Oh God please don’t let me fail

I can be your partner if you want. you can tell me your full story . You are not alone!

 

keep focused on what you're trying to achieve. A life without addiction. a life with true intimacy, and love.
why are you home alone right now? have you disclosed to your wife? the best thing you can do is a full disclosure to her. if she doesn't know let her, if she discovered your addiction you need to still tell her about it. she's going to be the one in your corner rooting for you to win more than anyone else.
good luck and stay strong.

 

there is a saying that is so important to recovery in a relationship, "I would rather lose her then lie to her." if you truly want to recover and heal from this addiction you have to get past the shame. if you haven't look up and watch the "helping her heal videos" @TryingHard2Change has them, and can help you. If I've learned anything from healing from this addiction it's that your wife knows. whether you think she does or doesn't, she does. ask any of the SOs out there they'll all tell you. the best thing you can do is come clean to her before she discovers, and she will discover. she will be more understanding and receptive to you wanting to get better and she will be more willing to believe that you want to take the initiative to heal from this addiction. the thing SOs hate more than anything is feeling like they have to hold their PAs hand through recovery and show them the way. it's your addiction and your responsibility to get better. they will always be there to help and support you but they can't make you better. it's like the old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". I know long and rambley, but to get to the point. go to your wife, tell her your problem and disclose how it affects you and how you want to get better. tell her you're sorry and how much you love her, and she will be there for you.

 

An AP is an accountability partner. someone you go to when you have urges or struggles. someone to help hold you accountable for your actions.

you're right it's not that easy. it's terrifying. I know though from personal experience that if you hide what you've done it just makes it harder. @Kenzi is my wife and I've lied to her more times then I can count. I've kept the truth and hid what I was doing. I thought I was doing it cause I didn't want to hurt her but all I was doing was protecting myself and hiding from my own shame. it's not easy but coming back from one lie, even if it's a big one is alot easier then letting her found out you've been lying to her. if she discovers which she will, cause eventually the guilt of lying to will rear its ugly head, she will be way more mad and angry then if you told her.

 

Ok, I may come off harsh, but you need to hear this, because you are doing what my husband did to me.

You Are Taking Away Her Choice.

My husband lied to me COUNTLESS times. We have had... 10 or 12 DDays... oh, and I married my husband knowing about his addiction. So trust me, your wife wants honesty.

If you come forward, showing REMORSE and NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE then she will be very happy to see that you are struggling and WANT TO CHANGE.

I think you need more boundaries and accountability. If you get an Ap, get Ever Accountable on all your devices, it keeps track of EVERYTHING you search. If your wife wants to help you and she feels ok with knowing your history, she can even be on there as well so you are double-y acountable. That way You Cannot Lie To Her. LIES KILL MARRIAGE NOT PORN.

Please, if you love her, you will tell her. It's not fair to keep someone trapped against their will... take it from someone who has been in your wife's position. That has been one of the biggest struggles to get over, is that my husband took my choice away from me. Had he been honest from the get go, I would not have thought about leaving. The lies are what makes a Wife/SO want to leave.

 

I don't think you are quite grasping what I am saying.

If she leaves, It's On Your Addict Choices. You cannot Keep Her Trapped. She has a Right to know. Most addicts fear the SO will leave, so they don't tell. They only are protecting themselves. They are treating the person they claim "to love" like dirt, like a slave, like a piece of trash.

Have faith that she loves you and as long as youre actively working recovery she will stick by your side.

If you need help telling her, I have a sample disclosure letter if you want to PM me I can send it to you and walk you through it. This sample letter is based on what I know lots of SO's wish they had and what I personally would do anything to have had.

You have a choice to be her hero and come forward and be more honest in her eyes, or you will be the villain, the horrible liar and she will further have her trust damaged. You choose who you want to be.

 

the sad truth is she might leave, and you have to except that that is a possibility. it's like @AnonymousAnnaXOXO said, by not telling her you are essentially holding her captive and she will resent you way more for that then the porn. the first thing you have to do to recover is be accountable for your actions. whether the consequences are good or bad you have to except responsibility. if you can do that you are headed in the right direction to be rid of this terrible addiction. you will also feel a huge weight lift off your shoulders, be ready to hold up your wife though. cause even though your lifting the weight off your shoulders you're putting some on hers. as mad as she's going to be when you disclose, you need to be supportive and understanding as well. I can't emphasize this enough. I really suggest watching the helping her heal videos before you disclose. you'll better understand how she feels and you'll be able to be there for her better.

 

Dude, listen to @Rock_Star , he knows what he is talking about, and so do I. We both want to see you succeed in overcoming this addiction, and as they say in AA, "You're only as sick as your secrets"

 

Keep going

 

This thread has been gold. Seems like it has everything, but most importantly a lot of great insight.

When I first admitted to my wife about doing myself, my wife crumbled and so I hid it and promised I would fix it. I promised never to do it again. Over 2 years later she found out the hard way and found out I had lied to her several times and had been doing it every few days.

The first hour is horrible after the reveal but the peace it brings is overwhelming because you no longer have to live in this cloud surrounded by lies. Also I feel one can not recover until this happens. It strengthens the bonds of love, brings transparency to what your wife already suspects, and gives you your best alliances and best shot to beat this addiction.

She may leave, but in the end she will be grateful to know the truth. She may also support you and sympathize with your battle.

Question perhaps is, what is the alternative? Live the lie and never feel full freedom.

Glad you got such great advice here. Hope you work on that reveal.

I truly wish I would have gotten this tough love before wasting a few years. All the best man.

 

Bad bad! You must tell her. Think about what's more important, saving your life, your future, your relationship or momentary embarrassment from your wife. Cmon, you are an adult!