Not sure what square we are back to

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 4, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Oh jk my husband says he doesn’t have an addiction and that I’m being ridiculous and that the problem is actually my postpartum depression and that I am the one being malicious for wanting space after he lied to me again. He removed the accountability software we decided on and has become obstinate and emotionally hostile. My brain hurts. Why is this my life....
     
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  2. Dra’rashii

    Dra’rashii New Fapstronaut

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    Sending virtual hugs. Addiction has a tight grip and it takes a lot of fearless self-reflection to break the cycle. After all, the addicted felt “comfortable” exactly where he was. Denial and blaming are classic moves too.
    Please take this day to take care of yourself, do something just for you. You matter, you’re important, it’s not your fault.
     
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  3. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    The addicted personality is generally a total a**hole. Think of it as sub-personality. Once it gains the upper hand on the addict it will do whatever is necessary to get its fix. Lies, aggression, self-destruction. The person he was before this addiction developed into a strong sub-personality is subdued. There is no reasoning with that. All you can do is follow through in maintaining your boundaries and consequences and take every step to care for your mental/emotional stability and your kids.

    I hate it when I feel like porn is more important than love,commitment, respect, decency, fatherhood, etc. I hate how I act when I get triggered. I hate hearing promises and being unable to even contemplate believing them. I hate watching him fool himself into thinking he can outwit addiction.
     
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  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    What are you prepared to do as a response?
     
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  5. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    I hope you have a plan to fix this. Good luck.
     
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  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    The kids and I left for a couple weeks but I’m going to return tomorrow. Have to get back into routine for my kids and my freelance. Husband was very hostile about me taking the kids about halfway through the trip. Jeckyll and Hyde. He even referred to them as g*d damn kids on the phone last night in his rage. Aside from a toxic phone call last night I had stopped talking to him for a while.

    Upon my return I’m going to maintain distance emotionally and treat him like a roommate. Trying to respect the fact he’s my kids father despite him being so obstinate, gaslighting and blaming everything on me. I honestly don’t know how he can regain trust after he made such significant blows to our progress. He shows no remorse. Total bully mode.

    He still claims to be rebooting without any lapses. I don’t know if that’s even true... but if it is, I would be curious if his asshole behavior dwindles after 90 days. And maybe once the kids are back he will calm down. Butvfor the record he often tries to push me into leaving for trips and has before told me upon my return that I came back too soon. So I think he’s just being manipulative rather than actually missing the kids that much. When I left he said he felt bad for me and him but felt the worst for the babies. Just illogical BS to guilt me because the 7 month old twins are absolutely fine and oblivious.

    If he’s not an addict he’s definitely got Narcisstic Personality Disorder. No empathy. So much manipulation. I think he was enraged by not having any control over me being gone.
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2018
  7. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Ha, you’re great, Ghost. Thanks for your affirmations.
     
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  8. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    Oh Lord. The dram in this world makes the world go round.
     
  9. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I’ve tried to reason with him to stay at a friends house rather than me have to uproot all three kiddos to get space. He says this is ridiculous since he is paying towards mortgage. Never mind that for most of our relationship (before kids) I was basically a sugar mama. I made more money and was happy to provide since I figured the roles would reverse one day. He has always taken that for granted and his behavior now is not very chivalrous.
     
  10. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Yep still nursing! I’m part wonderwoman.
     
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  11. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I just feel so detached and I don’t even care to stir up stuff right now. We had a big talk that began with his heaping helping of gaslighting, villainizing and talk of divorce but eventually softened into trying to make it work. But all on his terms apparently because he’s thrown out my ideas. Pretty much blantant disrespect to the accountability software which previously was helping regain trust. So I gave zero expectations. I need to do a list of boundaries/consequences so next time it happens he can’t villainize me for taking kids. But I just don’t even want to spend any more energy in vain. He’s trying to open up with talks and he wants physical intimacy but again, I feel totally detached. Not sure where to go from here. Books have reccomended waiting 6 months after discoveri before making serious decisions. So I guess I’m just waiting for his next Mr. Hyde behavior or a miracle.
     
  12. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Oh, ok. Obviously my moods fluctuate but at this moment I’m sad so much of my time has been wasted already. He had me on a shelf (neglected doll) for so long.
     
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  13. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps you are right. Thanks for pointing out that sliver lining. My awareness is certainly at an all time high and naïveté has shrunk. And truth be told ignorance was not bliss, so things are bound to get better eventually one way or another (drastic). My optimism is a bit jaded now so going forward feels more like a chore than it ever has before.
     
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  14. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Definitely sounds like an active addict to me. My SO has deleted the accountability software three times in the past 5 months. He knows I'm dead serious that if it's inactive longer than 5 minutes, or when we are not in the same room for any amount of time I am done. He does it to rile me up and make me upset during an argument, as he's never done it while we're apart as to actually look at P on his phone. You are very strong for even going back home knowing full well he binged the whole time you were away.
    I'm honestly amazed by your grace and kindness toward him during this time.
    I take Ghost Writer very seriously here. In fact the advice and insight are the only reason I've made so much progress on myself, and have been able to keep my footing.
    I know it's hard because we do love them. And they use this to their advantage. I agree that if he wants to act like a child and a belligerent ass you need to kick him out. Don't ever pack your kids up again. I'm not saying that harshly, I just mean he's the one screwing up, you and the kids deserve the comfort of home while he throws a tantrum. It is not his house, it is both of yours.
     
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  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I 100% agree . DO NOT EVER PACK UP YOUR KIDS AGAIN !! You aren’t doing anything wrong . HE should feel displaced physically. You are already feeling displaced mentally and probably physically in the WORLD !
     
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  16. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Alrighty ghost. It’s getting awfully cold. Thanks for turning up the heat. Here are my picks:

    1. No Lying. Don’t make me have to explain to you what a lie is. (This is #1 for a reason)

    2. No PMO, or any combination thereof.

    3. No Gaslighting, villainizing or exaggerated pity parties.

    4. No Secrets that have any potential influence or impact on me.

    5. No Infidelity. Don’t make me have to explain to you what infidelity is.

    6. No Apathy meaning don’t ignore your role in your recovery and don’t make me have to explain to you what that is. (I find this to be one of the single most important ones, yet no one seems to list it as one)

    7 No objectification or ogling other women

    8 No fantasizing

    9 If you have a slipup, relapse, of any kind, you must notify me within 24 hours.

    Now what are a few options for consequences?
     
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