New to the scene, need some advice

I've never been "caught," so I might not be able to speak as authoritatively as some others. However, I recommend two things:

1) Take full ownership. Use the words "I have a problem." You can acknowledge that lots of other guys have this problem, too, but that doesn't justify your own situation (If anything it indicates how pernicious this particular problem is in today's society.). You need to internalize the fact that you're an addict. You are the least qualified person to know what you need to do to overcome your challenges. But you're going to find people who do, and you're going to fight like hell to unwind the damage.

2) Implement full honesty. She doesn't trust you. I guarantee you her friends and family are advising her to think twice about marrying a man she can't trust. This looks different for different couples. In my marriage, my wife and I talk for awhile each night before bed, and I give her the God's-honest truth about how I'm doing, even if it scares or offends her. She loves me, she respects me, she is loyal to me. I am hers, and she is mine. We are walking through my recovery together. You and your fiancé will need to establish a similar pattern.

With that, there are plenty of resources out there to get started. I found this YouTube playlist super helpful: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL38uJEf-kRcaI0d2I9M_IjGWMFkHk8qCC

 

Hey @moon948, welcome to the forum.

Just over a year ago I told my wife that I'd been using PMO for the previous 4 years of our relationship. Early on I'd admitted to her that I "thought I might have had a problem with P". I got clean for a year only to then relapse and end up in a worse place than I was before.

I fully agree with @BreakingDawn, that you have to admit to both yourself and your partner that you have an addiction. Unless you accept that and understand that there's no going back then you aren't going to be able to properly recover.

Your fiancée will be experiencing betrayal trauma right now. I'd suggest doing some reading up on that and taking the time to understand how she's feeling.

For me, I had to prove to my wife that I was fully committed to my recovery. I started a journal on this site which I write in everyday. My wife and I talk about this together and it's often a starting point for discussions around how my recovery is going. I also read and posts on a lot of other peoples journals to try and support them through their own recoveries.

As a final point, it's important that the reason that you are recovering is for yourself not just for your relationship. Obviously fixing your relationship is a significant motivator to get and stay clean but you can't use relationship issues as an excuse to relapse.

Best of luck on your journey!

 

Admit to yourself: you have a problem, you are addicted to PMO. Lot's of good resources on this site to help you deal with this and save your life and relationship. Good luck.

 

All of the above as well.

You have to want to change for you - not her. And you have to own that change, not her.

There are tons of great resources out there - fortify is a good app, there are zoom SAA groups everywheree, CSAT therapists, and to a lesser degree places like this forum.