Hello everyone. I'm 27, from Italy. I've been PMOing since I was around 14, and everything felt pretty normal at first. I define myself as a heterosexual male, I've always liked girls, and I've had my fair share of girlfriends. Also, that I think is relevant to my story, my parents split up when I was 3, and I've lived with my mother and my grandma up to when I was around my 20s. My father has always been absent, I would see him once or twice a year, and the times I saw him he would always treat me as a little child who knew nothing and wasn't really worth his respect. So, around the age 20, I had a girlfriend who lived in a small city near me. I used to go see her by train. One evening, after I had been with her, i was on the train that was taking me back to my city. The train was pretty empty, and out of nowhere a relatively old man (around 60ish) sat near me. He started asking me where I was heading, what I had done in the day, where I was coming from. It all seemed a bit awkward -given the fact the the train was empty and he sat near me- but after all I thought he was just a friendly person who wanted to chat a bit. Then, he started asking me about my girlfriend, whether I had sex with her that day or not, and I all started to get pretty uncomfortable. He started complimenting me, getting closer, and my response was to shut down and look out of the window without even looking at him. At one point, he put his hand on my knee and there I snapped. I told him to get his hand off, and he did. He eventually stood up and went away. It was at that point that I started to fantasize about following him and having some sort of sexual intercourse with him. From that moment, slowly but steadily I became more and more fascinated with the idea of being with a mature man. My erotic thoughts soon found support in the amount and variety of porn on the internet. I would find myself PMOing on videos of older men having rough anal intercourses with young women. I would not PMO on gay porn, as the scene of 2 men having sex would not arouse me. Instead, I became to get more and more excited at the idea of being submissive and to literally do anything to please an older man. After every session of PMO on that, the exact millisecond after my orgasm, I would look at the screen and be disgusted with the image it was showing, and close the window. Also, I've noticed that the more I felt bad about myself, the more I felt the desire to masturbate on such videos. I have to add, I don't find the men in those videos attractive. Actually, the uglier those men are the more I get turned on and feel free to fantasize about it. Now, I've had social anxiety for many years, I've been to therapy, and I've pretty much understood where my social anxiety comes from, being my absent and psychologically abusive father and the environment where I grew up. But just recently, I started noticing that my erotic thoughts are triggered by my anxiety and mild depressive state, and they re-enforce back the social anxiety, by giving me a sense of shame for the videos I PMO on, and my fantasies. I've not suffered from ED, and I've always had great sex with my girlfriends. I honestly don't consider myself as gay, or bisexual (even though the thought of it wouldn't really bother me), but still I get turned on so much by this erotic thought. I've recently stumbled across the NoFap, and I've discovered what is the concept of "father hunger", that I might have developed due to the relationship with my father. I hope that by trying the nofap challenge, I will be able to break this vicious circle, and be free to work on my social anxiety without having the shame of this strange erotic fantasy. I'm sorry if this was a really long post, but I felt the need to share it with you. Thanks for reading this far, if you did. Tl;dr: I PMO to older men videos that I don't feel attracted to, I have social anxiety, the PMO makes it even worse, I had an absent father, I guess it's all somehow related
Welcome to the forum. Our addiction seems to take advantage of every little mental weakness or dysfunction we might have and exploit it. Our addiction seems to take us to crazy places that we never expected it to go. Don't let the things you used to watch define who you are. Porn twists who we are and we feel more like a monster than a human being. We look at horrible things while in the trance because there is no pain or judgment while in that state of mind. When we come back to our senses then our morality returns and we are disgusted by what we just did. Part of the key to recovery is avoiding that trance state and dealing with unpleasant feelings in healthier ways. I hope you find the information, advice, and support you need.
Thank you for the kind reply! I feel like the first step for me is to stop masturbating on those videos anymore. I don't know yet if I will start right away not to PMO at all. I want to be able to recognize the difference between an activity that I can enjoy -without feeling bad the second I orgasm-, and something that makes me feel disgusted about myself, exactly as you said. Although, normal softer porn makes me think about my ex. I probably won't even be able to masturbate on it without thinking about her and feeling bad. So if that's the case, I will avoid that aswell! After all, I just want to feel better about myself That's exactly my goal! Thanks for sharing your point of view, I was able to relate a lot.
Is your goal to stop watching a certain kind of porn but keep watching 'normal' porn? A normal person might be able to watch porn without having harmful side effects. But many of us here are not normal... we are addicts. We are addicted to porn the same as an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol or a drug addict to drugs. The thing we are addicted to is irrelevant. All addicts use things/images/events to alter, medicate, sooth, escape, or numb negative feelings. All addicts try to get into that 'trance state' or 'autopilot mode' because there is no pain, no judgment, and no cares while in the trance. Parts of our brain shut down when we PMO which control decision making, our conscience, and morality. It is extremely difficult to choose what to watch while in the trance. Addicts are forever looking to achieve that feeling of nirvana and we are willing to sacrifice anything in the moment to feel good. But that feeling is an illusion that disappears the moment we are done. All of us here have tried to find 'compromises' with our addiction, such as a only take a peak, to watch but not masturbate, to PMO only once a week, the types of stuff we watch, or to use it only as a reward. But our addiction does not stay small. All addictions escalate. It will be very difficult for you to stay within your limits. That is why most of us have chosen to give it ALL up. We can not even look at it a little bit because it will totally consume us.
I think I'm still unsure on what my final goal is, since I've just came to realize that my behaviour was compulsive, the "trance state" you talk about. But still, I feel like I want to experiment whether I am addicted only to this fantasy, or to ALL kind of pornography. I totally understand the decision to give it ALL up. I'm a cigarette smoker, I know what it feels like to have an addiction, and the only way I could stop smoking in the past, was to completely stop cold turkey. The moment I smoked one cigarette, sooner or later I would find myself desiring for more and eventually I would slowly start again. I also understand that maybe I'm just unconsciously scared of giving up PMO at all, since it's been part of my life for a very long time. So, at the end of the day, if I find out that I'm addicted to all types of porn, and I discover myself trying to numb the negative feelings (and feeling even worse afterwards), I'll be happy to try and reboot completely. I guess this is just the first step I have to take to find out how to make myself feel better EDIT: it IS possible that I'm just trying to find a compromise! I'm just not sure about it, I guess..
UPDATE: I just PMOed on a normal video, actually a lesbian one (I'm really into that aswell!) and now, although I don't feel shame or guilt, I feel like I have wasted my time and energy on something that wasn't worth it. I just realized it I wanted to exercise before dinner, and did this instead. Even if it's not as bad as the fantasy I was talking about before, I realize that even when I watch regular porn, I do it without even thinking, and mostly out of boredom instead of real arousal. I'm gonna try a 7 days challenge and see how I feel about it, starting now!
