Not sure what square we are back to

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 4, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Oh jk my husband says he doesn’t have an addiction and that I’m being ridiculous and that the problem is actually my postpartum depression and that I am the one being malicious for wanting space after he lied to me again. He removed the accountability software we decided on and has become obstinate and emotionally hostile. My brain hurts. Why is this my life....
     
  2. Dra’rashii

    Dra’rashii New Fapstronaut

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    Sending virtual hugs. Addiction has a tight grip and it takes a lot of fearless self-reflection to break the cycle. After all, the addicted felt “comfortable” exactly where he was. Denial and blaming are classic moves too.
    Please take this day to take care of yourself, do something just for you. You matter, you’re important, it’s not your fault.
     
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  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    How could you @Vixen? This, all if it, is all your fault!
    He isn't kidding any of us who know better. Every bit of this bullshit? It's Gaslighting, and don't you put up with it for a minute. Are you executing your consequences according to your boundaries? Make sure you follow them.
    Don't put up with this either. Question for him to answer. Is he prepared to go down this path? Because his outright belligerence is going to cost him his marriage, his livelihood as he becomes financially responsible for both himself and you and the children too. virtually everything. Is this PMO denial worth losing everything that matters to him? If so, be prepared to let him go. DO NOT waiver.
    I don't know. Why was PMO my life? I often think, if I was never molested as a child, I never would have fallen down the path that I did. Nobody knows why we wind up on the path that we do. But the good news is, once we recognize we are on the wrong path, we can plot course corrections and make positive change in our life. My brain hurts for you. You have lots of support here, so don't hesitate to fall back on it. Here to support you!
     
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  4. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    The addicted personality is generally a total a**hole. Think of it as sub-personality. Once it gains the upper hand on the addict it will do whatever is necessary to get its fix. Lies, aggression, self-destruction. The person he was before this addiction developed into a strong sub-personality is subdued. There is no reasoning with that. All you can do is follow through in maintaining your boundaries and consequences and take every step to care for your mental/emotional stability and your kids.

    I hate it when I feel like porn is more important than love,commitment, respect, decency, fatherhood, etc. I hate how I act when I get triggered. I hate hearing promises and being unable to even contemplate believing them. I hate watching him fool himself into thinking he can outwit addiction.
     
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  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    What are you prepared to do as a response?
     
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  6. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    I hope you have a plan to fix this. Good luck.
     
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  7. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    The kids and I left for a couple weeks but I’m going to return tomorrow. Have to get back into routine for my kids and my freelance. Husband was very hostile about me taking the kids about halfway through the trip. Jeckyll and Hyde. He even referred to them as g*d damn kids on the phone last night in his rage. Aside from a toxic phone call last night I had stopped talking to him for a while.

    Upon my return I’m going to maintain distance emotionally and treat him like a roommate. Trying to respect the fact he’s my kids father despite him being so obstinate, gaslighting and blaming everything on me. I honestly don’t know how he can regain trust after he made such significant blows to our progress. He shows no remorse. Total bully mode.

    He still claims to be rebooting without any lapses. I don’t know if that’s even true... but if it is, I would be curious if his asshole behavior dwindles after 90 days. And maybe once the kids are back he will calm down. Butvfor the record he often tries to push me into leaving for trips and has before told me upon my return that I came back too soon. So I think he’s just being manipulative rather than actually missing the kids that much. When I left he said he felt bad for me and him but felt the worst for the babies. Just illogical BS to guilt me because the 7 month old twins are absolutely fine and oblivious.

    If he’s not an addict he’s definitely got Narcisstic Personality Disorder. No empathy. So much manipulation. I think he was enraged by not having any control over me being gone.
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2018
  8. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Ha, you’re great, Ghost. Thanks for your affirmations.
     
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  9. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    Oh Lord. The dram in this world makes the world go round.
     
