Need advice... been trying for 4 years and Haven't been able to reach 90 days clean

Could it maybe a psycological factor because at 2 months you feel that you're close to your target? Maybe try to set the target a bit forward, like 4-5 months and see if you then can make at least 90 days.

 

Yes, ancient people M’d, and abused sex in other ways. In 1st century Rome, the baths, the theaters, the public buildings, were covered in frescoes depicting erotic scenes. An enslaved prostitute could be rented for the same price as half a loaf of bread. Most citizens, though, thought this was the low-class way to satisfy their urges. They preferred to use a personal slave, and their wives even encouraged this practice. In modern times we use Internet porn, which is different but has many parallels. Both are bad for both parties.

It is also true that other times have made it less difficult for men to abstain from predatory and self destructive sexual practices, but that’s not where we are now. Permissive culture and easy access has enabled us to abuse ourselves, to the degree where we notice our quality of life eroding away. By the time we realize we should put a stop to it, we find we’re already too far gone. Or so it feels.

Keep your journal. Notice when you are compelled to use P the most. Odds are there’s a constant background desire that ebbs and flows, but it spikes with visual cues of eroticism, and when you become stressed. We have a tendency to deal with distressing feelings by burying them under the heady rush of erotic fantasy combined with self-stimulation, which is a powerful feeling and effective for distraction… but does nothing to help us process and resolve the stressful situation. We habituate ourselves to this avoidant strategy, and lose our resilience in the face of adversity. We become increasingly fragile, until we can’t deal with simple problems like a long work day, an altercation at school, an unmet expectation, without feeling the urge to browse and masturbate to make it all feel better.

The solution to the first problem, of witnessing erotic visual cues, is simple. Stop engaging behaviors that make it more likely to see them. Avoid films and shows that display women as hyper-sexual objects, avoid places and times where women are more likely to dress provocatively, and most important, avoid social media platforms where you, as an addict, have built an algorithmic pattern designed to serve up soft pornographic reminders. The world, it turns out, is less erotically charged than you think. Avoiding these triggers does not eliminate the need to power through, or “white knuckle” through the day, but it does reduce the triggers to a more manageable level.

The second problem is more difficult. Like with visual triggers, you can reduce the amount of distressing situations by being aware of what causes you stress and managing those effectively. Plan your day, for instance, instead of allowing yourself to be swept in a cascading series of emergencies. If you notice interactions with a friend or colleague correlates with increased stress and urges after, reduce your interactions with that person, if possible. But that’s the trouble; some stress is unavoidable. The real substance of this discipline is building personal resilience in the face of adversity. You need to develop strategies to resolve rather than avoid stressful encounters and predicaments through PMO. You may find it necessary to deescalate your body. Take deep, even breaths, because you don’t make good choices and can’t process well when you have low oxygen in your blood. Identify what is stressing you out. I like to identify the worst possible outcome, because it often turns out to be not that bad, and not even likely. Then identify the most likely scenario, then make plans how I can realistically change it, or prepare for the outcome to mitigate the damage dealt to myself. This returns all that agency you lose when you run away from problems, by watching porn. Then comes one of the most important steps, which is remembering you did a good thing by slowing down and addressing the problem. Remind yourself of this success again, after you implement your plan, and again when it has a positive outcome. Or, even when it doesn’t. Even if you fail, you can truthfully say you tried. You did your best, with the tools and knowledge available, and you are not the kind of person who passively allows things to happen to you. You take it on. So even though you sometimes fail, you are establishing a pattern that results in more success.

There will always be low grade urges. We’re human. Sexual desire is, for better or worse, part of the package of our mature existence. Efficiently strategizing through triggers, though, and putting those strategies into practice, will reduce those urges into something you can manage.