My three questions - Active Recovery Exercise

Hey Fapbrethren,

The term 'active recovery' is used by quite a few people to point to not merely resisting acting out, but engaging in a serious inner search of our reasons for acting out, as well as for ways to affect our thinking about porn. We want to offer a better reality to ourselves, and alternative coping mechanisms in order to prevent relapse. We can't ensure this by just not touching our dicks. I heard this term all day as I went through Matt Dobschuetz' great podcasts (give him a listen @ pornfreeradio com, or "Pornfree Radio" on iTunes). He speaks about the need to consider mindfully the honest reasons for our attraction to porn (not just: "I'm horny", "I want naked chicks"), understanding that if it was truly all bad we would have no pain and struggle in letting it go.

I decided to start writing a document, targeting three questions that came up from many of the podcasts I listened to (I probably listened to about 6 hrs of his stuff while at work). You can use the same questions and formulate your own answers. Maybe through this exercise, we can collectively recall similar attitudes, fears and emotions and help ourselves and others pinpoint the root of the struggle to leave porn. For many of us, there's a little fear of what we may miss out by kicking the habit goodbye. Anyhow, here's mine:


What was porn for me?

A release. A personal dark, but loving place where I could unleash my intrigue as I discovered more about other people, about their emotions, about my emotions. I could watch people in their strength, their weakness, their nakedness, their shame. It was pleasurable to be excited time and time again from the cues I found, some of which were very extreme and dark. It allowed me to give myself the pleasures and love I wanted physically, emotionally and spiritually from someone else. I was able to tune in, be in control of the extent, the length, the perfect timing, the mood, the temperature. A perfect pod of experience where I found my own release. I was accepted, I was perfect, wanted, affirmed.

Why is it hard to let it go?

The ability to experience more and more, although misleading, is the very thing that makes porn interesting and ever changing. New faces, new ages, new reveals, new skills, new features. They all contribute to the ever-changing aspect of the condition that doesn’t want to be missed. It’s that same place that gives the appearance of love and appreciation when there is none around. Whatever the circumstances are in life, there’s always an acceptance, a non-judgmental face of porn that cares only about making me feel fine. I am its king and master.

Why do I want it out?

I can’t keep deluding myself. This is a huge source of good emotions, but they’re not really alive. The screens are not really trying to give me anything, the faces in the screens do not know about my existence, they do not care about who I am. They do not demand anything and offer no chance for me to give anything back, except my loyalty to their product. I rather place my loyalty in places where it means something. In my spiritual walk, in relationships, in my relationship with her, in ambitions, plans, creative work.

There’s a lot I understand about the emotional comfort I thought I had in porn, but the more I observe it, the more I ask the questions of how I got to where I got, the more I understand that I placed myself in the middle of it all, trying to convince myself of a reality that does not fit with sanity. I could not be the center of the world, I could not be always the object of praise, of passion, of lust. I need to face the reality that those belong in their own specific circles, in moderation, some of which I am and want to be a part of. My circle with God. My circle with people I care about. My circle with her. My circle with my person and story.

I am lovable, but not because my brain tells me so while selling me a sensual smile through a screen. I am lovable because I am made in the image of God, and I am lovable because I have a personality. I am lovable because I am also able to love, and I need more than abstract stuff to love. I can’t love a screen. I can’t love a genre. I can’t love a performer’s name. I can’t love a production company, a director, agent, couch or hotel room. I need to love people in the real world.

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Hope you guys join me on this one, we can help each other find more things we didn't notice by writing our side of the story.

Achilles