My strange addiction/sexual perversion

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by steppingintothesun, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. **The following description of my experiences may trigger struggling NoFappers

    It was a couple of years back that I thought I’d try masturbation after having watched a ‘Love Yourself’ parody with no real understanding of what would take place. I did it while I was casually reading a (non-sexual) webcomic of a boy turning into a giant anthro dog. With my first orgasmic experience ever happening with those images in front of me, I couldn’t separate what got me off then from what naturally could’ve done it for me (I was definitely heterosexual). As the month went on enjoying the beforehand discovered furry fandom, the comic and thought up fantasies of anthros having sex/me transformed and participating would fuel these distorted highs that would overtake my daily life. They were unfortunately enhanced with the community’s extremely welcoming nature at the time of feeling particularly socially isolated. It would only get worse when my parents temporarily prohibited technology usage due to their knowledge of me chatting with strangers and identifying as a furry. For about half a year, my coping mechanism was essentially thinking up some of the most graphic fantasies just to have an orgasm. This pattern has resurfaced after my year-long abstination and am currently back on the right track. I have not been able to go a single day without thinking about that confusing chapter of my life. My sexual urges are all over the spectrum as a result (randomly switching from straight to gay and some attraction to anthros/animals/a majority of who I interact with) and I’ve hardly opened up about my struggles other than a couple of times to my loving parents. It doesn’t help that I’m experiencing more loneliness while binging hours of furry video content with curiosity of participating in the community again.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2019 at 1:26 AM
  2. Freddiefox

    Freddiefox Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the community. Escalation can take different paths and you're not alone. Time and being away from the influence will help. Please read, learn and start making your plan.
     
  3. Thanks so much, Freddie! I’ll definitely start approaching my sexuality with these strategies.
     
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  4. Freddiefox

    Freddiefox Fapstronaut

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  5. Judas Johnson

    Judas Johnson Fapstronaut

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    Welcome :) this community will help you.
     
  6. PlanetJuniper

    PlanetJuniper Fapstronaut

    Hey, you're not alone! It's rough jugging your desires and your identity. You've read my journal and my indiscretions and my struggle to get the balance right. I look forward to reading about your journey!
     
  7. Thanks a lot!!
     
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  8. Praise be to God for generously reducing the aftershocks of my addiction and being with me through all the darkness. I find myself more in control of my pervert sexual desires and in tune with His love. Typing out how I got from point A to point B here on NoFap actually helped relieve anxiety over what happened.
    With that said, I’ve engaged with those in the fandom over Discord (with strict SFW intentions) behind my parents’ backs for the past two weeks. It’s been frustrating to me how peace with myself has been totally unattainable in or out of engagement. I’m really struggling with guilt of disobeying/undealt with baggage that was left behind/borderline worshipping the social retreat offered/deep shame. I’m at a loss rn.
     
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  9. My heart is dethawing, burning, detoxing as I act on my conviction to leave the fandom. I spoke with God about my stubborn position on making the jump and perceived a benevolent affirmation for what I was signing up for. The Spirit firmly guides me toward following God through what He has planned for me as I emotionally implode over what I had/the possibilities in the future with self-control over my obsession (this is the basics of what I’m perceiving). There’s still the whole confession to my dad to undergo and possibly the rest of my life of reburying my bondage. I was lucky to have found furries in the faith as well whom have supported all that I had to share only to be left behind in a cloud of bagged-littered exhaust. I’m about nine days without masturbation and have hardly touched myself, fantasies are pretty minimal with a few taboo ones involving acts like furry sex/incest popping up here and there. Goodness, I’m a mess.
     
  10. I’m just over two weeks clean of doing the deed. Phew. Overall, I’m probably in my happiest state, namely with God being my source of satisfaction/purpose. A good mix of relational depression/redemption anthems help with coping with the huge lack of instant gratification in my life (two prime examples: ). Staying away from the source of my temptations has been undoubtedly helpful in my fight for purity.
    I’ve struggling but trying to uphold a habit of immediately taking my eyes off people’s areas in real life/in pictures. Sex stories on Q&A sites and unavoidable stimuli in furry media definitely plant seeds as well, abstaining from these in light of Scriptural consumption surely helps. My relentless desire to engage with the fandom will probably never go away. That’s just one of the harsh realities of my life that can’t be revisited for my own good. I hate saying that, ugh.
    To those struggling with your deviant desires: please don’t let your past define you. It doesn’t have to! Take your eyes off of what hold you back from your pursuit of happiness. He is the only One. God bless!
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
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  11. Bigftninja

    Bigftninja Fapstronaut

    I know you are doing great already, but I just wanna offer further encouragement. Nice job for going so long I hope I can follow in your footsteps as I am currently trying to read my bible more often in tandem with my journey in NoFap since I didn't really let God guide me much in my first streak. It makes me happy and encouraged to know that it is so successful for you and makes me feel like I can be like you. Thank you so much and I wish you luck and I will have you in my prayers for continued success.
     
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  12. Hello, thank you for your kind words!! It’s so neat to hear from someone who’s on the journey toward cleanliness and fighting those desires with Truth. I’m humbled to hear how my testimony has helped you and your initiative in praying for me, I’ll be keeping you in prayer! Let’ s do this, brother!!!
     
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  13. I messed up. I acted on the overemphasis on emission’s necessity that the internet has to offer. I compromised all that had been built up over these triumphant weeks for the sake of temporal satisfaction. I feel so much guilt and find it hard to accept the grace that I’ve been relentlessly provided. Still. Starting from square one is better than not playing the game at all. :/
     
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  14. Bigftninja

    Bigftninja Fapstronaut

    You got this man I went through this same thing last week so I have a fresh memory of how you might feel. It's tough but I'm rooting for you and I'll be praying for you.
     
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  15. That means a lot, thank you!!!
     
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  16. PlanetJuniper

    PlanetJuniper Fapstronaut

    Feeling for ya, friend. You don't need to make your own emissions. Your body will do that for you. And if it doesn't and it hurts, see a doctor.

    We miss you on the server. I miss you. But I'm glad you're following what God has for you and is leading you into! If you want to talk to me, hit me up. You know how. Or just PM me here. No need to talk furry.
     

  17. Hey! Thanks for the advice, natural emissions haven’t happened at all to my knowledge. I’ve been wondering about the cause for a while and should definitely get some help. I sincerely miss being a part of the server and interacting with y’all, I’m sorry to have left on such short notice. Whatever ends up happening, I hope to be able to reconcile my faith with the fandom similar to how you have. Thanks for remaining open to conversation, I appreciate that.
     
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  18. In general, I feel like I’ve been growing a lot in harnessing the power of mental patterns and keeping from white lying into disaster. The urge to release is slightly stronger now since I gave in the other day, but I haven’t entertained the idea of doing it again much, if at all. This quote from today’s devotional has helped clear up a lot of fear of facing the need for true purpose, ‘God promises that if we serve, we will find our lives.” Looking for validation in all the wrong places is not how I want my life to continue.
    With all the emotional/mental investments I’ve made in self-centered bliss, the idea of going to a counselor to sort stuff out is becoming easier to possibly welcome soon into reality. Also, my dad has been super supportive since I opened up more about my situation and wants only the best. My social life is still pretty much non-existent as it has been for a while. God has remained faithful in my constant state of solidarity and surely won’t stop now.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2019
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  19. Bigftninja

    Bigftninja Fapstronaut

    I always look forward to hear how you just keep getting better every post even on low points and resets. It is awsome to see how it looks when someone sees the bigger picture and how it really changes a person. I will continue to pray for your success and thanks for stepping into the sun bro(pun intended.)
     
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