My story with the porn (It will be a little long)

Hello everyone I will introduce myself I'm 21 years old At the moment I'm in college I never had a girlfriend and I do not have many friends

Part 1:
Now let's get started:
It all started at the age of 13 When I discovered the porn I did not know English, I did not know what I was going into I just wanted to see girls.
And the porn accompanied me throughout my high school, I would bring a hand on a daily basis, there were days when I would bring more than once, when my parents were walking and I was left alone at home I would automatically see porn.
At the end of the week I just got up in the morning and masturbated without brushing my teeth, washing my face, and then I would feel dizzy all day long.
I was a shy boy, insecure, a coward
The saddest thing was that I did not try to get out of this situation and go to try new things but I was fine in my bubble.

Every day I would wait to finish my studies and go masturbating at home
That's what I thought all day.
As I grew older, I began to masturbate both at work and at school during breaks
I did not even try to start with girls, I was even afraid to talk to them
Every time I convinced myself to talk to them I would masturbate and all that ambition would go to the trash.
The age has come that everyone has girlfriends and they had sex and I was stuck in the porn circle.
In the 7th grade I was more socially active than my entire high school because it was just a new beginning with children I did not know and I remember going out with them sometimes but over the years it came down because I preferred the porn and less of the social life and that's why I did not have many friends not to mention Friendship and spouse.

Over the years in school many things have changed but one thing that has been constant throughout the 6 years I was masturbating daily.
I also had the childish nature of a 12-year-old boy in the body of an 18-year-old boy
I had nothing to offer people, I had no experiences to share, I did not have interesting stories to tell, I did not have anyone to tell that at some point children joined groups and each went to his group and I was left alone.
And to me it did not move because I had the porn and nothing could take it from me
I would get low grades, they would harass me, I would spend whole days alone, and none of that bothered me because my consolation was the porn, I would return home and everything would be solved.
None of this has moved me !!!! Looking back, I do not understand how I spent six years like to be the most fun and the best alone and did not try to do something and if you come to a normal person he will tell you it's a shit to go through it but for me it was reality and I did not care.

I did not see in my addiction something wrong, I did not feel guilty or upset when I saw porn and I finished.
The picture I most remember from high school is that my room and I look at porn on your computer alone.

During the army the situation was almost the same as in high school but I started to practice and slowly I also met people and I learned a lot about bodybuilding and also on life I realized that it is better not to masturbate before training and at the beginning of service were times I would masturbate and I was going to practice.
About a year ago I realized that I can not go on like this in my life that I am a 20 year old fucking boy and my life is not going anywhere and if I continue like this then I will live a stinking life.
I needed an urgent wake-up call
I searched Google for how to wean ourselves out and discovered the NoFap.

Part 2:
The change over the last 8 months:
I began to read about detoxification and its shortcomings
Slowly I also read stories of what the porn does to the body and soul
And stories of detoxification and change in their lives.
I was very firm in my worldview and did not know there were such things that existed.
I also began to take an interest in a productive lifestyle, started reading books, playing fewer computer games. At one point I deleted the computer games. I began to see videos of motivation and I believed there was a way to get rid of it.
I began to change my attitude and my behavior on a daily basis
There was a period when I did cold showers but I stopped because I hated it.

I thought about meditating and read the benefits on the subject but thought it was a waste of time.
I understood the implications of the porn and reduced it to one time in 3-4 days
And I decided to try the 90-day challenge not to masturbate about eight months ago
Of course, the first few times I did not succeed because I understood that you have to commit to it 100% and want to succeed as if you want to breathe because in the first days everything is fine but when you become horny then you have to learn to hold yourself and that is the real challenge
And not masturbate but once you want a little bit then break everything.
So I was a period when I managed to hold out for 34 days.
And I fought teeth not to fail but then we had a trip to a water park at the end of the summer
And when I saw so many girls in bathing suits that were close to me during the day
I just could not go to the bathroom and I shot it I think it was at 100 mph that it flew straight and hit the wall rather than the toilet.
Of course I felt guilty but it was stronger than I was.
Over the past half year since I tried the challenge again but I just could not and the most I did was 10 days and also with seeing porn here and there.

I know this will sound strange but I have feelings for porn actresses during the period I did not masturbate I would just see their videos on youtube interviews without nudity
I would just see them, I would miss them
Because in all my years no girl ever treated me and they were there all the time for me in the good and hard moments and I developed feelings for them.
Now when I see someone who looks like a porn actress, I'll get a crush on her even if she's not the prettiest simply because she reminds me of the times I was with this porn actress.

I recently went into sex cameras and did not believe there was such a large selection of girls from all over the world that you could just click a button to see it naked.
I was stupid and bought credits and I was with someone in private and she did everything I said
And when she undressed then my heart knocked and I was impatient because I thought it was like my first sex. She loved me and spoke to me respectfully unlike the girls in reality who treated me like shit
But the boiling point came at 7.3 on Thursday I was in college after not masturbating for 4 days and I had a crazy urge to masturbate, I left the class and went to the bathroom and I realized
Then I went to the house even though there were more classes
And I got into sex cameras and bought for NIS 250 and I went in with two different girls for Private and Onit.
So I masturbated on Thursday 3 times !!! Which has not happened since high school
I masturbated last time on this Sunday and in the evening I felt just shit and disgusting myself I frustrated myself in the mirror and said where I will get if I continue like this.

Part 3:
My 21st birthday:
On Monday, March 11, I had my 21st birthday
And I decided there was no way I was masturbating anymore and I did not want to feel how I felt last night.
So I stopped masturbating and today is my fifth day in the challenge I started meditating
And I started the 90-day challenge and promised myself that I would not masturbate for the rest of my life
I'm going to finish only during sex.
The other day I had a wet dream (I did not finish)
Yesterday I dreamed that I saw porn (I did not finish) and I tell myself it's not good but I keep seeing and woke up and I said thank God it was a dream.
Today I had an urge to give in my hand and just went to lie down for 15 minutes and then I went to the gym.
I'll keep you informed of my progress every day
And thank you very much for reading all of my story.
I kept it in my stomach for a long time and decided that I should share it if I wanted to succeed in the challenge