-- Warning -- Rough language and there may be triggers in this story so read with caution. I want to type and share my story. It's about 5AM and I'm at the computer because of the same old shit. I'm new here so I don't know if I can swear in text but probably yes since we're all adults here. I'm 27 (at the time of writing this) by the way. What I'm about to tell here is basically a textbook example of porn addiction, something I got so fucking scared about when I started researching the subject that now I want to change this back. I will start really back in time, when I was a kid. Cyber cafes were getting popular, I was in the equivalent of.. High school? I don't know, I'm from another part of the world. I was 12 at the time and with some school buddies, we'll sneak out from class to watch prn on public computers. We had a blacklist of cafes were we couldn't watch that because of filters or because the computers were "too public" (monitors facing anywhere but a wall). That was not my first contact with porn, I saw magazines before, but the first time watching the endless sea of porn that is the internet. There was a website where it all started, it had an easy to remember name and a daily feed of pictures and videos of vanilla porn on the main page and at the side there was this category list which, as a kid, I never bothered clicking. I got off with vanilla stuff, then I got kind of bored a few years later. That is where everything starts going downhill. Yeah, I clicked the button, switched the vanilla stuff to gay porn, instant boner again. My porn life was saved or so I thought. After the years I got used to watch all kinds of porn but got bored really quick with the porn that doesn't make sense and didn't even made sense when I was a kid, the "studio" porn. I could beat it to amateur vids and pics and enjoy the experience or try really hard to get off with studio porn because the format was really stupid. I consumed more "real life" porn because I enjoyed vids with foreplay and respectful sex instead of ass-beating and name-calling so often found in canned porn. About the gay stuff, I interpreted it just as a way for two men to get off, nothing more. I grew to dislike the male penetration part and watched more stuff like hj, 69, frots and jo's. Basically 2 men being sexually playful. I did edging, for hours. If something happened mid-edge that won't allow me to get off, I'd get such blue balls that they hurt the whole day. I also did porn marathons where I'll get home from work, eat then surf porn while jerking from 5PM to 3AM. After that is so hard not to get blue balls that I dropped at least 3 loads after the session. I had sexual experiences with girls and also with dudes, that's why I'll define myself as bisexual. With girls I got one night stands and found really hard to keep a girlfriend, I never "made love" to a girl, I never found "the one". With other guys it was just jerking off to porn. I also used to download heaps of porn, starting with 200MB per night to 4GB. I had a stash that I shamefully deleted after some time just to start hoarding porn again. Now, the most fucked up shit happened a few weeks ago. Get ready because this is really, REALLY fucked up. This made me open my eyes to my -far from normal- reality. I found a website inspired on fapping, the website was very mutual-jerk friendly and people posted messages looking for people to join them on fap sessions and it also had a chat. I got really turned on by the idea but nobody was from my area so I stayed there chatting. That is where I got introduced to cam sessions. That is, fap with somebody else over skype using webcams. I got into a cam session with about 6 dudes from that website, enjoyed it a lot, one of them came and then all others got disconnected. Another week I got into another session now face to face with just one dude. We got off so hard that I had to fap again after turning off our cams. During the week I was so turned on by this that I installed two sex apps on my phone to find people in my area. This was during a week where I had midterms at the university. This got so out-of-control that when trying to study at the library, the only thing I was thinking about was to get back home and fap, chat, cam and stuff. It was literally impossible to study. I couldn't keep my mind clean or even focused on the midterms. I got home, opened the website, called a group fap, got aroused, came buckets. Fast forward one week, failed my test and thankfully, reality hit me, hard. It was disgusting, I was ashamed, I proceeded to delete my accounts, all the porn hoarded on my computers and start on NoFap since october 18. There is a lot more to this story, way too many things I want to share but I feel horrible and dirty just by going back to how things happened. Also you can guess this is not my primary language so there are a lot of grammar errors and stuff. Any person will be scared, ashamed and will fear to share such intimate events but I think that keeping this inside will hurt me more than anything, part of the addiction is the secrecy of events. Putting all this out relieves a little bit of the pressure.
Welcome to nofap. I am not bi, but a number of your points do resonate with me. I can binge with the best of them. Back in college I think I had nearly a whole year where I finally got a single dorm room and I can remember how my mind nearly went crazy (I learned many things, not just porn luckily). I am glad you have found this site earlier than I did! Best of luck to you and I agree it is better to get your story out in the open to see what you are up against.
if you ever want to talk im here for you.you can message me anytime.I was also at the place where you are now where i made a big mess of my life but i know how good it is to be totally free.
Hey Kyoheix, thanks for sharing your story. I'm also new in this site, and I saw many parts of myself in your story as well. You're not alone, the nofap community is here, and we're all in this together, to get our lives back, so let's do this!
I respect your story and I don't want to be rude, but you might want to put some kind of warning like "triggering vocabulary" or something like that in the title. Thank you. Sounds like a pretty hc transition from vanilla P to the more extreme stuff, but still quite typical I'd say. As Septimus said, you're not alone. I dare say that you are in good hands here, amongst the caring people of the Nofap community. I wish you all the best.
Thanks for the support guys, and I'll add the warning. It was my second message in the board, I didn't even know what triggers were.
