New to the community - Long time addict.

Hey all.

So i've been reading around this website for ages now and finally built up the courage to make a proper account and reach out for help.

A little bit about me and my story. I'm a 25yo unmarried guy, have been dating my Mrs for over 2 years and due to our beliefs we have chosen not to have sex until we are married.
Ive been an addict to porn and sex for about a decade and have been off and on again in working towards recovery.
About a year and a half ago I decided to tell my girlfriend that I had an addiction and our relationship has been paying for it ever since. I was trying to be honest and transparent with her and avoid having any secrets but I found that this only created insecurities, pain, distrust and what I see now to be as resentment. I can see it was a bit of a bone head move at the time and wish the circumstances were different but glad I came clean. She's an amazing girl and despite my disloyal lust, has stuck with me through the toughest of situations - I love her like crazy.

I went through a season of serious depression and anxiety, she was there with me through that. I tried to push her away and sabotage our relationship because I thought all of this was too hard. I thought I could do better than her and get the kind of girl you would see in those porno's we all watch and nit pick at all the things I didn't like about my lady to give myself an out. I can only assume this was my addiction playing tricks on me.

There was a time I went without porn for over a year but kept jerking it not really realising that "floggin' the log" was part of the problem. I am now in a recovery group and have been sexually sober for 12 days, Go me! (Pay credit where it's due I guess).

I'm done with all of that, I'm done sabotaging my relationship, done with porn and done with my restless "need" for lust. I want to marry my girlfriend and really hit our stride in moving beyond all of this towards having a really healthy and strong relationship. The road has been hard and will probably continue to be for a while, I'm ok with that, I understand that that's how it goes.

I have some questions and am hoping for some real direct honest answers to if someone can enlighten me...

For those of you more experienced with including your Mrs through the healing process did she resent you and how did you work it out? What were your strategies for getting over the hurdle as a team? How did you commit to her more as a man? What helped build trust again?
I'm still trying to be honest and transparent with her but I feel like she interrogates me, worries like crazy and I feel a little smothered to be honest.

Ive been 12 days sober and my nuts freakin' hurt, my back hurts and I'm pretty angry or frustrated pretty much 100% of the time. Is this normal? Maybe just part of the restoration process and will pass in time? I think it's pretty funny sometimes, but will this sexual suppression kill me?

I'm going to write a little more in depth about my story and start a journal on here but I thought Id ask a few questions and introduce myself on the forum before I really get into it.

Thanks.

- Zeek