  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Uh, wrong direction.
    Uh, Oh, HELL NO! "...God Damn kids..."? I'm sorry, but FUCK THAT! That is out of bounds. Two things here:
    1. Referring to his very "innocent" children as "...God Damn kids..."
    2. Rage while doing so
    NOPE, this is totally unacceptable on every level.
    Good, because his behavior doesn't deserve the dignity of an audience.
    I'd be more inclined to treat him like a hostile witness. Just remember, the whole roommate idea? Your children are looking, listening, and absorbing both of your behaviors. And when they grow up, they will mimic the behaviors they have learned. Better for you two to separate in a hostile environment than to stay in it. If he wants to act like a civilized human being, that's another story. "...God Damn kids..." is not acting like a civilized human being by any stretch of the imagination.
    None of these things are respectable. This behavior is very toxic. Show him the door until such time he can show civility. I'm saying this out of love and from someone that was so very uncivilized myself. You don't want your kids to bear witness to this unfolding. You want them to bear witness to this behavior will not be tolerated in our lives.
    He can. Now he not only has to recover ground he made up and lost, but also new ground that he created. It's not impossible. It may be improbable, but that all depends on him and his "Rock Bottom" status because it is readily apparent hasn't reached it yet.
    Reinforcement for the supposition he hasn't hit "Rock Bottom". The magnitude of the situation hasn't yet materialized in his mind yet. It will get there whether he wants it to or not.
    Let's see now:
    1. "...very hostile about me taking the kids..."
    2. "...referred to them as g*d damn kids..."
    3. "...in his rage..." (Anger? OK! Rage? Not OK)
    4. "...being so obstinate, gaslighting and blaming everything on me..."
    5. "...shows no remorse..."
    6. "...Total bully mode..."
    Rebooting without any lapses my ass. I don't know if that's even true either, but I do know that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, and tastes like a duck, in all probability, even if after 90 days, it's still a damned duck. Too many assholy(sic) behaviors to ignore.
    This, in my view, is NOT a position that you want to put your children in. To quote Dr. Phil:

    When it comes to raising children, Dr. Phil says there are two important rules for all parents to follow:

    1. Do not burden them with situations they cannot control.
    2. Do not ask them to deal with adult issues.

    https://www.drphil.com/videos/dr-phils-2-important-rules-when-it-comes-to-raising-kids/
    Yep, that is so convenient for the addict. Isolation! That IS a necessity to PMO BTW unless you're an active participant in it in which is an entirely different scenario.
    RIGHT! LOL, next time, if there is a next time, when he throws that illogical bullshit up in your face, say "OK, fine. You take care of the twins, and I'll be back in a couple of weeks". And pack your shit up, and leave for a couple of weeks. If you nursed, I doubt you're still nursing (it's a job to nurse one, let alone two beyond six months), then that won't work. But otherwise, it's "either put up or shut up"!
    Haha, BOTH! Most addicts I have ever met are devout narcissists.
    All of this? "...lack of empath...", "...manipulation...", and "...control over me(you)..." are #7, #8, and #9 on your list of garnishments for your duck.

    You've so got this. You have a real solid handle on what's going on here. You've come so very far and I'm so very proud of your progress. Remember this: He loves you. You may not see it through all of his addiction. But he loves you. His uncontrolled anger stems from his inability to be in control. It's not an excuse for it. It is an explanation for it. If rage is his MO, he not only needs PA/SA intervention, but anger management intervention as well. I did a breakout session on anger management, and it was one of the most worthwhile things that I did. In fact, I kept insisting on it at "Sex Camp", and my PT kept saying "we're not seeing that in you"...until they got to see it! LOL, then they took it seriously.

    Last, you know I love you and want nothing but the very best for you, your husband, and those beautiful twins. We all here do. Take care of you first. He is going to have to figure this out and learn how to take care of himself. His opportunities for your support are diminishing with each passing outrageous behavior.
     
