For the last few months , I have been miserable and really messed up a lot of times. This happened after having broken up with someone which I loved very , I even felt that she was actually my first love. After her , I kind of messed up and went for another girl and I was really kind of cringy and I really want to go back in time and erase this really embarrassing moment and even ended up getting rejected. But I can't , so better take it as a lesson. I had also started smoking heavily . I never drank much before , but this time I passed out almost each night from alcohol. I felt lost and did not know what I was doing and where I was going , I just lived purposelessly . I continued to live my life as if nothing was happening to me , I even got better at some things but deep down I knew I was not enjoying anything . All I was doing was trying to pass the day. Anyway , after some time and while talking with my friends I realised that I had lost my purpose during the course of this relationship . Me and that girl had planned what we wanted and were striving towards it . But in this process , I had lost what I wanted to do in life . I managed to pull myself up after much effort and I no longer smoke , drink and have started meditating to clear my mind. However , while I was not going well , I also started masturbating a lot. And Masturbation is as addictive as smoking when things are going wrong. It helped me find comfort and feel better . But now , that I am doing better and have find my purpose again which is dynamic process , I realise that I do not need masturbation . Therefore , I am starting my NOFap Journey again (I had done it before.) My new habits include : - Meditation - Praying - Reading - Going to the gym - Fencing and MMA - Studying everyday - Skin Care It seems like a lot but reading , gym , Fencing and meditation have already become habits and therefore I do them regularly , rather I am trying to get better at them . How Fapping affects my life right now ? - Even though I try to maximise the activities in my day , fapping takes a lot of time . I wake up around 6 am everyday and do not get out of bed until 7hr as I fap in the morning . I waste a lot of time looking for porn even at night before going to sleep. - Fapping makes me feel guilty , I know I should not do it but I still do and I hate it . It affects my self esteem. - I feel like fapping makes me look worst than I actually look. - I believed that I used porn to fill in the lack of woman in my life after breaking up. - I feel like fapping affect my mental health , I had started ruminating a lot and have got anxiety . Why I want to stop fapping ? As I said earlier , I am working on finding my purpose and even becoming more spiritual . I don't want fapping to be part of my life again.
