Newbie | 17 years old

I guess this is another attempt at normalcy in my life. I've struggled with anxiety, depression, etc, for the last three years, and I've never known why. I blamed it on weed, painkillers, existential thinking that led to dissociative behavior, and I even blamed it on fapping for a short time before ruling it out because it was so "normal" by men's standards. But now, it makes sense to me that'd it be porn since I've been looking at it since age 10. I didn't masturbate until I was 12, but I've been looking at hardcore porn since 5th grade. I felt bad for a while before completely dispelling all guilt and choosing to masturbate basically everyday since I learned how.

I've always been smart, and with a little willpower, I've pulled a 4.0 gpa in my high school career. But it's been getting harder. I've lost who I am. The closest term I can find to who I am now is a sociopath. I don't enjoy anything besides drinking and fapping(not together), I'm not attracted to women, and anytime I get intimate with one, it's so forced and I feel disgusted. I usually can't get an erection.

I don't love anyone or anything, I'm on zoloft just to manage my thoughts of despair, and I have barely enough motivation to stay in school. And deep down, I know it's porn. Because anytime I do stop, even for a few days, I begin to feel a range of emotions that are primal: anger, lust, fantasizes of violence. I begin to feel somewhat normal but with unchecked emotions.

I know I have to stop, and it's been only three days. I'm hoping I can find support here because I've never gone more than a week and a half. It's like even despite knowing the benefits of stopping, there's a voice that says porn will somehow help, and it's bullshit I know. I just want normalcy.

 

Well I'm new to this whole thing, so no, but it sounds like an accountability partner and a short term goal would be logical and helpful. How do I go about finding a partner?

 

That video is what got me to want to stop fapping! It makes so much sense, and the success stories are what drive me.

 

Thank you, all of you. I think my first goal is a week. It seems easy now, just imagining the feelings of thrill and intimacy that I have missed for so long. But I know it's not so simple. I made porn a daily thing, like it's crazy to think I used to be able to MO without P and just use imagination. Those days have been long gone since my fetishes took hold.

I will enjoy the pain that is to come, knowing that it's destroying the weakness in me. I've never liked weakness. And my greatest weakness was never realizing that I had such a devastating one. Once again, thank you and good luck to all of you.

kamibandit