Old mtf journal, fighting feminizing kinks

first , because of my disability, I can't type much. I have tendinitis in both hands and both knees for almost 4 years.
I am very limited with what I can do with my hands, I don't touch the keyboard at all with them, I do voice typing, and fix all errors with the legs, but because elbow tendons are so unstable, I have very limited time when I can do this.

Because of this, and also because I never trained my American accent , I can type only in chunks of 2-3 sentences at a time. I did train accent since my posts on my profile page, and it became a little easier, but I am still Limited in how much I can type in one go.

as I found on the other English based forum I am posting to, it is easier for me to post these chunks as they are ready, and not wait when more parts of the story will be ready, continuing with another chunk whenever I have time whenever state of my disability allows me a time slot to do this. And so I will try to post here in this manner as well.

 

Sometimes I can't voice type, because I'm not really alone. but I really need to write to this thread, so I may enter some posts with legs only. they will be much shorter, maybe less than 10 words.
i'm MTF, 44, many feminization kinks since 6.

 

To name a few:

Spoiler

Second skin, ecchi cosplay and roleplay, in public also, contortion - actual flexibility training, not just watching, objectivization

 

naked p*** never interested, but it didn't stop cycles of kmo (from kink), sometimes with actual kinky hentai P. Lately Kinks escalated:

Spoiler

Transformation hypno, interest in takeover of transformation persona, and for the last 1 1/2 years hooked on B**** S**** which I now need to stop.

I have just read what is written about this latest dangerous kink On this forum, a lot of it I already understood by myself, but starting on the cleaners.

I skip a lot in this first introduction, but I feeling that I need to do 90 days hard mode reboot. But most probably I won't be able to do it without Russian speaking AP. So far longest streak verse about 7 days, and only because pain in my tendons flared. Typical "streaks" were 1-2 days.

 

Some more of my brief introduction.
I am now stuck at the end of the earth, in a civil war conflict zone, although it is quiet quiet is a place I am staying right now for more than a year already. But it still adds limitations link living in poverty, limited access to medical help and to buying online.

Another limitation is as ironic as it can be. My disability literally makes it painful to fap, because elbow tendons involved.

 

Limitation which my disability puts on how much I can type on the forum, is really very big problem for me(((. I spent friday trying to describe my situation in as little words as I can, failed to mention yet most of crucial details, I don't know how many more weeks will take me to put it all here.

But judging by the lack or replies, the extent of my problem is far from clear, or maybe I should have put my posts energy principle is there onIn a different subforum, like "problematic sexual behaviour"

Also I'm only halfway learning American accent (first pass through the course anyway)and it complicate things. I still need one or two months to finish at least the first pass. Now some sentences come out easily, but the structure of others I have to change dramatically.

Also I expect trouble voice typing specific nofap terms, which will complicate describing the main part of the problem

 

In fact I'm now extremely vulnerable to anything that would introduce significant emotional influence in my life. This is because of the state of my tendons, and my time schedule over the day that I would better follow to the best of my ability in order to be able to recover at all. a big reason 4 this is recovery after surgery On my right elbow more than a year ago didn't go go well. the only tactic to heal my tendons that seem to work for me is rest and wait - I mean, nsaids and physiotherapy don't seem to work for me and I don't do them. ............tbc

I keep being distracted today, because I don't live alone now, and people I live with, my parents, are not of the type who should know about my hypno pmo addiction, because they are in a specific new age religious cult. But I feel that I should upload even partial text.

 

Cleaners currently: Nimja's Memory Recovery + Deep Reset + Aftercare in combinations

 

This is actually more complicated question to answer, in context everything I said before, then even I expected. Well technically I am transitioning for 20 years already. The reasons for delay are both outside of my control, such as financial issues and lately medical issues, my problems in relationships with parents, because of which I didn't want to relocate back to them more than anything else, and still had to do it a bit more than a year ago. Spent so much time trying to get a place to live for myself and failed eventually. The other reasons are that I'm still questioning my gender identity, for years lately I prefer to say to anyone myself included who asked, that I am mtf non-binary, meaning I feel that I actually have some kind of mix of male and female gender identity, but I don't know what actually flavour of the mix it is and I didn't really care about it because I couldn't solve this riddle in favour of more important daily stuff. up to now I still have several versions about it, but the fact that various feminizing porn it did have some influence is obvious. Even though what started it was looking at girls at school and wanting to be like them, probably from the age of 6. My psychologist now asks me to try to look into the question of what my actual gender identity is, even although the main problem I asked her to help me solve our sessions started last November was problems in my relations with parents.


I should say that at the moment I prefer female pronoun when referring to myself because regardless of story of my kinks, suggesting that my gender identity may be masculine really can give me gender dysphoria.

 

Just to clarify one thing. Maybe, I just hope, the I'm not as addicted to listening to hypno files per se. Since I discovered this genre several years ago, most of the time I didn't have time to concentrate on files. Because of that I have done much more with self hypnosis. that I am probably much more addicted to.

 

it is so difficult in this body to stop arousal ((
I mean I almost can't do many of the standard stepS for it:
* I almost can't do any physical exercises
* I can't take shower for myself. I can wash my face and rinse my hair and under cold water instead. Also in winter I can go to the balcony and look outside in the Frost (I live in apt on 7th floor). But it doesn't help much.
* I can't go out too often. I usually go out about 2 or 3 times in a month - can be less if my tendons got worse.
* I almost can't talk to anybody. Forum participation is still too limited for me. parents worldview is too warped. parents worldview is too warped by a religious cult they get into. And I don't know anyone to call in this new city for me I live in. And my Skype contacts are lost.