Hi everyone, So I am 34 years old. To start, I was molested when I was very young (some time between pre k and first grade). I was raised by a strict (maybe prude is a better word) Catholic family (I dont consider myself catholic) and even at a young age I remember being so ashamed of myself that I never told anyone the things that happened to me. My family never talked about sex EVER. I remember being around 4 and dry humping a pillow and my mother getting very upset at me, acting disgusted and then leaving me there to wonder what I had done wrong to offend her so greatly. At some point after the first molestation, a neighbor boy who was only a couple years older than me, and a victim of sexual abuse as well, molested me in my backyard. This in itself wasn't traumatizing at all because he was also only a child and I recognized that, but my father caught it happening and became so angry at the boy that he flipped out at both of us. This was the point that I think I began to believe I couldn't tell anyone about the things that happened to me or the subsequent feelings I was dealing with internally. Though they are both good people my parents were going through a lot when I was young and fighting constantly. My dad had a terrible temper. He never hit anyone but he yelled extremely loud and slammed things and would have the scariest look on his face. I believe I started to disassociate and day dream constantly in the home because it was always very frightening to me...I could go on and on about the factors that I think formed me into the individual that I am but I will save you all from too much reading... Since I was molested at young age and made aware of the sensations associated with playing with myself, I began to masturbate even before I could ejaculate, without porn. Eventually when I was in grade school at some point I found an old stash of my uncles playboys in my grandmothers basement and began sneaking them home and masturbating to them. Then in 6th grade my family got the internet and it was all down hill from there. Throughout my experience, I have developed terrible depression and anxiety, and a number of Borderline Personality Disorder traits... Yet I am strong and have made it this far. I have a college degree, a 4 yr old son, a secure job with a fortune 500 company and a wonderful girlfriend who I have been able to confide in about my problems to an extent. She doesn't know I still struggle as bad as I do. I hide it from her out of shame. Shame is about the biggest part of it and I don't think being raised Catholic has helped me much there, as shame seems to be the main emotion Catholicism plays on. Once porn entered my life, I have been masturbating everyday. There has been some weeks or days that I haven't (mainly when I was younger, in high school and college, when I had more activities to keep me occupied), but for the most part in the past 20+ years I masturbate between 3 to 6 times a day. On really depressed bad days it can become even more than that. If I have my child I find myself masturbating before he wakes up or after he is asleep. My sex life with my girlfriend is barely a sex life at all. At times I find I have sex with my gf and then turn right around and masturbate 5 minutes later. When I get frustrated, bored, sad, anxious, depressed, I masturbate. Then even when I am feeling good sometimes, I sit down at the computer to do something completely unrelated and I end up going right to porn. I am always tired, I always lack motivation, I can never think straight. Masturbation leads to extreme feelings of guilt which often times brings me to drink and smoke marijuana in excess, over eat and mindlessly spend money at attempts of escaping the pain that is associated with it all. Even though I am 34 and have had my college degree for 10 years now, I have just recently found meaningful employment. And even though I have been with this company for almost three years, I still live paycheck to paycheck. What little money I have to save after child support and necessary expenses, I end up spending on alcohol, food, unnecessary junk, and sometime phone sex and humiliation porn sites... That is the other thing, all this has caused me to have a very unhealthy view of myself, leaving me feeling worthless and empty all the time. Anyways, I feel like I am rambling now and I think you all got the gist of it... I want a change. I always thought happiness was just going to eventually happen and things would get better magically on their own but at 34 I am realizing that they wont get better unless I make the change, and if I don't, I will just continue in this downward spiral, and maybe no one will ever notice but me, but I know that my quality of life is being hindered severely... Thanks Everyone for reading. Much Love
