Never mind, another pathetic attempt to lift off these troubles or maybe just a ploy to get attentio

I don't know why I'm writing this. Tbh, I wish I could trade my personality and experience for something more valuable. I'm kind of sick of writing posts like this, because it doesn't change anything and makes me tired of living on this damned place even more.
I'll start off by saying that I don't believe in personality types and don't believe in psychology as a science. I prefer sciences that use empirical evidence, such as physics, math, etc(with the exception of philosophy, which I find intriguing.
Anyway, for years I've noticed that I can tell how someone thinks of me with 60-70% accuracy. But it's usually much higher, up to 90-100% if they have some negativity towards me. The funny part is, that people are such weird creatures that very often, they don't like you for nothing. I mean, you never talk to the guy, but he thinks that you're inferior to him. Granted, most of these people are really dumb, because a smart person doesn't even care if you exist because he's too busy handling his own affairs. I once read in a psychology book(not surprised, are you) that there is a chance that they somehow feel this way because they think that the feeling is mutual. The takeaway was that you should try to think positively about a person, imagine you two talking and laughing, storing this image in your head and remember when you meet them. There was some explanation to this, similar to this one: There's another level of contact, perceiving; may be they would start noticing that you're actually (surprise-surprise) not that "bad" and will treat you differently. I don't remember how my experiment with this went, but I didn't try it ever since.
Anyhow, it's so hard being introverted. I'm not an introvert per se(I don't enjoy close groups, au contraire, I love being the heart of the party and am social at heart(wishful thinking). I've made some nice friends 2 years ago, and my life did change for the better, because I was finally able to be the real me, who was chained up inside, being afraid of rejection(ironically being misunderstood very often and eventually, rejected). This contradiction was always a cause of pain for me. I remember being at events(having a sincere desire to stay) but feeling completely alone and leaving from this very uncomfortable situation but later feeling extreme sadness and pain inside. It wasn't merely physical, but something beyond my comprehension, I wanted to cry to feel better but couldn't. Sometimes I think about my past thinking and imagining what kind of life/person I would be if I didn't ran from all those challenges. Some of my classmates, who had a chance to see me outside of the classroom were telling me that I'm a completely different person, and I felt a sense of admiring and sadness with which they said it. Sometimes, very rarely, I'm behaving absolutely different than usual and I love that guy. If I had a chance to change, I'd choose that guy over usual me.
Sometimes I feel someone else was living all these years for me. It seems like I know nothing of social relations and how does one conduct himself, not to come off as himself but someone he'd personally respect. Man, I hope this isn't gonna kill some sensitive, depressed guy reading this(assuming there's one). If only I could just wipe out my memory and be literally reborn as a new self. There was a real story about a woman, who lost her memory completely in Charles Duhiggs' book on habits. Who cares anyway.......
I hope that these crazy thoughts won't affect my PMO struggle. I've finally came up with important reasons behind this and want to reach the 90-day goal to see what it brings about at the end. One of my deepest fears is that I'll die regretting about my life. I sincerely wish that this world will have some kind of a sci-fi future. Traveling to another worlds, transcending human nature to become something else, something like that.