Nofap til death

I wont go into my whole story in the opening post, I might do later. I have been in this fight for over 12 years now. It is 6 years since the last time I had much success with Nofap. My best streak was 105 days and I have had multiple runs to 90 days, a dozen above 45 days and too many to count above 30 days.

I am still very much addicted after all these years. I struggled with mental problems from I was 19 really. I got some help after I turned 24. I then went on my 105 day run while in the psych ward. I can probably thank therapy and the fact that a lot of the crew there was young, attractive women which I could actually talk to.

After a pretty good year in therapy, I had some success both in studies and in dating. I lost my virginity right before my 25th birthday. I think it was the day before or something.

From there, I went on several more years of therapy. I just recently went to my last appointment. I spent a total 4 years in the psych ward and 7 years in therapy. I am diagnosed with multiple mental disorders. I might write about those at a later date but in my opinion, they are all pretty much the same.

During all these years, I have mostly wasted my life. In a certain sense I could say that I didnt know any better or I wasnt able to do any better. It has mostly been feeling like a dream. A bad dream for the most part.

I have been sexless for 6 years now. I know why. I have been fapping my life away and I have been too numb and unmotivated to change my life to the better.

I am 31 years old now. It is time to kick this addiction once and for all.

Today is day 2.

 

I was planning on journaling to map out my triggers and nail down a proper battle plan. I am committing to checking in daily. And I will write about all ups and downs. For now I am counting days, but if I for some reason continue to fail, I will switch over to a spreadsheet.

The main triggers I am aware of this far listed below:

- My bed. Staying in my bed for extended periods leads to relapse. It also makes it harder to sleep in the evening. Only valid reason to stay in bed is for sleep.

-Evenings. When it gets close to bedtime. My mindset is usually a lot weaker then. I just have to be alert when the time comes and be prepared to perform any necessary emergency measures like maybe a cold shower right before bed.

-Insomnia. Maybe my worst enemy. I struggle a lot with insomnia and sleep anxiety. I cant sleep without taking medication. My mindset is about 2x weaker during sleepless nights. I also have a tendency to think that if I fap, I will sleep easier. It isnt really a good approach. Proper sleep hygiene is a better way to go about it.

-Tiredness. I can get tired at any point during the day and that weakens my resolve. If I am very tired, it is best to just take a nap. If urges becomes unbearable, I need to snap out of it. Cold shower or some fresh air might help.

-Fatigue. I experience a lot of fatigue due to PMO in itself but I also have Fibromyalgia which gives chronic pain and fatigue. A way out of it is often to do what I was going to do despite not feeling like it. Working out for example. After a few days clean, I usually feel less fatigued. I might also get better posture due to spending less time online.

-Depression. Due to a lack of social circle and bad emotional control. It is hard to do much about it when it occurs but the best thing to do is usually what you want the least: Talk to someone, go to a public place. Treat yourself nice by taking yourself to a restaurant, the movies etc. Seeing other people being happy helps for me at least. Probably not for everyone but it feels less lonely to be around people even if I dont know them.

-Hunger. Being hungry increases urges. I am trying to stick with a diet but if I am hungry and experience urges at the same time, the lesser evil is to eat something.

-Scratching. While in bed, my hands automatically goes down there. I have to be mindful of this habit. The best way to avoid it is to spend less time in bed.

Thats all for now. I hope to uncover more soon. The more I am treating this like a proper addiction and not just some bad habit, the more I will succeed. I have done this thing before. I know how it is done. This time I just have to stick with it. I am willing to drop this addiction forever.

 

Day 3

Today have been better than yesterday. I had more energy. Went to the gym. Did a bit of house chores for the remainder of the day. Got rid of a bunch of old clothes that doesnt fit anymore. Spent less time on my phone than usual.

For the first two days, I couldnt look people in the eye at all. Girls, guys, it didnt matter. I could probably make a scientific study on this. It is literally impossible to look people in the eyes for the first few days unless I am forcing it. Today at day 3, I have a little less anxiety and while it is still hard to look people in the eyes, it wasnt as bad today. I kept normal eye contact with people every now and then.

 

Day 4

Went to the gym today as well. I just started the Keto diet. I am not planning on doing the diet past 12 weeks. I expect to reach my weight loss goal by then. I started focusing on weight loss and exercise about a month ago. I started at 118kg. Only day 2 of the Keto diet though. I went to bed hungry yesterday.

It is odd. I ate around 3000 calories and couldnt get full. I googled it and found out that it is probably not real hunger but carb cravings since I am carb addicted. The only thing I could think about before falling to sleep was noodles.. Today have been a bit easier. The most difficult part is to figure out what to eat.

Eating a diet consisting of 60% fat isnt that easy. Probably not healthy long term neither but at the very least it is a superb weight loss program and I will become more aware of carbs and how to avoid eating excessive amounts in the future.Today the weight showed 115.5kg. It showed 116.4kg yesterday. I am not sure if it is true weight loss or not but I am happy either way. My goal weight is 100kg. I dont want to go much lower. I am 6ft 2 and got a bit of muscle under my fat.

Eye contact about as bad as yesterday. My neck also hurt a lot. I have chronic neck pain. My neck pain got a lot worse after I started working out. I have been doing both neck, back and shoulder exercises. I hope the pain is only temporary. I will take some more pain killers anyways. I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia after all, and according to my doc there isnt really a cure although I dont 100% believe that.

