Newbie here to the NoFap community

Hello,

This is my second introduction post. I deleted my first one because I conveyed too much personal info. My mistake.... story of my life. I have been struggled with PM for over 30 years. What started out as an average teenage boy looking at playboy, hustler, high society etc. just ended up manifesting over the years. Once the internet was launched into our homes back in the early to mid 90's it became to easy to search and click for multiple unlimited images and videos. Wow like a kid in a candy store. I have been to numerous therapists regarding my PM but none were ever able to help or I just didn't want the help. Unfortunately there has never been a lot of resources for this type of thing. It wasn't until last week 1/12/17 that I moved out due to my daughter and wife's wishes because of my use of pornography, masturbation, manipulation and lies. This has been a broken record for the 20 years that my wife and I have been married. My daughter found this community and suggested it to me. I had no idea this place existed as well as others nowadays. So here I am. Last night I had a dream that I was masturbating. I rationalized it in the dream and had a wet dream. I woke up in shame and fear that I had done it again but thank god it was just a dream. I told my wife this morning in shame. I thought she was going to be mad or hurt but for the first time I opened up with honesty and she was really understanding. I am glad to be here!

 

Thank you for the warm welcome. It is so nice to have support in this from others with the same issues. People who can truly relate. This is an amazing place!

 

Thank you i_wanna_get_better1 for sharing your story. It is a pleasure to meet you. Your encouraging words of advice really moved me and I find it so amazing that you and I have such parallel stories. Hat's off to you for a year in since the reboot. That is awesome! I want to be able to do that.

 

Thanks D.J.! This is the right place.

 

Nice to meet you Ayjaydubya! So happy to see you doing so well with the help of this community. I really feel like I am already part of a new family that really cares and does not minimize my compulsions. I have never been able to tell another close friend about my PMO without them minimizing it or just plain laughing like it is normal.

 

Thank you Shin lu!

 

This might sound ignorant but I am leaning heavy on this community to start. I really have no game plan at this point. I am living this day by day. I plan to use this community as a tool to help me through those urges. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks Carl! It has been an extremely rough road for my family in this 22 year shit storm of manipulation and lies. This double life I have been living has done irreparable damage to my wife and daughter. I consider myself lucky to even be sitting here with them after what I have done. I am currently on day 54 PMO free!

I have spent a little over 30 years of my life Fappin'. Throughout those years the desire to achieve just a bit more of a Dopamine blast than the last has been a dangerous road. In search of something better than the last. Before I knew it I was spending an awful lot of time and wasted energy on looking for that next best thing. Unfortunately there is no next best thing. Just a constant feedback loop of fantasy, ritualization, compulsive sexual behavior and shame. Over and over and over and over and over again. Damn!!

I need to do a better job recognizing my triggers. Whether it be stress, alcohol, my dysfunctional family, anxiety, exhaustion etc. From I have really been making some hard changes (but with multiple relapses) since 2007. The previous 12 years with my wife I rationalized that it was normal and it was condoned by many friends and family. I didn't feel that I had a problem because of the enabling from everyone around me. The only one that had a problem with it was my wife, the one person who truly cares about me. Why couldn't I have listened to her? Probably because I didn't want to. I liked the porn too much. I wanted to objectify the hottest babe I could find on the internet and blow my load. This was pretty constant from 1999 to 2007.

When 2007 hit this was the year I realized that I was stepping over the line a bit. I was working at job that was one hour away from home and equated to 70 hours a week. I spent a lot of time on the road and was running out of places to really get my jack on. I also got the first generation iPhone, yikes! PORN in the palm of your hands, no pun intended. Well "Why don't we do it on the road"!!! Yeah I was jacking it on the road daily, sometimes twice on the way home to stay awake. This went on for probably 8 months until I busted for porn by my wife again. Thank god because I believe if I hadn't gotten caught when I did I probably would have killed some innocent person on the road due to my deplorable binge behavior. God there would be mornings were I would almost drive off the road into a ditch because I was so flooded with dopamine. I confided all of this information with my wife and retried therapy again for the third time. To no avail I was back at it (no more road PMO) again in a few months.

My wife has been such a saint through all of this and I feel so fucking awful and disgusting for the hurt that I have caused her. One would say "Then why do you do it"? Well isn't that the million dollar question. I really struggle with my guilt in all of this. My guilt has been a trigger for me and I know that. I just have to stay strong for a longer period of time. Unfortunately I have never been able to refuse it for one whole year since I started at the age of nine. The longest I have made it is 6 months and that honestly is what scares me the most and I know that fear is a trigger as well so I have to be mindful of that.

I have had some pretty vivid sex dreams like you too Carl. I had a wet dream about a week and half ago and I was masturbating in the dream. I was even rationalizing masturbating and contemplating "EDGING" so that I wouldn't feel bad, but I just couldn't hold off and just blew. Whoa! I woke up and thought "holy shit" I rationalized it and even thought of edging in my dream. Man this beast has it claws sunk deep. I felt really bad again and was told that this is not a relapse here in the NoFap community by i_wanna_get_better1. I have to say that this 54 days was easier than the previous 6 month stint. I know that the Dopamine Devil is around the corner and will try to drag me in. I just have to keep myself calm and in the now and realize reality not fantasy. I have control over my immediate reality, my inner being, the now, not some fucking fantasy. There is so much more but this is what I have for now. Thank you Carl and thank you everyone out there in the NoFap community. I love you all.