nofap will set you free

I relive the hell I had created from my past. The results from masturbation/ejaculation. I didn't know masturbation and ejaculation was effecting me in a negative way. until I realized 17 years later looking up from the deep hole I had dug myself in. I always look back from time to time, to remember what I wanted and needed in a time i should have engulfed my 'being and body' in warmth, rejuvenation and completeness. I delusionally didn't want to be set free and now i need to live this life in misery I strive to forget. I keep an arm lengths distance from women, like a pressure ready to explode; with every inch closer. My despair comes alive at night when I lay in bed to fall asleep. Only when I sleep, my dreams are always nightmares. Insanity is a path you followed with the help of people who do not care about you. The end of that road is not the ultimate.