"Nice guys" can exist on NoFap

In about mid-February I was on a twelve day streak, and I started talking to a girl from the Czech Republic who was one year older than me. We were talking on Reddit before that at the start of January, it was in February that we started talking to each other on Discord.

This girl wasn't attracted to me. She was still speaking to her ex and was crushing on another girl. Another reason was that I wasn't her type of guy. I wasn't confident in myself and I'm pretty average looking, although she's also not too gifted in terms of appearance.

We moved to Discord on my streak due to pandering. I was bragging on owning about being friends with the popular kids and how I feel as though I had to change my behaviour in order to for in. I then started speaking some absolute cringe about loving her and that I was crying because I couldn't have her. Because she isn't too confident in herself, she decided to speak to me to cheer me up.

Throughout our first Discord call I was flirting and teasing her. This escalated until we were pretending to jerk off to each other and faked having an orgasm. I know this because she told me that it was impossible for her to have an orgasm due to bring on antidepressants, although my interpretation from it was because she simply wasn't attracted to me. After that we became long-distance "friends with benefits", because she said before that she wasn't ready for a relationship (with me).

The second time we spoke it was pretty obvious of her lack of attraction to me. There were long, awkward silences between what I was saying and I felt a tightness in my chest (the same tightness which I had experienced the day before and intuitively mistook for being "butterflies"). I then tried to break it off with her. I said that we weren't each other's type and that I'd like to stop speaking to her. A couple of hours later I went back to her, pleaded for her to stay and I relapsed to her fake moans/orgasms in a "make-up sex" type of scenario because my ego was hurt from the "breakup". It's important to note that during the conversation we took an MBTI test and I lied about being an ENFP in order to impress her, for the obvious reason of sex.

On the third day I called her and demanded sex. She didn't agree to it and was offended by what I had said. My former friend expected to be treated with respect and argued against it, so I backed down and apologised by saying that "I got scared and turned my emotions off". To which she forgave me as what I had said held some significance to it. This was a manipulation tactic. Deep down I was holding out until August because that was when I'd be promised a visit. That was when I'd be able to act out the fantasises that I saw on the screen.

After we spoke for a few hours, I PMO'd to her roleplay and decided to make a post on NoFap about it. The thing is, I was so caught up in the moment that I tried to argue about it being a good thing. The community was very supportive of that- I got a few down votes and comments calling me a "pussy who fears rejection" lol.

I then decided to take a few days away from her in order to reflect upon what I really wanted (and to get a streak going because I thought that it would make me more attractive to her, and I even admitted this). In those few days, I actually remember feeling a sense of relief from being away from her. I started to question if I even wanted her in my life and I remember smiling at a cute girl (who smiled back and acted coy) whilst on a walk. I didn't speak to her though because she was with a dog, which was probably a rationalisation of my social anxiety.

We spoke again whilst I was staying up my grandma's and she sounded very uncomfortable by my presence- there were longer awkward silences and she was looking for excused to hang up every so often. I was convinced that this was because I wasn't on a NoFap streak and that these feelings would pass. By the next morning this attitude infuriated me and I insulted her, saying that she was ruining my life (when in actuality, I was ruining my own life) and that she had became my equivalent to her ex boyfriend. She stopped speaking to me then, so I spammed her with apologies like a "nice guy". She forgave me, but only so that I would quit doing that.

We spoke for another few days. Not much happened the first day after the argument, I deleted her from Snapchat behind her back but that was about it. She also switched to roleplaying scenes from porn and not the scenes that I wanted to do. On the second day, I admitted that I "got turned on by the thought of her sleeping with other guys". This gave her the excuse to start telling me about her roleplay sessions with her ex (who she'd probably had been seeing throughout our entire "relationship". The day after she didn't speak at all. So I slipped away. She didn't notice at all. I haven't spoken to her since. I "finished last".

I went another 40 days without PMO out of apathy, my ego was hurt so I wanted something to recharge it. Halfway through my streak I switched from being a "nice guy" to a "white knight" and acted like an asshole in every female interaction. I did string a few along, but I'd only talk to them on occasion because I didn't want to reveal my intentions of sex. Therefore, "I gained nothing from nofap and nobody likes me Boohoo" lol. That became my outlook and my reason of relapse.

This time I plan on recognising the ego, and crushing it before it strikes. I'm only going to enter into any form of relationship if I feel emotionally secure. I can do this guys, but not without your help in which direction I should go.

Thank you.