Hi all: So I've had a long time issue with addiction, food and sex/"love"/codependency/fap issues in particular. These last couple of days have been really humiliating. I've just come to this reality that even though I've been in 12 step "recovery" for years with food issues, I'm still a mistress and have serious serious issues with sex. I even acquired an incurable STI (HSV type 2... ugh) and that didn't slow me down. Anyway, here I am. Some people in the sex 12 step think fapping is healthy blah blah do it and just set other boundaries, but with me, I'm so desensitized and it's such a problem, I need to take a tip from IT and turn it off then turn it on again later. Really hoping to get support and goodness here. Thanks for reading.
What do you think is behind your addiction? You dont mention porn. Try and reflect on a few root causes?
I did forget to mention porn, though that is a big part of the issue. I'm utterly desensitized and now the whole process of sex and finishing and all of that is corrupted. Not that I'm morally against anything in particular, I just feel that I am not capable of forming a healthy sexual relationship because of my porn/fap habits among other emotional issues. As far as root causes... Mom left me in Russia until I was four years old, then brought me to the US where I had a very difficult assimilation period. Found food and crappy American food quite early. Eating the "right thing" made me feel like I fit in. Eventually I found masturbation and that zoned me out and I liked that too. I paired the two and had a cycle going since I was in middle school. Shortly thereafter I found sex and that gave me the social aspect. It's like Maslow's hierarchy of dysfunction... Other issues--bulimia, body dysmorphia, and somehow sex and even porn and masturbation made it seem like I was a more attractive, want-able person. I guess I should note that I AM a relatively attractive person; I just only feel that way when I'm getting validation either from real or imagined people. Any thoughts on that? Thank you for the reply.
These sound like serious issues asdf. I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to rely too much on amateur advice. Though it sounds like youre already in some therapy, which is great to hear. You need to get convinced that you're more than just your looks, or your clothes, food or sexual conquests. If you cant see that, that's cool, you're unique with a complex past, but trust that there are mental health professionals that can help you... There's a void in all of us that, even if we could compress the whole universe and all it's 'stuff' down, it still wouldn't fill it.
Oh gosh, yeah, of course. I see a psychiatrist (diagnosed bipolar a few years ago) and a psychologist. I've been to rehab for the eating stuff so that helped tremendously. I also have a sense of self outside of my history but right now I'm seeking help so history is at the forefront and my research, studies, company aren't quite as valuable at the moment. By the way I don't know if you yourself happen to see a therapist of some kind, but therapy is limited. I really love my therapist and she's brilliant and very helpful, but she's not there for support 24/7 and sometimes that's needed. It would also be inappropriate for her to give me personal advice on what she has done to recover (if anything). So, yes, you're right--mental health professionals do help and I do believe you--but there's a place for communities like this which is, of course, part of the reason why they exist. By the way... night one was a success! Thanks for your late-night responses.
Some of the 12 step anonymous programs say masturbation is fine. I like the hard line of sexaholics anonymous. If I masturbate at all, then I am not sober. Good luck with your reboot. I am a grateful recovering sex addict recovering for four years, sober from lust itself for 16 days.
