Need advice - afraid I have ruined myself

Hi @betterlife1, you answered your question already.

That's it. Give your overwhelmed brain a break, clean those brain cells of all those pixels and fantasies, forget women for now, forget men for now. Go hard mode for 90 days, make that reboot and then things will fall into right place naturally. Don't worry about size unless you want to be a pornstar hehe. For you bud your life will be pornfree from now on. One day at a time and you are bound to be successful and liberated and become the best version of yourself. Make a plan, focus on who you want to be, where you want to go, work on recovery on a daily basis, be grateful for what you have and know you can make it. It won't be easy but well worth it. You will be excited

 

I second what @Spontifex said.
Before overthinking on any of that, do your best when it comes to getting the warping influence of porn out of your life and then you can look at everything from a different angle.
Makes no sense to think too deeply about it in your current state of confusion, shame and frustration. Even though our mind REALLY does not like the state of confusion and tries to find answers like crazy.
Take a break. Get away from it ALL. Recalibrate. And then take another look in a more calmer, detached state.

 

I think you did a brave thing today by admitting all of these insecurities, and you came to the right place for advice.

I agree with the others and that you should do hard mode for 90 days and then think about things. You will see so much clearer.

 

An evolving oral fetish (male to male) can also mean that you have uncovered within yourself a certain hunger (aka, oral) to strengthen and reclaim your own masculinity, even as injured by P, from past bullying, any kind of male bashing, or any manner in which one has acted less than manly. One obvious, direct "symbol" for restoring ones masculinity is imbibing it from another alpha male - that kind of thing, the obvious image being giving oral to a male member - as in taking that manhood into yourself. But, this may not have anything to do with sex at all or being gay at all or anything like that. It is rather a recognized inner need to find healing within yourself in your masculine side - you need nurturance and self-care in that area, so to speak. The actual dirty deed, whether real or imaginary, doesn't and wouldn't ever in fact solve that problem. It's a matter of your masculine spirit that far transcends matters concerning the genitals, actually. This is why sexual addictions or PMO ultimately do nothing to sooth such wounds either - they only numb and distract and divert one's attention to another pain, like relapse and failure. Sort of like cutting, if a man is wallowing in the shitty cesspool of PMO relapse, he doesn't need to feel the real pain of what's underlying his addiction in the first place. And, of course, porn can and does ultimately twist our thinking and ideas and makes us more inclined to imaginative fetishes, which are of no help. Be well, my friend, your experience is quite common. Do not focus on what it might fearfully mean in your surface thinking, but do well to work toward overcoming your addictions and vices and nurturing the true inner man that you are. Best wishes!
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