No trauma after sexual abuse but life went to shit

I am, about that. I just wish I had a chance to become what I would have been naturally. That wasn’t what was meant to be and my life though conflicted is a good one. I am redeemed.

 

I agree with that completely. I sometimes wonder if who and what I am today has to do with my own individual choice or is it because of the trauma that was instilled upon me that was out of my control. Am I truly making these decisions because I choose to or is it because I am INCLINED to due to my programming? It can be very confusing and disheartening.

Well, no P is still a huge improvement! I have faith in you and myself that we can break this habit.

 

Probably some of both. Confused thinking because we had to think about ourselves differently but also making bad choices over how to cope with stresses, feelings etc.
I have to stop seeing my self image in terms of my sexual needs and equating my dick as measure of my manliness.

 

@Breadman exactly. It can be hard considering P programmed us that way. Doesn't help that the media still perpetuates this belief that our manhoods are measured by our dicks, how many women we screw and people we fight and how much money we have in the bank. It's hard not to play compare and contrast with others. I need to fix that

 

I just don’t want porn in my life. I think my use was mild compared to some but I was going places that both grossed me out yet stimulated me. I knew I had to stop before I saw myself as a real freak. Was enjoying the gay M and BJs too much and started looking for more extreme stuff.

 

@Breadman I myself am grateful that my addiction never got me that far into it. Mostly because I never let my curiosity get the best of me, let alone my horniness, for the lack of a better word. That must've been rough in the aftermath. I can't imagine the guilt and shame that would come after watching videos like that.

 

I too used exercising as a coping device. Ran marathons, 100 mile cycle rides, lifted weights. They became another addiction. Now since my knee replacement I’m more moderate. I swim moderately, do 1/2 hr. rowing machine regularly, road cycle pretty routinely and walk. OK I run 1 1/2 minutes out of every 5 mins. But I’m not supposed to run anymore but I love running.

 

Yes. The porn only lasted a short time. The guilt for days/ years.

 

I am

 

@Breadman I don't want this place to become an addiction. It happens when I start making accounts in forums.
Well exercise is exercise

 

I totally understand. Maybe talk that through with a spiritual advisor. I’d understand either choice you’d make.

 

How are you feeling about it nowadays? Does anything ever trigger those memories?
I know for me, sometimes when I'm with a woman, it brings me back to that babysitter and I begin to get extremely angry, disgusted, or I just shut down emotionally. I am still working on it, and I think like in your situation, has to do with forgiveness. I guess I haven't forgiven them yet. But I haven't been with another woman for almost half a year now, so I don't know if those emotions or memories can still be triggered. So I am not entirely sure if I am over this. Maybe I am, who knows.

I know it's been a while since I or anybody has posted on here in this forum.
Hope you are all doing well.