No urges btw. I feel like my mindset is pretty strong. Been busy all day. After the gym I did some chores and I have been spending around 4 hours preparing and cooking some beef jerky. I have cut and marinated around 6kg jerky. I am currently air drying a batch. I am planning on eating some before heading to bed. Going to cook the rest of it tomorrow.

 

Day 5

Skipped the gym today. Woke up to a thunderstorm with my cat seeking shelter from the rain in my bed. I guess I was still getting used to the keto diet yesterday. Today I have been inside all day. My neck hurts like hell so I have been taking more painkillers than usual. Codeine and Oxynorm today.

I did minimal cleaning and spent all day air drying beef jerky in my oven while indulging in social media. I have a heavy addiction to my smartphone. The apps I generally use the most are Youtube, Tiktok and Reddit plus reading the news way more than necessary. I have ordered a book about how to break my phone addiction. A guy from my AP group told me to read it.

Not a lot of urges today. My mindset is quite strong.

 

Day 3

Had to reset the other day. I got triggered as I was preparing to put away everything I could associate with my PMO habit. Sex toys, condoms etc. I knew it was going to be difficult to put it all away but it had to be done. And I wasnt strong enough. The circumstances was less than ideal. I was struggling with insomnia and I was hungry at the time. Two factors which makes my mindset weaker.

I have cleaned my room and put away everything in a secure location. I have printed out a calendar which will be working as a spreadsheet. I have also printed out a model of the human brain with 90 segments on it. I will use a color pen and sketch a little each day.

I have been working out as usual. I slipped up with my diet so that too is starting over. I noticed my diet is quite expensive compared to what I usually eat and had second thoughts. It is more difficult to stick with than I expected too. I will commit to it for at least 8 weeks and re-evaluate if I should try a different diet after a while.

I have started a program to start using my phone less. The tracker tells me that I have been using my phone for 4 hours a day on average and that doesnt even count the time I spend on my computer. I am not as addicted to my computer. I have managed to use my phone way less and I am a little more mindful of when I use it now. I have a long way to go still.

 

Day 1

I made it to 6 days twice since my last entry. I have read 3 full books since then. I am really making a point out of creating good, solid habits. I wont magically turn my life around overnight but even becoming 1/10th of a percent better every day will make me 27 times better a year from now. I wonder what a version of myself 27 times more successful would look like.

I have read the witcher: Time of contempt, The compound effect and Atomic habits. I am on day 2 of meditating twice a day. I have meditated daily for a little longer but I just started a new counter for it. I have kept with my Keto diet since my first entry and I have worked out 3-4 times a week this month. I have also bought myself a step counter and am trying to set myself some walking goals. 6000 steps a day to start off.

I started intermittent fasting 3 days ago. I broke my fast yesterday and I am trying again today but I will keep my fast a little shorter to make it more achievable. The scale showed 113.9kg today. That was after my morning coffee. It is a new low for me. It means I am down 4.1kg so far.

My weight loss and exercise alone shows nice progress already. I am stronger and lighter than before. I am trying out a lot of other habits as well. 2 hours entrepreneurship a day, 1-2 hours reading, dopamine detox, 2x meditation, fix my sleep schedule and a few others. Half the work now is to properly establish my new habits. All wont fall into place at once and my willpower in regards to nofap is temporarily taking a hit. I spend all my energy on productivity.

It is a good thing. I am more busy and actually think less about PMO but I also experience more stress and have weak moments.

 

Day 2. Short entry from my phone. Looks like I have been on the Keto diet for about a month now. It wasnt perfect in the beginning but I have improved. I find it hard to stick with the diet when I am travelling but while at home I fare much better. The lowest weight I have hit so far is 113.3kg. I am down 4.7kg. I have to improve my fasting game. I have had a few successful days so far. I have been feeling overwhelmed with how far away I am from my goals but I cant let it affect me. My dream body is a long term project. It wont happen tomorrow. But much is done in a few months. I look better already and I feel good when at the gym. Nofap havent been going as well but my general momentum is in the right direction. Being busy and on a mission helps. It feels overwhelming in the beginning but my habits will pile up and I will beat PMO addiction eventually.

 

Day 11

I have been reading, meditating and working out since my last entry. I cant quite explain why I was more successful this time than my previous two months. I noticed around day 4 that I have more energy than usually. I was on my way to the gym at the time. I thought that I dont want to loose this energy. And that is because I am actually trying to get stuff done for once.

The less fatigued I am, the more successful I will be. I think this is an important point when trying to reboot. You need to work on building your new life. Hitting the gym 4x a week, meditating every day, reading a lot of books, do some chores and stay busy. Right now I am trying to build a website and dive into Ecom. My Biology studies is starting back up again soon as well.

Reducing my time on my phone makes me feel less bad about myself. Too much phone use can also cause fatigue. I am also pretty aware of my triggers. I have made it as difficult as possible to relapse and I am doing all I can to make relapsing the least desirable option. If I relapse, I have to print out a spreadsheet for August right away and paint a cross on it. Thats something I really want to avoid and the effort required makes it less tempting. Then I have many reasons to just stay clean. I have written down almost 100 reasons and I try to refresh my memory a few times a week.

The less time I spend thinking about nofap, the better. If I just forget about it for a few days because I am busy, thats the best way to rack up days.

Thats it for today. Hitting the sack now. I want to write one entry daily so I need to get more disciplined about it. Hopefully someone finds my thread interesting eventually.