No flatline.

Ok guys, I've been avoiding this for a while now. But years of failure and wasted time have forced me to do this. I have a confession to make. This is something I have not seen anyone post yet and it makes me feel like a weirdo. Please let me know if you think I'm making sense. Ok, here we go. I have never flatlined. I think this is due to the frequency of my porn use. Not too much, but too little. I've been consistently going about 10 to 12 days and then going back to it. I've gone 30 days nofap before. But the situation was the same. No flatline. No feeling like dying for a week. No serious depression. Just...........nothing. it makes me feel like I'm making no progress. I feel like giving up. Let's be clear. I know what's what. I know to talk like that is stupid. Giving up is stupid. You gotta fail in life to succeed. But I feel like the emotional and spiritual part of my brain is just "done". I know I should quit. But I just don't want to. I see what it's doing to my life and my relationships. But I just don't care. I know what will be more fulfilling in life. But I just don't want to pursue it. It's like every fiber of my being is telling me to just give up. I know this is stupid and crazy. I know what this sounds like. BELIEVE ME I DO! But there's this stupid "chaos monkey" in my brain that keeps fucking things up. I don't have a good grip on the steering wheel of life. In fact, I think the "one hand feel" I thought I had just slipped off too. Now this stupid monkey is driving. "Stay up till 3 watching videos". "Don't get up, stay in bed". "Don't apply for jobs. Fuck that!". "That girl you like is not worth your time". "Those dirty dishes can wait". You know, when your life becomes a reality TV show except no one is coming to your front door with cameras and a game plan to force you into making something of yourself. I say all of that to say this. I'm failing at life. Not just porn addiction. I mean LIFE. Everything seems to be spiralling out of control. Not in the exciting way that forces you to make change in your life. The kind that slowly eats away at you slow enough to not be noticed. But over time, destroys everything that defines you. I'm addicted. Not just to porn, but to a self destructive lifestyle. One where I'm constantly buried in my phone or a computer screen. I don't hang out with people because when I do, they seem to be just as addicted to their phones as I am. So I tell myself "that's normal. Everyone is doing it." and continue down the path. I don't see any reason to change. There is no longer any appeal to living a "good" life(whatever that means). PS. There is no way in hell I would ever take my life so if you're thinking about calling 911 on me, I'm fine. I'm just really frustrated and confused right now. I relapsed AGAIN for like the trillionth time and I'm running out of things to blame. I'm actually really pissed more than anything else......................this is really long. *Sigh*. Um, help? What's wrong with me? I'm 25, single, out of school, living alone, not to brag, but there's nothing wrong with my looks, I work a job, take care of myself(physically. Mentally and spiritually, not so much), I can get along with others. Am I just overthinking things? And yes, I know I sound like a girl typing this. I need to stop being a little bitch. Your thoughts are welcome. Cheers!