New Day, New Year, New Me, New You!

I’ve been suffering a lot lately and really need to eliminate this habit for the holistic good of my life.

I’m looking for people to join me on a new year’s commitment and accountability group.

Let’s get our super powers in this new year!

 

Three days in, and so far so okay. Still haven't done PMO, but definitely feeling more pressing on the libido. I'm trying to channel the energy but find myself lost in sexual intrigue. Lots of seeking behavior even when my gf is around. Talk about mentally ill!

Best I can do right now is stay in public and write, or try to stay busy at home with domestic responsibilities. I'm due to volunteer tomorrow so that will keep me safe for six hours and I might clear four days. (My record is about 48). I'm also scheduled to meet a buddy of mine after volunteering so I know that tomorrow will be safe for most of the day. It's the evening I'll be worried about.

Just here to speak to the cyber verse and admit to my yearnings and doings. I want to remind myself that I haven't PMO'd since last year!

 

I was so eager to restart/reboot it's likely I placed this thread in the wrong forum category which may explain the lack of interest in joining this accountability group. Or maybe I set it up too late. At any rate, this has become more of a journal of my progress.

I've been reeeallly been struggling with libido and intrigue. I even did seeking behavior around prostitutes/sexual scammers.

It's really disheartening but I have yet to act out in my usual pattern and, if I've learned anything about behavioral modification is that breaking the pattern helps clear things for new patterns. It's only a matter of time that I find a healthy alternative to defaulting to sex seeking behavior.

I'm over four days of no PMO, so that's something.

 

So I've cleared five days. Not feeling tremendously accomplished. I have done a mediocre job in replacing or refocusing the energy I've devoted to PMO in the past. Most of it is simple procrastination. Example: obsessing over a jigsaw puzzle, distracting myself with sudden but unimportant tasks then there's when things get really bad: I end up in sexual pursuit or intrigue.

Example, today's plan was to attend an online recovery meeting, shower immediately after, get out of the house to a café and finish (or at least make progress with) an online course I've been far too slow at completing. And then to do some writing.

What happened instead was, while I followed through with the meeting, I worked on a jigsaw puzzle my gf began together (one that she quickly lost interest in due to its difficulty). I worked on it for about an hour (which was an hour too much). Only after that did I get ready for a shower and then sat in the bathroom using a text app to mess with prostitutes. I finally peeled myself away and got into the shower only arriving at the café around 3:30 p.m. Ideally, arrival should have occurred at noon at the latest. That's over three and a half hours of life my disease sucked away.

Now I'm not going to beat myself up too much. Even this vent/rant is somewhat of an avoidance of my planned schedule. But, it occurred to me that I might format these entries into what I plan, and what actually happens. And beating myself up is what "the creature" (my addiction) wants me to do so that I cave to my addiction in some fashion.

One thing I'm noticing while at the café is that I'm like ADD for all the attractive women-- I mean someone moves out of the corner of my eye, and I immediately have to check to see if the person is a woman and whether she's attractive. The creature says, "See? If you'd just rubbed one out, your libido would be lower and you'd be less inclined to give into the need to check out women." Fuck you creature. I'll get into a healthy groove if I practice a life of mindfulness and healthy action.

It's a new now. I'm going to make it the best that I can so that my future is improved.

 

It is at this point unless anyone wants to join me for checking in/accountability.

 

Didn’t even get a chance for a plan.

Woke up with one of my hybrid headaches at about 4:30 a.m. Did the usual things to address it and dozed but didn’t really sleep. (On four hours sleep currently).

I’ve mild headaches all morning and would love relief through PMO, but I’m holding fast.

 

Well despite not giving an entry everyday, I've made it a solid week. Despite my forays of intrigue, I've managed to stay the course.

I feel as if I'm becoming less tempted and distracted. The big challenge is more about physical health and how it's complicating my discipline. I'm often awakened at night with hybrid headaches (combo of a cluster and sinus headache) and, after treating myself with my regimen, I'm wide awake with the default rationalization "just rub one off and you'll be relaxed enough to fall back asleep."

And since my brain goes there, but I avoid looking at porn, I end up with an elevated libido which is when my obsessions are rerouted to other sexual intrigues. But, as said, I'm less distracted.

Currently at the cafe and less distracted by the other patrons. I'm still finding it difficult to focus on the job at hand (online course), but at least the distractions aren't sexual. I'm hoping that in time I'll be less distracted in general.

 

Haven't checked in for a while, but still going. Going strong? Not so much. But hanging in there.

Going from really taking advantage not wasting my time with PMO, to utter lack of focus and intrigue.
Sadly, if I apply the reality of being as old as I am, I'm able to realize that I'm invisible and it kind of makes it easier to ignore the "temptation" around me. And yes, it's only a faux temptation as I've never had the nerve to simply approach a woman, nor pick up on when a woman signals interest.

And the days of marketability are behind me. In a way, that's a good thing. But at any rate, I've made it to 11 days. For now it's one day at a time, sometimes one hour or minute at a time, but right now I'm secretly hoping to make it to two weeks.

 

While this thread began originally as call for accountability partners, due to lack of interest, it became a journal.

I considered moving it to an age specific thread, but really, other than the invisibility of physical attractiveness men of my age are faced with, the coping with the addiction is pretty much universal.

That said, my counter is still accurate! I've been away from the site for a week but have been away from PMO since the beginning of the year! I'm so glad I decided to do that. This weekend, I'll be discussing with my gf my motivations for doing this, and the reasons for my past PMO use.

I'm hoping I can continue shedding these layers of unproductive/unhealthy coping mechanisms. I'm drug free for over 19 years, smoke free for over a month, and now PMO free for over two weeks.

I still feel lacking, but I'm willing to bet it's because I've done little in the way of replacing the time I spent on these unhealthy actions with fulfilling pursuits. I've so many interests, but for some reason, I don't do any of them! What's wrong with me?! At least I'm here typing this. That's a start.

All I know is the loneliness is killing me. I invite and welcome anyone to share what's going on with them in this thread.

 

Just a quick note to say I’m still alive and doing okay.

Scale of 1-10 as far as desire wanting to use PMO is about a four.

Given how long it’s been, I count that as a win.

 

I can't remember what my last record is. I think it's about two months.

This run seems much more challenging. I'm edging quite a bit. No outright porn, but definitely some suggestive pics.

I've been conversing with a woman I have a history with who's also a sex counselor and have theorized as to motivations for my sex and porn addiction. Not only mine, but the desire for many to have meaningless sex.

Definitely some good conversations, theories, and ideas.

Still, it hasn't curbed my desire to, at the least, MO.