My story so far

38-year-old straight Indian male here. Though I have been fairly successful in my career, I have absolutely no social life. Apart from a short marriage that ended in a messy divorce last year, I have never had a real relationship with a women.

I got addicted to masturbation since early childhood, even before I could ejaculate. I would lie on the bed belly-down and rub against it. It was only three years back that I moved to the usual method of masturbation using the hand. It felt strange and unstimulating at first, but I quickly got used to it. I started masturbating with pictures and fantasies, moving to late night "adult" movies in my teens, and only watched my first pornographic movie when I was 19 (back then, they were available on CDs). After discovering the Internet, I moved on to downloading movies and reading pornographic stories. But things really got out of hand when I discovered the "tube" sites. I began masturbating to porn multiple times a day.

After my wedding, I suddenly and completely stopped masturbation and viewing pornography. However, I found sex unstimulating and could not even achieve an erection a few times. The domineering and abusive nature of my ex-wife did not help things either. She moved out and I began masturbating to pornography again. Quite disturbingly, I also began masturbating to pictures of regular women, including colleagues and relatives, and found myself particularly attracted to incest porn. This only intensified the subconscious guilt I have experienced my whole life. I could talk to people normally, but could never "let them in", which prevented me from forming meaningful relationships all my life. It was as if a part of me feared that women, in particular, would peer into my soul through my eyes and see me for the disgusting, perverted human being I was. Other addictions such as compulsive online shopping followed.

Then, my ex-wife sued me and my family, wrongfully alleging dowry harassment and domestic violence. The ensuing legal battle took away all my savings and broke me to the point of depression. My porn use intensified and I would browse facebook with an anonymous account like a junkie, looking for pictures of attractive women I knew. I felt completely dead inside and my life felt meaningless. I never admitted my addiction to myself. It remained buried in a corner of my mind. But the guilt was always there, subconsciously.

Last year, I finally got a divorce. Around the same time, changes at my company left me with an unstimulating job. I developed a crush on a coworker, but could never proceed beyond greetings. I felt unworthy of her and felt like I had failed completely in life. The world felt distant and life completely devoid of purpose.

On the 5th of July (last month), I walked up to her and said "Hi". She kept looking at her phone and the expression on her face was a mixture of anger and disgust. I do not know what happened at that moment, but something inside me changed. I walked out of that cafeteria and into the washroom, but her expression was imprinted on my mind, as if it was a judgement on my entire life. At that moment, I decided that I needed to change my life. I came home and began searching online about porn and masturbation, finding this and similar sites. I had been aware of them for quite some time, but never felt like I had the motivation to quit masturbation and pornography, which felt like the only source of pleasure I had in life; something that was completely in my control and which I could have in an instant.

Since 5th of July, I have not looked at porn, fantasized, or masturbated even once. Mostly, it feels like my penis is dead, though since last week, I have woken up with erections on a few occasions. The changes I have experience in this short time have been nothing short of amazing, including some of the first real, spontaneous conversations I have had in all my life. I do not feel a desire to look at porn, or to masturbate.

Here are some of the changes I have experienced so far. They may all be placebos, but to me they are all very real.

- My situation hasn't changed much. However, to my surprised, I do not feel depressed at all! Earlier, I would go into chain thoughts, negative thinking, and bouts of depression. Now, I just feel a sense of tranquillity.
- Things that used to disturb me do not seem to have an impact anymore.
- I no longer fantasize about my crush like a 13-year old. I had stopped even looking in her direction since that incident. Last week, she greeted me out of the blue. The next day, she walked with me to the metro station and I had an easy, spontaneous conversation with her. I did not feel butterflies in my stomach or a need to cling to her or prolong the conversation. She has greeted me once since then, but I have stopped paying special attention to her.
- I have registered a regular account on facebook and added a few real contacts. I no longer look for pictures of women and only browse it a couple of minutes a day.
- I do not look at women as sexual objects. I feel no sexual attraction to them at present. On a few occasions, I have searched for nude photos online, but felt no urge to masturbate to them. I intend to stop doing it completely now.
- For the first time in my life, I do not feel like I have something to hide. The guilt has disappeared.
- I find myself walking up to people and starting conversations spontaneously. It feels amazing!
- I was not fat earlier, but have lost some belly fat without exercising. My weight has gone down 4 kg over the last month! I intend to start exercising actively from tomorrow.
- For some weird reason, it felt a lot easier to lift the grocery bags today.
- My face looks more radiant and my skin seems to have a certain "glow" that was lacking earlier.
- My hair appear a bit denser. (My hairline is receding at the temples.)
- The urge to shop online compulsively has reduced considerably.
- I am finding it easier to confront people when I need to (e.g., when they lie to my face). I do not get worked up or emotional, but am able to put across my point firmly and stick to it. Earlier, I would avoid confrontation and allow myself to be treated like a doormat.