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Hi, everyone.

I'm feeling heartbroken. My bf of almost 3 years has been relapsing at least the past 3 months and lying all about it until recently. He disclosed quite a bit to me a little over a week ago, and I've been reeling ever since. I'd already given him a couple of chances, and last time, I gave him an ultimatum -- it would be me or porn, not both. So, after his recent disclosure, I was VERY angry and pointed out he chose porn over me, that I felt I had no choice but to leave, and I even asked if he could help me leave. He was extremely apologetic and said he wanted to show me with his actions -- not just his words -- that he was serious. I was devastated, and so was he. It was a horrible night.

After some time to think and hearing some good advice, I decided I didn't need to flee just yet. It wouldn't hurt me to sit tight (I'm safe in my home), and I could give him a chance to SHOW me with actions he was serious about his apology and committed to his recovery. He's been seeing a SA specialist (though that dwindled down to 1x/month, about the time this relapse began) and going to a weekly group. I told him I'd like to see him going to his therapist more frequently to get through this relapse, and I also said I'd like for us to go to couple's therapy. He didn't flat-out refuse, but he has expressed financial concerns about investing in therapy. This is not the time or thing to be thrifty about!

Anyway, it seems in the couple of days after his disclosure, he focused on letting me go. He told me he realized he wasn't that happy in our relationship anyway, that he'd been lying to himself. WTH?!!! I hear a great deal of denial in so many things he's said recently, especially about the impact of his addiction on our family (he has 2 daughters we have 50% of the time). He's very resistant when I bring up his addiction, how maybe he'll have a different perspective after he's sober for awhile, how porn changes the brain. (He still hasn't watched "Your Brain on Porn" that his therapist recommended last November.) It seems he'd rather shift the focus away from his addiction now, instead focusing on his fantasy of providing an idyllic family to his daughters, which if you're part of a stepfamily, you know it doesn't work that way. So much is out of my control being a stepmom, it's frustrating! And their mom is extremely high-conflict, so it's better for my mental and emotional health -- and therefore our relationship -- if I stay away from her, which means I haven't been going to sports events where she's present, which bothers him.

Basically, I feel we're in limbo at the moment. He hasn't responded to my latest request for couple's therapy. It doesn't seem like it's completely over, though. It's obvious there's still a lot of love there. He's saying nice things and doing nice little things, but those things are meaningless without a serious commitment and actions toward REAL change. I don't hear conviction or determination when he speaks. I hear fear. I'm afraid he stepped back into pre-contemplation or contemplation after his relapse, and I'm not sure he's willing to do the hard work now to recover. It seems so senseless and sad to throw a relationship away that has so much good in it -- over porn. I hate this addiction so much!

 

Thank you for your response, INTL!

Last night, he had a different demeanor, finally. It seems group therapy and a little discussion with his therapist afterward helped him. He brought up couple's therapy! He showed his T the recommendations I'd gotten, including a couple's therapist at the same center where he's going. He said his therapist wasn't too crazy about either of them and recommended this supposedly excellent couple's therapist who does EFT. According to my bf, his T agreed with him it's not just about the porn. (I'm sure my bf loved hearing that!) What my bf got out of the discussion is the porn addiction is a symptom -- but that the underlying issues have to do with our attachment styles. His T said if we can create a more secure attachment between us, we could get through everything else. His T also recommended my bf reach out to one of the other men in group this week (something he has avoided, so we will see if he follows through).

I'm still very guarded. I told him I'd think about what his T said, and while his T seems great, I don't know him. He said we could meet with him if I'd like. Of course, it wouldn't be for couple's therapy per se, as he's been my bf's T for nearly a year. I'm concerned he's trying to steer me away from a couple's therapist who specializes in SA and who is a part of the SA center he attends. I'm afraid he could be lying. I basically want to know he is 100% committed to his recovery and see he's very clearly taking steps to reboot. I want to know what the treatment plan is going forward. I don't want to go to a couple's T who avoids the so-called "symptom." I want my bf to acknowledge how his addiction affects our relationship and therefore our entire stepfamily.

 

Thank you for the excellent advice, AA! I'm happy for you EFT has helped you and your husband when it comes to communication! Has it helped address the addiction issue? And how (if you have time to get into that)?

That's a GREAT idea to vet the therapist first. I'll do that.

You're right about some therapists enabling the addict. We ran into a problem with his first therapist who I discovered after several months had been treating him not as an addict but as someone with a normal habit that most men have. She had never even explained the addiction cycle to him! She also implied he was seeking out porn as a -- completely normal -- stress reliever due to unspoken issues with me. That's when I sought out a CSAT therapist, who he's been seeing (individually and weekly group) for almost a year.

I agree about the trauma vs. co-dependant models. I will not accept blame for this addiction that's been in my bf's life decades longer than I've even known him. Also, I'm definitely suffering trauma and the ensuing PTSD symptoms.

 

Thanks again, AA!

I just watched the apology from an addict video in your signature. I cried. I would LOVE for my bf to watch it and to truly "get it." Has your husband watched it? How did you approach him about watching it? I'm trying to pick one thing at a time, and this video might have gone to the top of my list.

 

Thanks, AA! I'm glad your husband has been PMO-free for over a year -- that's wonderful!!

My SO has always been receptive to reading articles, talking about the addiction (although he was lying the past few months when we'd talk), etc. -- until recently, after he relapsed. I think he is starting to soften up his defensiveness a bit, though. I've read and learned lots about psychology but still have lots to learn about addiction. How did you help your husband "get his footing?"