My Sexual Health Journey (Reboot Journal)

I decided instead of constantly adding to my self-intro thread, to start a new one here and turn it into a journal. Prior posts copied over below.

Day 1: Self-Introduction Thread
Hello world,

I'm 35, married to the love of my life with a wonderful family. And I am miserable. I have been using porn since I was 8 years old, when I was introduced to it by my sexual abuser. The abuse ended when I was about 14, but porn has been part of my life ever since. Porn use has outlasted countless girlfriends, plagued my marriage, and despite my best "efforts" I've never been able to be free from it for a sustained period of time. I've been able to "cut-back", go cold turkey for weeks at a time, but I've always relapsed. I have been coping the last few years by telling myself I would manage it as a harmless habit. But is a habit that I keep secret from my wife really harmless? Is it even just a habit if I can't stop this thing that I take no joy in? I bought "Your Brain on Porn" a couple of years ago in anticipation of having the "sex talk" with my oldest son, but it has sat dormant in my Audible library as I've been too afraid to hear it for myself. Last week, I decided to begin abstinence and start the book. It has been 7 days today since I have watched porn, and I am on Chapter 5. I am now fully convinced that I have an addiction, and have been dishonest with myself in not calling it that before.

I have already experienced some of the triggers that would normally lead me to using porn again - even shopping for a new sport coat can be treacherous with women's swim suit ads on Google. An hour alone in my house and I feel anxious, unable to even take a nap without "making use" of this found time by myself. The YBoP book has helped me by reminding me to watch for these triggers and realize the danger they pose to my abstinence - I come from a family of alcoholics (supported my brother during his recovery/sobriety) and reframing my problem along the lines of addiction has made me realize how crucial it is for me to not let my guard down in these situations. It has also helped me realize I can't do this alone, and so here I am. I dont even know what I'm going to do next, but I don't want to do it alone. Thanks for having me here.

Day 8:
Day 8 in the books and it was harder than Day 7. I know it's only the first leg of an endless journey, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared of the day I wake up and dont feel the conviction I feel today.

Day 9:
Day 9 has been hard because I've been feeling good today. It's frustrating that even feeling good can be dangerous. One of my problems is loving myself in a way that is healthy. I tend to come down too hard on myself when I feel that I have failed, but when I want to reward myself I look for unhealthy behaviors and tell myself I've earned it or it's okay because right now things are okay and so this must be okay.

I am not falling into that trap today. I found my alone time, my most vulnerable time, and I focused that energy on work and coming to this forum instead of acting out. Not today, Death!

 

Day 9 (update) I cancelled an account I would use to watch P, removed my CC and changed the password. I did this without allowing my eyes to stray even for a moment to the content of the website. This has been a hard step for me in the past because even going there with good intentions could lead to using. I am glad it is done.

 

Day 10

I had two one on one long meetings with females at work today. I was already craving a P session and it felt like carrying a load of bricks to spend 3 hours talking with them (about work projects) without letting my mind stray into fantasy. In the past, those fantasies would lead to use because I would otherwise find it impossible to stop thinking about them. I would tell myself I just needed to PM and get it over with. But today I just used every last ounce of focus I had to be productive during our meetings, and when I came home I spent a whole minute just hugging my wife telling her it was good to see her. It obviously doesn't give the pleasure that my brain was craving, but I didn't feel shame or guilt. I'm trying to be very mindful of the differences in these feelings - yes, I am missing that "reward" but I am not at all missing that shame or guilt. Trying to teach myself why that is a worthy tradeoff, and why that gratification just isn't worth it.

On we go to Day 11.

 

Day 12 went well, I was lucky enough to have plenty of distractions. I took a walk with my wife and kids, and my 4yo took his first pedals on a real bike. I was so happy I could be present mentally and physically to appreciate the moment. I had a family birthday party to go to in the evening, and even though I'm feeling socially awkward during this period I tried to talk and be friendly.

I did have a bad night - dreamed of a woman whose name I had forgotten, knew casually, who I never even found attractive, and haven't seen in about 7 years. In my dream I decided to PM, and I was anguishing at myself for what I did (in my dream). When I woke up I was shameful/guilty at first, until I recognized that dreams aren't my actual thoughts/desires/behaviors and where it counts I am still clean.

Day 13 I am focusing heavily on being mindful. Mindful of when I am hungry, when I crave a cheeseburger, when I am tired, when my body hurts, when I am happy and when I feel sad. Not really judging any of these emotions, just getting my brain used to being in touch with them. Pick up that craving and hold it, turn it around in my hands and examine it. Note everything I can about what it feels like. When I have thoroughly examined all of it's textures, put it back on the shelf and pick up something new.

 

Day 14 was okay. I experienced heavy cravings today, probably the strongest I have felt since I started. Definitely lots of "self-negotiation" happening in my head - basically my brain asking, "What would it take to get you to watch P again? Just name your price" and me ideating ways to acceptably self-sabotage what I have achieved so far. All I can say is that today I refused to make a deal with the devil. Forward to tomorrow.

 

Day 15 & 16

Still going. Lots of urges, but trying to stay focused. I will say, overall I'm feeling good... Just feel like I'm wrestling with the temptation a lot more recently. Lots planned to keep me busy the next couple of days, hopefully that helps.

 

Thanks Breakingfree. I'm still going strong but I feel my resolve slipping a little bit. Little voices in my head saying I'm fine... or at least, no better than I was. I don't miss the guilt/shame from using, but I still feel guilt/shame for the decades that I did. Trying to make myself see that there is a difference in doing the wrong thing and stopping myself vs doing the wrong thing and continuing to do it.

 

I'm on Day 27. I haven't been keeping up with my journal, because life is kicking my ass right now. I'm perpetually behind at work, at home, and generally have been going through a trough in my depression cycle. These things happen all the time, but when they coincide it creates a super storm of feeling terrible. In the past, this is usually the time when my addiction would become more bingey and depraved. And right now I feel more tempted than ever, like my body is craving some kind of "feel good" to numb or distract me from unhappiness and pain. I am not giving it what it wants but I still feel strong urges. I will not lie and say it makes me feel any better, but in the back of my mind I know that if I ride this out I will be okay.

In other news, I plan to make my first accountability group meeting tomorrow. I'm nervous but also looking forward to having others to share the load with.