My story... it's long sorry.

I've just been a lurker for the past month or so. But it'll be 4 weeks on Thursday that I've avoided PMO with an exception. Not worried about MO because I can't without the P. It's pretty impossible.

Back story, I've been struggling for the last 24 years and I'm 34. I was sexually abused by a woman. So I got exposed to sex and porn at a young age. I felt it was normal but PMO became my drug to cope with the suicide and manic/depression at 10 years old. I never really acted out from the abuse beyond PMO and bathroom PMO. In fact, besides the abuser, my wife is the only women I've been with. After all is said and done I'm Bipolar with a PMO addiction and those seem to go together like peas and carrots. BTW, my wife was touched by a man at a really young age as well so she understands

Well when we got married my wife told me no porn without her or she would leave. She knew my past at what I had been through. She knew I had looked at porn but didn't know the magnitude. So we got married in 2003 and I hid it well up throughout the years. But after we got married we'd watch HBO girl friendly porn and the occasional hardcore that I enjoyed though I never got the high I needed. She didn't realize in between time I was looking at porn myself. Well one day in my mixed-state episode I came out with it. She actually wasn't mad. She was upset, yes, but she was more concerned that I'd kill myself due to me acting crazy with other things.

With the prevalence of Bit Torrent I would cater to my OCD side and spend hours collecting porn. Sometimes I would binge watch porn any time I could. My ISP would flag my account for usage, sometimes equaling up to 2TB a month. This is when I was bad... collecting was a sign I was in mental distress. After I'd flip out I'd come clean to my wife and doctor. This happened about 3 times a year. My wife wouldn't be happy and I could see the hurt on her face but I promised her I'd get better. Of course, I never did. Promises promises.

For the last 14 years, I've PMO'd at work, church bathroom, in bed while she's sleep, or just in the bathroom when she's sleep. For the last 14 years I've tried to quit and failed miserably. Sometimes I'd PMO after we had sex to get the high I needed. Sex with my wife is intamacy, love, and close time in my eyes. I never got the high like I didn't PMO and still don't. She understands my addiction to PMO is in another world and has nothing to do with us. The chemicals released from PMO is like heroine for me. I can't describe the draw and I can't describe the high.

After a collecting binge during this paste June, I said I'm done, and I'm tired. I'm tired of the grind of it. I'm tired of the cycle. It's been too long. Luckily I've found this site and read the stories. I'll be 4 weeks clean soon. I'm still having sex with my wife. That's not going to change but I don't cater to my addiction. She knows of my progress. I mark it on the calendar openly with her. I discuss my issues daily with her and a friend that I told. I've installed cameras so she can keep tabs on my while I'm home alone. There are days when my heart rate is over 100BPM because of the withdrawals and anxiety. I take a prescribed immediate release pillow and let my heart rate and anxiety die down and I'm fine. I tell her and my friend immediately as well.

Either way, I'm glad my wife has stuck with me. Not only has she dealt with me being Bipolar and it having its own set of problems, she's handled the PMO as well. There are plenty of men out there that could do a way better job than I ever have but she's clung to me. I'm truly grateful I've had her support even though I've failed immensely over the last 14 years. Lately I've been apologizing and showing her I'm sorry by actions.

I feel like I'm on the right road this time. I feel this way because I can actually be alone and not be tempted with PMO. When I run to the bathroom at work, it's because there is business to be had. Not for PMO. I've worked from home about 6 days this month without PMO actually. Which is a good sign. I see my doctor soon to discuss progress and next steps. I have a long way to go... but I want the change.

Sorry that's it's so long but I just wanted to share my story.

 

I've always felt alone with porn collecting. I knew a friend that did it. But I honestly felt like I collected above and beyond any normal person would. The people that were torrenting I just assumed were normal people the collected porn. Never thought they were porn addicts too.

I would delete my collection sometimes upwards to 4TB because I was going to quit for sure. Only to hit a downward spiral and be in tears, because what have I done? Am I stupid? I spent hours and months collecting this. Why did I delete it? It would start out subtle.

I would only collect the porn that I was really interested in. Maybe just from one site I loved. Then it would escalate to by model and sub genres and such. I would spend hours organizing and editing and chopping. A lot like what you said. I would try to find the art and beauty of scenes. Which was just rotting out my mind. Then at the end of my rope I'd typically binge hard with PMO sometimes 8 times a day for two weeks until I hurt myself and was mentally and physically exhausted and couldn't take it anymore. I guess basically overdosing on my own chemicals. So I'd delete and think I would quit. But it never worked out that way. Until this time... I just got tired of the grind of it.

Anyway, I never thought the semi-private porn sites I was torrenting from were driven by porn addicts like me. I feel like now I was using drugs and sharing the needles in a round about way. So really it's just not worth it anymore. Being clean almost a month has been tough but my eyes are opening. I'm trying my best to really honestly hate porn. I said I could never hate porn. I just have to avoid it. After reading the accounts on this site. There's only one place for it and it's the hate box IMHO.