to be very attractive but my dick would not cooperate, again (with ED pills...). Feeling really helpless, I started looking online again, not hoping for much. I eventually found another article about Pied, talking more about the brain and the extreme taste people develop, something that made me wondering if me fantasizing about it is just like watching it on a screen. I read about the reboot process and how it helped so many people with the same Ed problems I have. I hated the idea of it but I had to try. I decided to start the day after, on Monday June 1st, not before jo to my favorite scene in my head the night before of course. Classic addict move... Giving up on porn was easy for me, I was barely actually watching any at this point. Giving up on M was hard, but I really wanted my sex life back. It’s been years since I really enjoyed it and I was so overwhelmed, I was ready to give up M if it means I can have real sex again. I wasn’t sure about giving up O. I mean that’s what I want right? to be able to O with other people... but I knew it’s not going to work with other people any time soon so I would just stop O for now and we’ll see how that goes.. First week I felt like a zombie. Full on flat line. I was tired. I was sad, probably mourning M and P or more accurate F(antasy) in my case. I would just do my workout, work and go to sleep. By the second week I started having moments of being horny just by seeing people and that made me really happy! I also started feeling very uncomfortable down there, really wanted to explode but I kept going. By the end of the 3rd week I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was super horny and just had to do something. I hooked up (no penetrations) and was able to O, faster than usual, but I didn’t care. It felt so good to just be in the moment and enjoy what’s in front of you, without having to imagine it first or picture anytning your head. I knew I was on the right track. Over the last 3 months I hooked up a few more times. All were successful other than 1 - about 2 months in - in which I think things were just moving way too quick there and I wasn’t ready for that kind of nsa hookup yet. Non of those had penetration sex though, until last night. I haven’t been able to enjoy sex in so long, it’s been so many years, and last night it all exploded. I actually started remembering my past successful experiences and how great it feels and how much I like it. Needless to say, I had the best night sleep I had in a very long time... It’s been 91 days without P and M. Now that I know how damaging it was for me I just don’t think I even wanna try. But who needs it when you can have the real thing??? I won’t tell you about super powers and fairytales. Some other things got better yes and a lot of the shame is gone, but for a guy with Ed, I think all we care about is for that to start working again. I was skeptic. I tried everything before. This is not a common knowledge and I really wish it was. But it worked for me when nothing else did. And there is no going back now. I will do my part at spreading the word out there. I just wanted to thank you all and share my story. My success story. I feel so happy. So relieved. Like I’m starting a new chapter in life. I hope it will encourage others to try. Peace and love to you all!
Kudos! Glad to hear your doing better and have found this solution. ^ This is so important. Fantasy has been my number one trigger for relapse.
