OCD + sissy fantasies

With the quarantine I'm stuck in a small apartment, and what I would call "my old demons" have invaded my mind again, stronger than ever.

I had HOCD (couldn't label it back then of course) at the beginning of puberty: obsessive doubts about my sexual orientation, although I had, and have always felt attraction to girls only. I got really depressed by this. After a while it evolved into what I can now call "sissy fantasies". By the way I'm grateful to this forum because I got to read a bunch of personal stories here that very much resonated with mine. It's kind of cool to put words to things that hurt and seem so deviant, and see that I'm not alone. I discovered the HOCD and sissy words just tonight and honestly I had some kind of "Aha moments". Problem with the sissy matter is that you often end up in places that fully promote it, e.g. the subreddit (do not go there...)

So, back to the story. I think my sissy fantasies partly came from, or were set off, by a porn magazine brought by a kid at middle school. Back then Internet was really at the beginning, so most kids only had pictures on paper to get off to. I developed an obsession with a scene I had a quick glimpse at,

Spoiler: *Possibly triggering text !*

of a girl putting her middle finger up her ass. From that moment I started including some fingering in my usual fap sessions. This of course fed my HOCD a lot. I would do it and then by ashamed as hell, promising to myself that I'd never ever do it again and only have regular hetero fap. In addition to the anal play I would also take female body postures, and truly feel like a sl*tty girl being used.

My HOCD took a different turn, as I started reading about TG, gender dysphoria etc. Now the question wasn't so much about being gay (I still didn't feel any attraction to guys), but whether my core gender was girl or boy. At the same time I started feeling shy and scared towards the more "alpha" guys. Including my father, who is not particularly macho but quite tall and definitely not open to showing feminine traits and emotions.

I have never been an alpha for sure. Really shy, quiet kid, sensitive and always in my thoughts, doing solitary stuff, preferring a book to a football game. Never had feminine manners. I was just thin and gentle, with quite delicate facial features, and none of the competitive / aggressive mindset that most boys had. I wasn't bullied too much because I made a point to respond with fighting if needed, so I was not the easiest target.

While I grew that discomfort to "alpha" guys, I noticed that women and "betas" like me provided reassurance. Around girls I could feel like a real guy again, and the sissy fantasies would not show up.

Since then (I've hit 30 now) I've been constantly trying to put the sissy stuff under a carpet. Had a few short relationships with girls, mostly via the Internet. Had a longer one but ended it because I have that huge commitment issue / feeling trapped in relations... BUT also because the sissy kink had started creeping back in, and I had more and more difficulties making love to that girl knowing that a few days before

Spoiler: *Possibly triggering text ! *

I had jerked off in shameful postures with some improvised dildo up my ass.

She was, I think, not the kind to accept talking openly about things like that, raised in a religious and traditional background... But maybe I was wrong. With my quiet nature I don't talk easily, and I'm very hard and judgmental on myself, so I can't really imagine talking about that other than online.

All these years I had periods without too much sissy fantasies, or none at all. Basically whenever I felt like I was doing something with my life, having activities and goals, not spending days alone at home: that's what keep the "demons" at bay for me... So with the quarantine it's taking over my mind again yesterday I couldn't hold it anymore and had two fap sessions in sissy mode. Another one this morning.

I had never heard of sissy hypnosis porn until tonight, and sure I won't check aha. I wouldn't call myself a porn addict. Apparently I don't need porn for those scenarios to come and arouse me. It's always in the back of my mind these days. A constant noise of images in my brain, and a craving like a burning fire, especially because I'm alone and I CAN do it whenever I want. To make things worse, I am currently sub renting a girl's flat. Didn't touch any of her stuff. By the way I've never indulged in cross-dressing. But there is a strong temptation.

I feel like those fantasies are wrong because it's so frightening. Even if I try not to be judgmental, I have the intuition that if I let myself go down this road I will eventually lose my identity and become a "sexual object" and nothing more. So there is a huge feeling of danger, and this makes it even more appealing I guess. Yeah honestly I cannot reconcile the self that I currently know as "me", who has interests and passions and skills, with the self that I embrace when I'm in the sissy mode which is all about being a submissive sexual object. I don't want that, I have some kind of self-esteem even though it's low...

I hate the quarantine for letting all this pop into my face again, but in a sense it's also a good thing because I cannot hide it anymore. I know I have to work on it, find my way, acknowledge that I have those invading fantasies, stop blaming myself for that.

I don't really know yet what to do, because I cannot leverage porn use, most of the time I don't use it. Banning sissy fap? Tried that countless times, doesn't eliminate the obsessive thoughts at all, and I end up relapsing and wanting to die even more. One reasonable way I see is to get my mind busy with constructive things despite the quarantine, while not trying to put the demons under the carpet again because it just makes things worse. Sort of taming the beast, taking a step back... Learning to let those images go through my mind without fear, even if I feel the craving building up... Self-esteem issues often come up when people try to explain the sissy kink, and it makes sense to me. In my experience, whenever I have a productive day at the office, or a good workout, I feel better about myself and the obsession will keep quiet for a while.

Only thing I know is that it's taking a toll on my life, and when your 20s are over you realize how short it is actually. My discomfort with "alpha" men (or I should say, just grown men) made me give up on a particular career and settle for something easier, that didn't require too much interaction. My sissy perversion has been an obstacle to relationships and made me feel like shit and think about suicide in many occasions.

If you guys have any piece of advice, comment or stories to share, I would appreciate!

Cheers

 

Thank you.

I just had a stroll outside, and then a fresh beer. Trying not to beat myself up over what happened. Next weekend I think I will go to my office and work. Once I'm out I usually don't feel urges like when I'm home.

I realize that one important aspect is to let go of the perfectionism that leads me to think: "you shouldn't need expedients to escape the addiction". Fuck that. Yeah I need to go out and get in touch with the real world in order to break the vicious circle. I'm not looking to get 100% clean of this thing anymore, I know it will probably always be waiting for me at the corner and it's a part of me, I just need strategies to get out of it. The parallel with addictions seems totally relevant, and I had never thought about it in this way before.

 

Thank you. I'll probably start a journal yes. So far I have read mostly presentation threads discussing issues similar to mine, and that's what encouraged me to sign up. I'll check out the other sections.

 

Okay, starting a no-porn. See where it goes. I suspect the "complete female persona pictured in normal porn is food for the sissy obsessions, so it may help.

Link to journal: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/ocd-etc.275073/