Not an Addict, but Not Happy

I haven't posted here in a long time. I'm an older guy, born in the 50's, married for 30 years. I have a great marriage but it has been purely Platonic for quite a few years; my wife had cancer surgery and two caesarians and I just lost interest in pursuing a sexual relationship. In fact I wanted to leave sex behind but it's not proving too easy.

So, I don't regard myself as 'porn addicted' in that I will go for weeks, and sometimes months, without any exposure. But every so often something will trigger an urge and I will generally then do it a couple of times. It's always very furtive and I always feel guilty. But I've been in this place for a lot of years. I keep telling myself that I've put it behind me once and for all - but then I do it again.

I put OpenDNS Umbrella on both my mobile devices, and the home network is on OpenDNS. And I really, really wish there simply wasn't any porn out there. But I've been a user, even if a low-level user, since 1996 (I remember the day!), so I'll turn off the blocker on my mobiles and view via 3g - as I said, not very often, certainly not every day. But regularly. So this habit still continues to rule me.

I consider myself quite a religious person, along Buddhist lines - daily meditation, observing the precepts. I feel this vice is just completely ruinous to that. About 6 years ago, I went and saw a psycho-therapist, but he couldn't do anything, other than listen, smile, and nod.

So I don't really know why I'm posting this here, I don't expect that it will lead to any changes, but there it is.

 

Maybe what I'm looking for is an accountability buddy. I haven't tried that.

 

I have lapsed a few times in 2017 - I think, 3 times. Here it is, end of February, so that is not great frequency. But, IT SUCKS. I get impulses and most of the time I can resist them, but not every time. Then I feel guilty again, I am practicing Buddhist meditation and porn is completely destructive to it. It's like spraying your rose garden with weedkiller. Give me strength Lord.

 

I have now turned on parental controls on iPhone and iPad using a PIN code that I have forgotten. That ought to help prevent impulsive behaviour.

 

Trying again, again.

I've tried parental blockers on my iPhone/iPad but the obvious problem is, I know the PIN (d'oh!) I have my home network on OpenDNS which definitely works - I can bypass it, but haven't done so. I really, really wish that porn just wasn't so freely available. Ultimately I know it's up to me, but I am habituated even if not technically addicted - I'll go weeks at a time, but then something will trigger the urge. But, no excuses. Now I've reset the counter. My fails are infrequent but inexcusable. Yesterday, twice, after some weeks.

 

Hey I just noticed this post now - sorry about that, don't visit here often. Yes, why not? That would be helpful, thanks. Don't know how to go about it, but definitely interested.

 

Thanks! Very kind of you, but another contributor has kindly offered to fulfill that role, so I have taken him up on it. All the best with it, there's bound to be others here.

 

There's a couple of OLD questions here, I haven't logged into this site for months. But I will answer those questions. I did mention, somewhere in the thread, that my dear one had cancer surgery 10 years ago. It was an cancer in the tongue, and I formed the view that it was probably caused by papilloma virus, which is genital warts, which I had transmitted. She recovered although it was major surgery then radiotherapy. But after that, I just couldn't relate sexually. She grumbles about it, and I try sometimes but I'm afraid it's hopeless.

There's another thing. I still do PMO, very infrequently, but still. That is why I signed back in. I try and stay off it, but I am weak-willed and things trigger it. Now I am determined once again, I really want to keep off it forever, I want it out of my life. But I know the 'inner lounge lizard' is still there.

 

No my wife never accepted that this was the cause - never blamed me for a moment. But at the time it occurred, there was press coverage about the upsurge in oral cancers and possible links to genital warts. It wasn't conclusive, but it sure as hell seemed more than a coincidence to me. She had no indicators or other apparent reason for that tumour to develop. Call it superstitious, but part of me believes that's what it was.

But then, my dear one had also had two previous cesarean births. After seeing her go through three bouts of surgery, I simply lost all sense of sexual attraction to her. I still love her dearly, as a life-companion and wife, but I'm afraid I simply can't feel that way about her any more. I think I have to adapt to life without sexual activity. Actually I think it is a kind of cultural dogma that everyone has to have a sex life in order to be happy. Blame Freud, I say.

 

Well, counter is at 0 days again. I have to be honest - I can't not want what I want. There's a big gap between what I should do, and what I want to do. Whenever I do, my conscience gives me grief, because I feel worthless and also - dammit - sinful (which is a word nobody is supposed to use any more.) I think the only hope for me is to go some place where there isn't the Internet.