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  11. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I’ve tried to reason with him to stay at a friends house rather than me have to uproot all three kiddos to get space. He says this is ridiculous since he is paying towards mortgage. Never mind that for most of our relationship (before kids) I was basically a sugar mama. I made more money and was happy to provide since I figured the roles would reverse one day. He has always taken that for granted and his behavior now is not very chivalrous.
     
  12. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Yep still nursing! I’m part wonderwoman.
     
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  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Excuse me, but it occurs to me, he needs a "come to Jesus" meeting. Does he really want to go there?
    It IS NOT his house. It is a house occupied by the four of you. It is community property (as in you and him own it collectively as it is a marital asset). I assure you, if he wants to get stupid about it, a Judge will be more than happy to tell him to pack his shit up and leave. He want's to be belligerent about it? Go get an order of separation, and drop kick his belligerent ass out the door. There is no reason with an addict. None. We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. It is obvious he isn't working on his recovery. If this is your boundary, do what you have to feel safe and secure in your environment, including, but not limited to, a temporary restraining order. If he is like most addicts, he'll violate it. And then he doesn't have to worry about a place to stay. He'll get three hots and a cot compliments of the local sheriff's office.
    Nursing twins! No doubt. I think you are aware that mine could only go for 6 months and for good reason.
     
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  14. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I just feel so detached and I don’t even care to stir up stuff right now. We had a big talk that began with his heaping helping of gaslighting, villainizing and talk of divorce but eventually softened into trying to make it work. But all on his terms apparently because he’s thrown out my ideas. Pretty much blantant disrespect to the accountability software which previously was helping regain trust. So I gave zero expectations. I need to do a list of boundaries/consequences so next time it happens he can’t villainize me for taking kids. But I just don’t even want to spend any more energy in vain. He’s trying to open up with talks and he wants physical intimacy but again, I feel totally detached. Not sure where to go from here. Books have reccomended waiting 6 months after discoveri before making serious decisions. So I guess I’m just waiting for his next Mr. Hyde behavior or a miracle.
     
  15. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Don't know what books you're looking at. The therapists I know all recommend 1 year.
     
  16. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Oh, ok. Obviously my moods fluctuate but at this moment I’m sad so much of my time has been wasted already. He had me on a shelf (neglected doll) for so long.
     
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  17. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    No no no, not wasted. Growing! You've been growing all this time and it has prepared you for where you are now. You are much strong er than you were even a couple weeks ago.
     
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  18. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps you are right. Thanks for pointing out that sliver lining. My awareness is certainly at an all time high and naïveté has shrunk. And truth be told ignorance was not bliss, so things are bound to get better eventually one way or another (drastic). My optimism is a bit jaded now so going forward feels more like a chore than it ever has before.
     
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  19. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Definitely sounds like an active addict to me. My SO has deleted the accountability software three times in the past 5 months. He knows I'm dead serious that if it's inactive longer than 5 minutes, or when we are not in the same room for any amount of time I am done. He does it to rile me up and make me upset during an argument, as he's never done it while we're apart as to actually look at P on his phone. You are very strong for even going back home knowing full well he binged the whole time you were away.
    I'm honestly amazed by your grace and kindness toward him during this time.
    I take Ghost Writer very seriously here. In fact the advice and insight are the only reason I've made so much progress on myself, and have been able to keep my footing.
    I know it's hard because we do love them. And they use this to their advantage. I agree that if he wants to act like a child and a belligerent ass you need to kick him out. Don't ever pack your kids up again. I'm not saying that harshly, I just mean he's the one screwing up, you and the kids deserve the comfort of home while he throws a tantrum. It is not his house, it is both of yours.
     
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  20. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Now is that not the petulant child? LOL, how old, or young as the case may be, to act this way? That is so so childish. That's precisely how the addict brain works. Like a damn child.
    WOW! I can only hope to live up to that expectation. Thank you @Katrina Rose. That vote of confidence does more for me than you can begin to imagine.
    THIS! I concur! Unless you just need to "get away", don't. He can leave.
    Another of his childlike behaviors.
    Exactly!
     

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